“As Elisha was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the City, and mocked him, and said unto him: “Go up thou bald head; go up thou bald head.” And Elisha turned back and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty-and-two children of them.” The Bible.

Characters:-

Gabriel. Archangel.

Michael. Archangel. Office manager.

(The scene is inside the main office of a recruiting station somewhere in Heaven, within sight of Saint Peter’s gate. Downstage-right there is the manager’s chair, and desk-table. On the desk-table is a typewriter computer, rotary phone, other office stuff.
The entire upstage wall is cluttered with notices, posters, photographs, and so on. Downstage-left there is a chair, and table with pens and forms for applicants to fill out. MICHAEL enters hurriedly, stage-left center. He carries a bag bulging with official documents. He plonks the bag down against the upstage wall and engages in removing/pinning/re-positioning papers on the wall, before sitting at his manager’s desk-table downstage-right, doing paperwork. After a few seconds, GABRIEL enters,
stage-left center. He approaches MICHAEL at his desk.)

GABRIEL: Michael, sorry I took so long. What is the emergency?

MICHAEL: I have to fill two vacancies by tomorrow, and nobody is applying. They read the posting, and recoil in disgust.

GABRIEL: Disgust? What is it for? (MICHAEL hands him a page. Gabriel takes it and reads silently.)
Yikes! Is this a joke?

MICHAEL: Not a joke, GABE. And, please sign up. In addition to the pay, I will personally double it.

GABRIEL: That’s still only one bear, MICHAEL.

MICHAEL: I have to be the second one, if nobody else applies. (They look at each other in silence for seconds.)

GABRIEL: (Warily and slowly and almost a whisper.) Why does he hate children so much?

MICHAEL: (Shrugging despairingly, speaking very softly.) Because being almighty he can get away with it? After all, has he not gotten away with commanding Moses many times to “kill the little ones”?

GABRIEL: ( Softly, hesitantly.) Uh, Michael, the bears just have to kill the forty children; but not eat them?

MICHAEL: Just killed; not eaten. So far.

GABRIEL: So far?
MICHAEL: Gabe, you know Jehovah. If he chooses to, he can change his mind, and nobody can do anything about it. Chaldean-Abram-Hebrew did not live long enough to know if Jehovah’s promise to him was fulfilled. Jehovah unscrupulously broke his promise to Moses, keeping Moses from leading the Israelites into the Promised Land. Jehovah, after sending two Angels to move Lot and his family from Sodom and Gomorrah before he bombed those Cities into oblivion, did absolutely nothing to prevent Lot’s daughters from committing incest with their Dad. The list of Jehovah’s criminal not-carings continues everywhere, to this day.

GABRIEL: Michael, to help you out, I will sign up to murder mortal children; but if Jehovah changes the rules after I sign up, I will not eat the children. I would rather do another Lucifer on Jehovah, than agree to murder and eat children.

MICHAEL: Gabe, it does not have to come to that if you and I murder all forty children. If I have to work with someone else, I might not have a choice but to eat the children alive! (For a few long seconds they stare at each other in silence.)

GABRIEL: (Softly and slowly.) All right, Mike, I will sign up, as long as I am let off eating the children I murder for Jehovah.

MICHAEL: Thank you, Gabriel. Rest assured, my friend, I already have a plan I am working on. You and I will not have to eat the children Jehovah orders us to murder, even if he belatedly orders we eat the children alive. (They shake hands. They part. MICHAEL goes to his desk. He works at the computer while he interacts with GABRIEL.)

GABRIEL: There are forms to complete?

MICHAEL: Yes; at that table. (Gabriel sits at the
downstage-left table and proceeds to fill out an application form. He speaks as he writes.)

GABRIEL: Mike, any particular reason why “she bears”?

MICHAEL: Not a clue. But are not she bears better than the frogs and lice and fleas we had to be, serving Jehovah under Moses in Pharaoh’s Egypt?

GABRIEL: Oh, please, do not remind me. To this day, my skin shivers when I remember.

MICHAEL: Nonetheless, Gabe, as frogs and lice and fleas, we were not required to murder Egyptian children. Although almighty Jehovah had no scruples against murdering children himself, in Egypt.

GABRIEL: (Almost a whisper.) Hey, Mike? You think it is worth trying to get J-V to change from she bears to frogs-and-lice-and-flies? As I recall, as frogs-and- lice- and- flies we were not required to kill anyone.

MICHAEL: Way ahead of you, Gabe. I asked. He said he understood the prophet Elisha’s curse on the forty children for justice was for their painful and lingering death.

GABRIEL: Just an ‘understanding’; no specific mention of ‘death’?

MICHAEL: Gabe, don’t. I understand how squeamish you feel, because I feel just as squeamish. Let us be thankful that as she bears we will have the strength to bite off or claw off heads completely in less than seconds. The children will feel no pain. If we ask Jehovah for clarification of details, he might clarify with details we cannot wiggle out of. Right now, I am seeing lots of wiggle room, Gabe. So, let us practise hard to be the most efficiently vicious she bears there ever were and ever will be. Humourlessly.) Yay! Go she bears!

GABRIEL: You’re right, Michael. Very good. Is Jehovah planning to witness our she bears performance?

MICHAEL: I think not. And, Gabriel, please, I hope you are not thinking of mentioning that to anyone!

GABRIEL: No, no, no. I bring it up with you because----

MICHAEL: -----If Jehovah witnesses our performance, and is impressed, He might want a repeat play with other children elsewhere? An annual event.

GABRIEL: Heaven help us! Do you have any idea just when all this is to happen?

MICHAEL: (Leaning in to consult his computer screen.) Sometime tomorrow. So, it’s good that I have sent in our applications. I expect to receive approval of our applications any minute.

GABRIEL: (Standing in preparation to exit.) I will wait in my home to hear from you.

MICHAEL: Practise your she bear grunts and roars.

GABRIEL: And lethal manoeuvres. (Pauses and turns to Michael after two steps to exiting.) Ohhhh, wowww! What a deliciously wicked thought!

MICHAEL: Share! Share!

GABRIEL: Is there anything in Jehovah’s regulations that forbids us from confronting that prophet, face-to-face in all our bloodiness from head to foot after we have murdered those forty children for his pleasure? (For a few very short seconds they stare at each other in paralyzed rigid wide-eyed dropped-jaw ecstatic silent joy before exploding into floor-stomping thigh-slapping dancing, as the stage lights rapidly fade to blackout.)
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