Lord Charlie Robert Morley   © Copyright 2026 Robert Morley

Graphic by the author.

Sarah left her Catholic parents behind and a couple of times since she moved to England she has come back for short stays with her elderly mother and father and Ray and Mike have come along for the ride.

Now Mike has autism and he doesn’t say much in fact he was considered almost ‘non verbal’ for the first 3 years of his life, he first met his Catholic grandparents aged 2, and he could only say ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’ and ‘No.’ When he met up in the USA with grandpa Charlie and Grandma Sally the second time he was 5 and he could say a few more words, but no full sentences and many words came out mumbled. Yet for the recent third trip and possibly the last trip, he could say many words and sentences, but his favourite words which he got off watching late night TV, were swear words and boy did he know how to use them in context and in full sentences, so meeting up with clean mouthed Catholic Charlie posed a real problem in the latest trip.

Ray is not religious, he believes in creation, in the sense that man created God, but he keeps quiet about that around Charlie and Sally, as for Sarah, well she was bought up in a Catholic household, but she is respectful to what her parents believe in yet doesn’t really buy into the ‘after life insurance’ plan that the church runs with donations, but she is never vocal about saying the whole God thing is cobblers and she would rather just keep quiet about the whole subject.

On the first couple of trips Ray witnessed Charlie pray holding rosary beads at dawn, saw him bless food and say a pray before meals both in his house and embarrassingly to Ray, out in packed restaurants too, but he was respectful.

He found that stuff odd but felt to each his own and don’t comment on it, as it did him no harm to witness this behaviour, but where he drew the line was with Charlies’ insistence that Mike be Baptised and join a church for a lifelong education as he put it.

The first couple of trips Charlie just said that Mike needs to get baptised as he is his only Grandson and in his words; “You live in another continent and Sarah has been baptised and I want Michael to be baptised too so even if we cannot be together in the physical World, at least we will all be together in Heaven after life.” Ray bit his tongue with his thoughts on this demand and view point from Charlie when it was just broached that he had to promise that as soon as he got back to England he would arrange a baptism, which he said both times that he would get it done and then when he didn’t and came back each time he would just make an excuse of not having gotten around to it, but on the last visit Charlie was not happy when his daughter revealed that not only had the trio not gone to Church since being away, but they had also not gotten Mike baptised 6 years after first being asked to do so, Ray wish Sarah had just lied about both things and got the 75 year old off his back, but she’s a very honest woman, especially when it comes to talking to her daddy.

The third trip saw Charlie take matters into his own hands, he has a Pastor at his Church and even though the trio’s vacation is only a 2 week one, he lays down the law and although Ray has been very passive up until now due to being staying under Charlies’ roof during the Holiday/vacation and he’s been eating Sally and his meals and needed to be respectful, he doesn’t like Charlie deciding what his son has done to him, I mean that’s the dads’ decision and the dad doesn’t believe in God, he feels it’s a scam and all Religions are money taking cults, selling guilt and fear and making Profits for their false Prophets.

Charlie is calling an ‘Emergency Baptism’ and Ray is trying to tell Sarah to talk him out of setting it up and wants to pick a Church in England and a Pastor and fake a god parent and sell a lie to Charlie via International phone call about having got it done all from the comfort and safety thousands of miles away from the controlling Charlie, back at home.

She won’t do it though, she fears her fathers wrath and so they just keep quiet and hope the Pastor won’t agree to do the baptism without going through the standard process of first visiting the child and parents at their home to go through the service and go over the sacrament.

Charlie tells Ray that a Baptism and regular Church visits will get Mike an ‘Education’ as he puts it, Ray tells Sarah Privately that a ‘Brainwashing’ would be a more appropriate way to describe what the Church has to offer a young impressionable mind.

Ray looked it up online, he read that emergency baptisms are usually reserved for those about to get the lethal injection or whom are in Hospices a mere day from death, looking for comfort in the false hope of a trip to Heaven and a chance for forgiveness from a life of sin before they kick the bucket, but Charlie thinks his buddy the local Pastor will make an exception for his vacationing Grandson and it looks like he’ll pull it off.

They have one other ‘failsafe’ as Ray views it; his autistic son Mike, doesn’t like to get wet unless he is having a shower and he doesn’t like strangers touching him and when they do he will swear at them. So Ray let’s the process get to a point where the Baptism is arranged for the morning of their flight back to England purely because he expects Mike to swear in the House of God and then they get to call it off.

Mike had shown signs of unacceptable behaviour for a Church by swearing during family dinners in front of Charlie, but it never appeared to occur to him that the kid may curse in Church, he just got his Pastor to dodge the pre-set-up for the baptism as the Pastor has been in Charlies’ home to speak with him many times before at least, so they went straight into doing the service with blessed water supposed to be dripped in a cross motion onto Mikes head.

Ray kept in his frustrations about playing along with these cult rituals because he figured, if it goes bad, who cares, it’s the final day of the vacation, just grab a cab to the airport and never come back to see Charlie if his plans get scuppered.

The trio get to the Church with Charlie, Sally and Uncle Ray in attendance, Mike has no idea why they are there and he doesn’t realize that this is a service with him supposed to be the focal point. Mike saw a McDonalds on the drive down and he shouts to just ditch this creepy place and go grab a Happy meal.

Ray doesn’t say anything so as to keep the peace for the beginning of the service but then he is told to participate by the Pastor, he’s told to “Renounce the Devil” he just mumbles, he’s not into it. They move past him and Sarah at least plays ball, Charlie frowns at Ray, but it gets worse.

First Mike says; “Eff this, I want to go eat. This place sucks and so does this guys odd bow tie.” Then Charlie tells the Pastor; “Please forgive him father, he’s disabled, autism.”

Ray tried not to laugh and the Pastor continued his spiel, then he went to put the water, the ‘alleged Holy water’ onto Mikes’ head and then Mike dodged it and swore at the Pastor and the Pastor lost it; “Autistic or not, you must not blaspheme in the house of God.” The Pastor then attempted to try again as Charlie gestured for him to do so, he then tried to put the wet hand over the boys head and then Mike said; “No! You weird Gimp, you don’t put a yucky finger on me.”

With that and a dodge from Mike from the Pastors dripping fingers, Ray said; “Right, I guess Mike’s not buying it, this thing is over, come on Sarah off we go then. It was a nice gesture Charlie, don’t worry we’ll make our own way back to the airport.”

Then Ray rushed his partner and kid out and he called for a cab leaving Charlie in shock but stuck trying to console the enraged Pastor all the while lamenting not getting his way on the baptism of his Grandson.

Ray didn’t mind if he ever saw Charlie again, now all that was called for was getting the cab to make a pit stop to the nearest McDonalds before getting to the Pittsburgh airport with a clear route to freedom, but poor Sarah was worried for the entire car ride about how she would smooth things over the phone with her dad over the coming days.

Ray paid for the plane tickets for his family to go see Charlie and Sally on 3 occasions, even he doesn’t know if he really wants to pay to fly to see them for a 4^th trip, it depends what his girlfriend Sarah wants and demands really.

Ray worries that next time he will be ordered to pay for a wedding by Charlie even if Sarah doesn’t care either way, I mean after all Marriage for a Catholic couple is kind of expected, Charlie would prefer it, but will he demand it too?