remember so clearly being 20 years old. That was sixty years
ago and yet it seems like only yesterday. I have so many
memories of my younger days, but specifically I recall writing poems
and love lyrics about my future soul mate. I had a very
specific image of what he would look like. I can’t find that
poem now or even remember the exact words, but it was something to the
effect of his having clear blue eyes (with smile lines), perhaps he
would smoke a pipe (yes, this was the early sixties) and maybe he would
have a dog or two. I recall lying in my bathtub once,
picturing this knight in shining armor – this fantasy male – and how I
would feel, wrapped up in the safety of his arms.
I was 21 I met him. He was tall, fair and had the bluest of blue
eyes. We met while I was on a mini vacation in
Portsmouth. I had gone there with a girlfriend for a fun week
away, and spotted him across the bar while having a drink. He
wore a naval officer’s uniform, and his eyes were so blue that I almost
fainted dead away. Geoff was the man I had been looking
for...or so I thought. It was an instant connection and we
spent the entire week together. I let my girlfriend drive
home alone, and went with him to his parents’ home in Reading for a few
days. They were in Singapore so we had the place to
ourselves. He proposed marriage to me and I happily said
we are young and foolish we do crazy things. This 20 year old
lad had no idea what he was getting himself into. He drove
“up North” to see me, and things were different. After the
exhilaration of our first few days together, he started to get on my
nerves and I could not wait for him to leave. He kindly left
his car with me and I promised to drive back to Portsmouth in a week or
two to return it, which I did. He saw me off at the train
station and I ended our engagement. He sat in the carriage
with me for a while, crying as if his heart would break. I
was heartless and cruel. I knew instinctively he was not the
man for me, and told him I was in love with someone
else. That was not really true – I was in lust with
someone else – but that is another story.
went on and I never did meet the man of my dreams. There were
others I thought I loved – others I became passionate about – but none
of them were exactly what I had envisioned for myself. I even
got married to a wonderful man – but he was not Mr. Right. He
was Mr. Right Now – and although our union lasted over thirty years, it
was not filled with passion – just a calm love which ended when he
found his Mrs. Right.
sixty-five I decided that my youthful fancies were just dreams that
probably would never come true. At sixty-six I met someone
on-line. He was too young for me and I wondered if I could
fix him up with my daughter. But he persisted in his attentions and
after a year of emails, chats and phone calls, I allowed him to visit
me. When he walked into my house, my heart almost
stopped. He sort of, kind of looked like my knight – so in my
late-aged flight of fancy – I decided he was the “one”. At
first he fit the bill beautifully, He was gentle, kind and so
aware of what I needed in a partner that I overlooked the fact that he
was unemployed, had secrets and caused me so much frustration through
his lack of communication that I was constantly on edge. It
was an odd and unusual romantic relationship which lasted for eight
years until my daughter decided she wanted to have children.
42 my daughter had been in four serious relationships, including a
marriage which had ended amicably because her husband did not want
children. In fact, none of her future partners wanted
children either, except her last one. Her final partner was a
very complicated man with so many issues that it was hard to imagine
him settling down and becoming a loving husband and father.
And yet, that is what he declared he wanted and my daughter went along
with it for a while. They decided to live together and both
went through the grueling procedures of IVF together. After
discovering that her eggs were not viable, they decided to go the route
of getting an egg donor. I helped her financially and it took
several rounds before the procedure was done with the help of a
beautiful young woman whom we found at the egg donor registry.
was just about time to have the eggs fertilized when my daughter came
to her senses. Her partner was not the right person to be the
father of her future child, or children, and she broke up with
him. It was not an easy decision as she had three embryos
waiting to be fertilized. Time was of the essence.
What could she do?
that was the moment she decided to ask my lover if he would be the
sperm donor. And that was when my relationship with him
changed forever. He said yes. He wanted to help her
and I had loved him enough for so many years that I wanted my
grandchildren to have some of him in them. It was not an easy
experience for any of us, and his sperm was weak. It took the
fertility clinic doctor all night to extract viable sperm – but he
managed it, to our utter delight and amazement.
months later our boy/girl twins were born, albeit very early at 23
weeks. It is not important to detail my lover’s relationship
with his children now, or his relationship with me. Needless
to say, it is not one that has flourished, although he does see them on
occasion and we remain friends. At eighty, I have come to my
senses at last, realizing that the search for my dream lover was just
that – a dream. The man of my dreams was a fantasy and he was
not about to appear in the way I thought he would – at least not in
morning my grandson, aged six years and six months, trotted into my
bedroom. He very gently put his arms around me as I lay in
bed. He placed his head upon my breast and looked up at
me. “I love you Grandma,” he said quietly. I looked
down at him, admiring his bright blue eyes that had such endearing
smile lines. And it was then that I knew – the man of my
dreams had come true, just not in
the way I expected.
I WAS YOUNG
I was young, I dreamed of love
As only children do.
knights and steeds and maidens fair
stories that come true.
want a man with strength and grace
eyes of twinkling blue
to love me, come what may
make my dreams come true.
the years I played the part
mother, friend and wife
time until I found
one who’d change my life.
years passed by, and no-one came
fill my yearning heart
the evening of my years
then our love did start.
strangers in the night
only met on-line
you became so fast, my love
one true Valentine.
took me by surprise, indeed
youth and tender care
not what I expected, no
never dreamed to dare.
eyes are blue, your body strong
touch is tender too.
finally found my precious love
you, it’s you, it’s you.