I hardly know where ta begin talkin' 'bout my friend, Snuffy. See, he's dead now and, like, as paradoxical as it may sound, I'm kinda glad he is, an I'd venture ta say, speaking fer him as I usually done, so's he.
This is very hard. Come to think of it, that's what he always used a say and is the main part a dis story. I figured I'd tell it to ya 'cause he was my buddy, see? In fact, we wuz such close buddies, I could read his thoughts, yeah, no kiddin'.
I wuz a stable hand at Belmont Race Track a long time ago…dat's in da Big Apple, ya know, New York City, in case you ain't erudite ta know dat, ya know…no offense, Okay? Well, anyways, I used ta take care o da Snuff very well, know what I mean?
We wuz real pals like I said. See, he wuz a horse, a race horse a sorts 'n I used ta take a lot a crap, not so much from him, see? We wuz good buddies. No, what I mean is, I used ta clean out his stable, an after a while we could read each other's minds, see? Guess we wuz on da same wavelength or somethin, ya know?
Well, anyways, he wasn't exactly a race horse, at least a good one, like, what we call a world beater. Nah, but let me tell ya, he had a heart as big as Yankee Stadium, yeah, no kiddin'. I mean he tried real hard and all that, but the Snuff juss didn't have it. He juss wasn't big enough or fast enough ta handle da Big Time, ya know? It's like dat song Ole Blue Eyes , ya know Sinatra, would sing about New York, 'If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere…' Well, da Snuff couldn't make it anywhere. Well, anyways, he earned his keep juss the same for the big time owners. He had da best oats, rye an all dat stuff, even with chopped apples in dem like da top horse o da stable, Secretariat, remember him? Well anyways, da Snuff earned his freakin' keep, let me tell ya, even though he never won a race.
See Snuffy wuz born on Jan. 1, 1955 like all dem thorobreds, ya know? Cause it says so on all da birth certificates. Don't ask me why cause I don know! It's got do wid some fugged up racin reason. But anyways, he raced as a two year old and he wuz all screwed up. He come in dead last in all his five races. Yep, dat's right, dead last. See, his legs wuz churning at 44 mph, and dat's phenomenal in racing, but his body wuz only doin' 22. Sheeeet, even a decripit ole lady in a wheelchair wid a flat cudda beat him…an dat's without removin her bloomers an using dem as a sail.
Well, anyways, Snuffy knew he'da never make the Kentucky Derby, see. Jeeeze, he couldna won that little kids' Derby where they roll downhill in a wagon. Even if he wuz in a special built wagon with secret pedals fer his hoofs, he wouldna won. Not even with a push an' a head start, which ain't legal, by da way. I mean when da Snuff "raced" it was like a Sam Peckinpah movie where all dem bad guys get shot and take two minutes ta fall, ya know. An' like dem movies where da lovers run inta each udder's on a freakn' beach. Ya know, when da hero can walk again n da heroine can see again after getting' eye transplants. Well dat's how Snuffy raced, in super duper slow motion, while dem udder horses whizzed by, ya know what I mean?
But ya know what? He hadda lot o heart, really. An' he wuz a realist, like. He accepted his fate from da god o equines, Equinox, I tink.
Da next ting wuz dat da owner's used him at stud ta see if they could get a great genetic throwback like Carry Back. But dey changed dere minds when Secretariat became a world beater. Yeah, dat was da end a dat scheme. But den they decides ta use 'im in anudder way at stud. They used 'im ta see if mares wuz ready ta get married, you know what I mean, ta make a new child? I forget what ya call it, but it has ta do wid makin babies, like.
Well anyways, dey bring da Snuff ta marry a mare named, Kiss Me Kate, see? They wanted ta see if she'd honeymoon wid da Snuff, okay? Oh, now I remember, it's called being in season, I tink or sumthin like dat. Well anyways, dey have her tied in a stall for Snuffy, but he don't know what ta do! He knows he wants ta do sumthing, but what, he haddna clue. Nope, nuthin. But da dopey bastard juss couldnna figure it out. He saw he had a big erection, but he didn't know what it wuz. He thought he got a hernia from racin so fast or sumthing. Man he wuz scared a little cause he said it wuz two feet long.(So HE sez!) But you know how guys have a knack ta eggagerate a little. Well anyways, da mare gets a little scared too cause he sez her eyes widened real big as she looks back at the Snuff's "hernia".
Well anyways, he's doin nuttin' so da grooms point ta da mare an start simulatin what ta do. Jeeze, one guy even mounted da udder guy and both keep pointin ta da mare. Finally, Snuffy mounts Kiss Me Kate an gets da idea an is about ta put da hernia away where it belongs. Now da Snuff finally knows it ain't no hernia. He calls it da salami. So he's about to do his natural ting, but Kate kicks back wid both hoofs and smashes Snuffy's castagnas. I mean real good. One hoof per testicle! You could say it was, how da ya say that? A 'fait di compli' dat da Snuff's toughts was no longer amorous ta say da very least.
He said he tried ta scream, but he had no breath. He tried ta run away, but his rubbery legs wouldn't work. If he'da known an had da opportunity, heda lowered his jewels in liquid nitrogen widdout da slightest hesitation. He juss lowered down ta his knees an he sez he saw stars and sparklers fer a long time. Soon, da head honcho comes in an screams his ass off cause da two grooms are still locked in "simulation" in da hay.
Well anyways, dey takes da Snuff away in a trailer, see, cause he can't walk. Man, his gonads wuz swollen the size o cantaloupes and dey put ice on dem, but it melted right away. Man, dose castagnas were roastin wid heat.
Well anyways, a month later, when he wuz healed up, dey tries again cause he had such a large tool, dey figured he had a libido to back it up, I guess. Well, dey brings him ta da stall again, see? An he said ta me, if it was "Kiss Me Kate again, hedda said , "Kiss me ass!" Anyway, it's a different mare called Token Rose. Man she was big, like Ruffian, only much bigger. Snuffy looks at her monster hoofs and feels a twinge o dat phantom pain he heard da vet talk about.
Dis time though, da two grooms don't hafta "simulate " for Snuffy cause dey simulated last night. Now they're encouragin an rootin for Snuffy, cause if it wuzn't fer him, they'da never found love, see? Well, anyways, dis time Snuff approaches da Rose wid real meticulous care cause he never heard o no callouses or muscles bein grown around da "bells" an' he didn't want his rung again. No siree! He wasn't gonna play da part o Quasimodo again! Hey, da Snuff was slow, but he was sharp, ya know what I mean? But ya know, nature is tough but wunderful too sometimes. She teaches good lessons an' da Snuff learned a tough one, by experience an, howdya say dat word, ab…abj … abject" pain?
So he's approaching her wid da moves of a super champion boxer like Sugar Ray Robinson, see? Snuffy learned a lot from his moves on TV. He approches Token Rose wid stealth, man! But he wuz takin so long so da grooms started simulating again. Snuff is feintin', he's dodging he's making believe he's mountin', he touches her flanks an den drops back real fast anticipatin a kick. Man. He waz poetry in motion.
Meanwhile Token Rose is ready ta get married, and lowers her herself ta help da Snuff, but Snuffy doesn't buy it, no siree, Bob! She cudda been really called Tokyo Rose and she wuz jist tryin ta fool im. Hey, what can I tell ya? Rose wuz waitin' an was getting frustrated, like. She figured Snuffy was a homosexual stallion or somthin so she lowers herself even more to help make him get straight, I guess.
But da Snuff tinks ta himself, 'Uh, uh I ain't buying any o dat taday, Baby! If she'da kicked, she woulda missed his pomegranates by a furlong', he chuckled ta himself. 'But, damn, she's either ready for my lance, or she is one freakin sneaky mare. Maybe her name really is Toyko Rose!'
He tests da left side o her cause jockies do dat all da time. Den he does a fake mount at an angle again in case Rosie laid a trap for im, see? Den he tinks, "Jumpin' butterballs!( Not a good term fer da Snuff) I might jist get lucky! But I still better be careful,' he tinks. He looks over to da grooms and now dere half asleep against da wooden stall , ya know. He tinks, 'Good, I tink I'd like a little privacy on my honeymoon.' Da Snuff always had class, ya know?
By now, Rosie is whinnying real loud, see? She musta really liked da Snuff, but she wakes up da grooms a little. She crouches as low as she can go ta entice her reluctant ballerina stallion ta takes her as his wife. But his guard wuz still up along wid somethin else, right?
Finally, he decides to make his play, he mounts her and she doesn't kick back! She wants ta marry da guy! Snuffy wuz ecst...ecstat..., er, real happy, like. He wuz finally gonna "Shuffle off ta Buffalo", if ya know what I mean, eh?
Well, anyways, he grabs his fiancee wid out her batting a hoof n he tinks ta da god a equines, , ' Oh, Equinox, Equinox, tanks a lot. She wants me and now she's gonna get it! She loves Snuffy!' He hears da wedding bells chime an, as he wuz about ta consummate his vows and slip her da salami, da grooms yank da 'almost' bridegroom off'n her by da bridle. He's deported away from his bride an dey ties im ta da next stall. Dey annuled his freakin marriage! Rosie didn't seem ta care cause den dey brings in Secretariat as da new bridegroom ta marry wid her n she's ecsta….ecstat….you know, really happy again. They ties her rear hoofs ta leather boots an put a bar behind her legs so she can't change er mind and kick da 'Valentino' o da equine world, ya know? Secretariat didn't do no fancy footwork or nuttin like dat. He jist mounts for a minute or so and partakes o Snuffy's intended like dem ancient knights o da olden days, takin da village brides fer da first night.
Den, get dis,now. Dis is da God's honest truth! I seen dis wid my own eyes and couldnna believed it if ya tole me yaself, honest! Dey brings Secretariat ta his stall. It's got broadloom carpet down from wall ta wall! Do ya believe dat? Honest! An not only dat, he's got stereo music piped inta da stall ta sooth 'im. Don't blame ya if ya don't believe dat, I wouldn't myself if I didn't see it wid my own eyeballs! Now dat's what I calls treatin a world beater in a ritzy way, wouldn't ya say?
All my life livin' in Brooklyn, never had a broadloom carpet in da house, nah, never. My ole lady never wanted one cause den, ya havta buy a vacuum cleaner and den bags and den extra fer electricity, ya know?
When I first started talkin wid Snuffy, he tole da whole story of his life see an I tought it was kinda sad. Jeeze, da we talked about life, liberty an da pursuit a happiness. Many a summer night, he'd keep me awake slammin' his schlang against the stall wall. What a shame! He didn't smoke either or I'da given im a cigarette after da only sex he'd ever have.
Once I snuk a "hot" mare inta his stall at night. Man! She seemed so hot she wuz makin eyes at da barn rooster, ya know? So I sneaks her in an tied er ta da stall an left dem alone fer da night. But da next mornin, I finds Snuffy unconscious in da hay! She kicked da crap outta him. He had hoof marks all over his body, especially in da chest, but dis time he had only one "cantaloupe". Poor guy. I guess his Sugar Ray tactics didn't work in da dark. He musta taken a chance ta try, albeit a very small chance ta gets married. He had about as much chance as Hitler winning da Noble Peace Prize an acceptin it in Moscow in '44. Also, he didn't know dis cause I didn't have da heart ta tell im, but da next night da rooster got lucky wid da mare.
Well, I tried for da poor bastard, cause, see we wuz pals. He sorta reminded me o my Uncle Stephan. A great guy, but uuuuuuugly! He had a major case o B.O. Man, he could stop a charging water buffalo if the wind wuz right. He couldna made out in a French whorehouse wid da ladies condemned ta death, even wid Certificates o Pardon an hundred dollar bills stickin outta his fly. Snuffy reminded me o him a little. Yeah, he did.
Remember a da beginning o dis tale of no tail, I said I wuz glad ta see my pal passed on? Well, now ya knows why. By da way, he died suddenly of a schlang anyeurism da doc said. It had thousands o splinters in it from da stall wall when it broke. Poor Snuffy.
Da last ting he tole me wuz, his luck wuz gonna change though. I sez, "Great, Snuff! How?" He tells me he won a part in a big movie where he goes ta bed wid da owner! Yeah? Dat's terrific, pal. What's da name of it?" I asks. "Da Godfather, " he responds, smiling a big toothy grin. Lucky, he kicked da bucket before dey shot da bedroom scene.
'It's so hard!' he used ta say. Come ta tink o it, he use ta say dat alla time.
Poor guy, my friend, da Snuff.
(Messages are forwarded by The
Preservation Foundation.
So, when you write to an author,
please type his/her name
in the subject line of
the message.)