For
the longest
time, all I could see were things about myself that were far less
than acceptable, I was unsatisfied with 95% of who I was. And I
decided my life will consist of waiting, as I go through the process
of changing myself to someone I can like.
I
didn’t like
my teeth, my two front teeth are bigger. I didn’t like my pink
gums and how much they showed when I smiled. I didn’t like how
skinny my hips were, I wanted an apple bottom but alas, I felt I was
straight. I didn’t like my personality, I didn’t even
have one. I was afraid to be anything around others, whether good or
bad. I lacked courage to show any of myself to people. I didn’t
like how I trembled when I had to speak up, legs quaking and
earthquakes and thunder ripping in my chest while my almost inaudible
voice shook violently. I didn’t like the school I went to, rich
kids did not go to my school. It wasn’t bougie. I didn’t
like that I wasn’t street smart, I was told by my mom that I
lacked common sense. Any conversation that had nuances was lost on
me, especially when I was nervous.
All
these
overshadowed the things I liked about myself. Like how intelligent I
was, always the top of my class. Learning came easy to me and I never
had to study much to make outstanding results. I also knew how to
dance and loved it. I never missed an opportunity to display my
dancing on stage at school social events. I really came alive then.
I’m
also
realizing in hindsight that I had great leadership skills. Whatever
venture (dancing or performing) that I was involved in was always
named Fulem and co. I used to come up with daring ideas and had the
skill to get my friends to believe in it and work in a team.
But
these shining
attributes about me were nothing. How can I be somebody when I can’t
even talk? When my smile was this different? (I can’t bring
myself right now to call anything about me ugly, especially a smile
that blesses the world). How could I accept myself when I wasn’t
like them? The cool kids. I thus decided I had to be perfect before I
could acknowledge me as somebody. I had to fix it all. That was my
quest in life.
I
did a good number
of things to lift myself from the pit of imperfection I had been
condemned to be in. I started by convincing my parents to send me to
a private school. I felt if I was in close contact with “elite”
kids, some of their confidence and boldness will rub off on me. I was
quite sad there because there was no magic pill I could drink to just
become bold. I left there still very timid, but with somewhat some
bragging rights of being sort of elite.
Strange
enough, in
my late teens, I realized that I was pretty actually. This came as a
surprise to me. We used to shave our head really low while in
secondary school, but when I was about to go to university, I started
growing out my hair. I remember the day so distinctly. I had braided
my hair the Alicia Keys style and there I was standing in front of
the mirror preparing to go out to meet my friends. I saw a really
pretty girl staring back at me in the mirror. Out of nowhere! What a
delight, and a shock.
There
also came a
time when I was obsessed with becoming a model. I think Tyra Banks
was responsible for that fever. I dreamt, and in my dreams I was
walking on runways and appearing on billboards and magazine covers. I
had all the money, and my beauty had finally been validated with a
bang. And I’m the kind of person who when she believes in
something, will carry and displace mountains to be able to at least
try that thing. So I embarked on an adventure. I left my home
country, Cameroon, moved to Italy and stayed in Milan to make my
dreams come true. But I ended up getting scammed by an agency that
claimed to want to represent me.
While
these previous
attempts at changing myself didn’t really work out, they
exposed me to more of life and I’m grateful for that.
When
I turned 30, I
was still very timid. Still not accepting of myself. But then, one
thing got the ball rolling in the right direction. I discovered
Toastmasters. Toastmasters was a place where my lack of confidence
did not make others regard me like a freak. Where my error fell on
gentle soil, which was cultivated to build better performance.
I
felt a glimmer of
hope when I made my first speech, my ice breaker in a meeting in
front of an audience of about 20 people. The hope came from the fact
that my excitement at the experience was greater than my fear. That
is when I conquered. I went on to become the most committed member,
present at all meetings and always seizing an opportunity to talk.
The growth was steady and palpable.
At
the same time I
was reading books, some books that stood out, I read even up to 5x
(like How to Make Friends and Influence People). I was like a sponge,
I am still. I soak in everything that can make me better. Books,
podcasts, YouTube videos, you name it. I was on a quest, I am on a
quest.
But,
I digress.
Over
time I have
grown to see my two front teeth as really cute, I have a friend who
calls it rabbit and I giggle. My pink gums are different and I smile
and bless the world whenever I’m moved to. About my skinny
hips, I’m happy to say age has been kind and I celebrate my
curves.
But
the greatest
prize of all, my personality is fierce. It is a force, I create
worlds just by being me. I can tear down and build up, but I’m
always building up, myself and anyone I’m blessed to encounter.
My personality can protect me and my loved ones and the things I care
about, that makes me incredibly grateful.
I
sometimes wonder
what it would have been like if I had embraced me long ago, and
allowed myself to live life fully. I feel like there are so many
things I missed because I know for a fact now that imperfection is so
interesting and gives life spice.
All
the ways in
which we fall short allow us to get enmeshed in the tapestry of life
as another, a loved one, intertwines with us to make up for it, all
leading to a delightful design.
But
I’ll say
this, I’m grateful for it all and open to all that comes.
Iya is a
Cameroonian born 36 year old lady. She has always lived passionately
with an avid interest in dance, music, traveling. Up until recently,
she had built a career in Finance, with a Bachelor and a Master’s
degree in the field. She worked as a banker but quit the corporate
world at the start of 2024 to pursue everything that lights her up.
Writing poetry and nonfiction are presently amongst her most
enjoyable activities. She
writes on
substack too, as Iya Fulem. Kindly visit to see more of her work.
(Unless
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