“God Jehovah’s anger was kindled against Balaam the prophet, son of Beor of Pethor of Mesopotamia; and so the Lord opened the mouth of Balaam’s Ass. The Ass said unto Balaam, “What have I done unto thee that thou hast smitten me these three times?” The Bible.

Characters:-

-ASS.

-BALAAM. An old man.

(A country road. BALAAM enters on foot, hauling ASS by the reins. ASS resists. BALAAM strikes ASS.)

ASS: What is the matter with you? Stop hitting me!

BALAAM: What is the matter with me? You dumb Ass! I have to walk because you keep turning off from the road! Why do you keep turning off from the road? I feed you enough! I feed you fresh vegetables; not grass! You must be the only dumb Ass in the world-----

ASS: (Interrupting him.) Listen to yourself, Mister Balaam, Prophet, sir. You're talking to your “dumb Ass.”

BALAAM: (Taken aback at the realization.) Oh, my god! What's happening to me?

ASS: Can't you see? You're a holy prophet, for god's sake!

BALAAM: (He glares at ASS. He flings the reins out of his hands, and sits on the ground. Because of his age he has some difficulty lowering himself to the ground. He is distressed. He talks aloud to himself.) I'm having a really, really bad day! “For god’s sake” you say? Ass, you speak truer than you know. Jehovah God spoke to me, face-to-face like He did the great Moses of Egypt. He commanded me to stay at home. But mighty men offered me fabulous rewards to come visit them. I obeyed the men; and ignored Jehovah God. And so that is why Jehovah God is afflicting me with a talking ass.

ASS: You want me to tell you what's happening? As I see it?

BALAAM: (He covers his face with his hands.) Just go away. Go away. I am sorry I disobeyed Jehovah God. I will walk back home to Mesopotamia. You are free. I never want to see you again. Ass!

ASS: That's not going to work, Prophet, sir! Look at me. You have to look at me, Balaam, son of Beor! (BALAAM slowly moves his hands away from his face. He looks at ASS.)

BALAAM: (Wearily.) Are you really talking?

ASS: Yes. I think so. I don't know. What do I know? I'm just a “dumb ass”, for god's sake! You're the holy Prophet. Mister supposed-to-know-it-all.

BALAAM: (Incredulously to ASS.) So, what I am seeing and hearing is a talking ass?

ASS: A real miracle, don't you think? Come on! You're a holy Prophet, Balaam. You are used to miracles.

BALAAM: (Weakly. Not convinced.) You're right. This is a miracle. This has to be a miracle because I don't smoke and I don't drink alcoholic beverages. I am a holy person. I drink only water. Although, I haven't slept on my soft bed for days. Haven't had a good night's sleep in days. This could be the consequences of serious sleep deprivation. But, just in case, if this is a miracle, why?

ASS: You asking me?

BALAAM: (With a sheepish look.) Why not? You're the only one here, other than myself. I think.

ASS: You really don't see anything strange around here?

BALAAM: What kind of an assinine question is that? I'm looking at a talking ass! Listening to a talking ass! Talking to a talking ass! (On the brink of tears.) God help me! I'm losing my mind. This is not a miracle. This is a nightmare. An evil nightmare!

ASS: Okay. I'm going to go out on a limb here, because I am not sure of what I am seeing.

BALAAM: What are you talking about? There's nothing strange about me. You're my Ass. You see and hear me every day. I ride you all over the Country. I have always been kind to you; and this is how you treat me. The only strange thing about me is that I do not use a whip on you. Everybody says I'm a fool for sparing you the whip. Well, no more. I'm getting myself a whip!

ASS: No whip? Well, you certainly made up for that with all your kicking and slapping a few minutes ago. (A pause. They look angrily at each other. BALAAM relents.)

BALAAM: All right! All right! I'm sorry. But why did you keep turning off from the road?

ASS: Because that man kept standing in my way.

BALAAM: (A bit irritated.) There was nobody else on the road except you and me. Ever since we left the town. Just stop behaving like an ass!

ASS: How could you not have seen him? He was right there! (A pause. ASS glares at BALAAM. BALAAM looks at ASS before gesturing hopelessness, and taking a deep breath.)

BALAAM: (To himself, mostly.) I think I'll go the rest of the way on foot. (He struggles to get up on his feet.)

ASS: Be careful, Balaam. He had a long shiny sword. Looked brand new. And sharp. And pointy. And lethal. Murderously lethal.

BALAAM: (Still not quite up on his feet.) Thank you. I'll try diligently to keep all that important information in mind when I see him.

ASS: Really? You did not see the sword either? He could be a robber, Balaam. I think you and I should stick together. He might come back. (BALAAM is on his feet, but he stands bent, and still, because of the pain he is experiencing in his knees and lower back.)

BALAAM: (Speaking slowly and pointedly sarcastically.) If he comes back you will have nothing to worry about. Just run away on your four good legs. Be happy that I won't be kicking and slapping you around. Ohh, lord! I'm getting a splitting headache.

ASS: (Staring off-stage, as if hypnotized.) Oh-oh! (BALAAM looks at ASS.)

BALAAM: What?

ASS: I think he's back.

BALAAM: A man?

ASS: Yes.

BALAAM: The same one you saw earlier on?

ASS: Absolutely! The very same man with a shiny sword!

BALAAM: Then, that’s it! Eureka! Ventriloquism!

ASS: Whatever that means. He’s coming this way, Balaam! Brandishing his shiny sword!

BALAAM: He is a ventriloquist! A circus performer ventriloquist! There is a circus in town!

(A blinding light shines onto them from off-stage. BALAAM hobbles quickly to be behind ASS. ASS tries to keep BALAAM between it and the light. The light grows brighter and brighter. Blackout.)