All Cried Out Uzoamaka Onwubiko   © Copyright 2022 by Usoamaka Onwubiko

Photo by-Juan-Pablo-Serrano-Arenas-courtesy of Pexels.

I grew up in a family of 4. 3 girls and a boy I was the third child. My mom was an amazing woman who in spite of my father's negligence to the family didn't stop to give love to us. My father was never there never cared about our well being my mother in her little power tried to see we were attended to. We didn't have a normal conversation with our father it was like we were scared to approach him so he wouldn't Insult us it was just my mom. It was never easy for her to pay our school fees on time, sometimes we will be sent back home because of tuition but my mom will always work 3 times more to provide it for us. She was amazing,patient and loving.always there to listen to us complain,cry about our fathers treatment but she always encouraged us told us no matter how distant our father acted that he loves she indeed was a good woman.this was her struggle till successfully my two sister's were done with school it was now I and my younger brother Joseph that was still in school.but unfortunately death took her from us,death took her so early without even warning us. We didn't know that our mother was diagnosed of cancer and she didn't have money for treatment instead the money she was getting she was using it to cater for us. For the love of God what about our father? He isn't disabled he could work if he wanted to but he left the whole burden for our mom. Our mom have been bed ridden and taking treatment from home she could go to the hospital but she said we didn't have enough money,Even at that my dad was still far from her,now she needed him the most one would think this material was not base on love.but he has 4 children!4! How then did it happen if it wasn't love?  

While we were going to school that day before we left my mom told us she loves us and we should always stay close to each other.i wondered why she would be talking like that my senior sister eve left in a hurry she didn't even want to hear her.she acted like my father she was so distant I only was close to my other sister Jane. Eve and Jane my sister were working under someone in a salon so they left in a hurry.After school I was coming back with excitement to tell my mom about the prize I won in class but getting to our compound I saw different people in our compound,her sisters were outside wailing when they saw us coming all eyes were on us.i saw my two sisters lying down on the floor crying, looking at them from far fear began to creep in I wasn't a child I could sense something was wrong my legs weakened.my sister's were crying and our neighbors were consoling them why will they be consoling them if what we feared would happen haven't happened,I dropped my bag on the floor and ran inside in search of my mother.where is my mom? Where is she I started asking with theirs already dropping from my eyes one of our neighbors came and held me I grabbed him by his collar so tight please where is my mom?where is she? All he could say was he was sorry that I will be fine that is when it hit me hard my mom was dead.i screamed out so loud placed my two hands on my head I rolled myself on the floor I cried out if possible all the tears my body can produce that day 

I kept crying no one could hold me.my mom!why my mom? I can't lose my mom that woman meant every thing to me to me I felt like losing her was like losing a reason to live on I cried no one could console me. I cried till evening everyone has left but I was still crying my sister's are all cried out but I was still crying that woman meant the world to me the thought of knowing that I'm just left with my intolerable dad and annoying senior sister,the thought of that alone made me cry mom. I started questioning God.why my mom?why not my dad? I could live with my mom alone I can't imagine my world alone with my dad.it took me days to get all cried out.indeed I knew my story was going to be different from that day.i knew I was all on my own from that day I prayed to God to give me strength to live on.

 I remember how many times I imagined how my life without my mom would look like and it always made me scared and I always prayed to God that she will get to old age,not till sickness came I became more scared now she finally left. She left me alone with a man that doesn't care about his children,our eldest daughter didn't make it easy for me in most families where the mom is away it's always the first daughter that fills the space of a mother but not my sister. Every day I will have to wake up and try and prepare my younger brother for school.some days I go to school sometimes I don't and my father or my sister never notices. I had no one to open up to,I had no one to talk to I was alone and each passing day I missed my mom no one was taking care of my needs they didn't ask me what I wanted and they didn't get me anything.i had to manage the little I had from what my mom left me. Sometimes I went to school without money sometimes I went with little money and at this point I knew I was vulnerable. One day as I was coming back from school I met a young guy Daniel very handsome and he approached me,told me he just moved in newly,he offered to buy me food of course I agreed I wasn't even sure I would see food when I get home.after he got me food he gave me money to get home. I was so happy and I felt like I have found someone amazing that will take care of me. I got home,had my bath without bothering to eat again I went to bed happy.if only my mom was alive I could have told her this.

  The next day after school he came around again bought me food and gave me money to go home,listened to me why I spoke,he gave me all his attention and I was in love already.i was still in high school I was in my final year in high school I was meant to prepare for our final year exam that will determine if I can make it to college then I met this young man Daniel.in my head I felt like he was going to be my husband.i started following him,anything he wanted me to do I will do and I always looked forward to see him every day.i didn't have a phone so we never communicated once I got home. On a weekend Daniel invited me to his house because I trusted him and I was in love with him I accepted to go see him. I left without letting anyone know where I was going. Each time I was close to Daniel I always felt this comfort I really thought he was the love of my life. He offered me food and drink,after he gave me ice-cream. Ice-cream that no one has ever bought for me why will I not leave myself with him.after that Daniel started telling me how much he loves me and how he is going to take care of me of course I believed him he gave me things no one in my house ever thought of giving me,I started having reasons to smile all because of him so I believed his words. He promised me he will never leave me and again I believed him after that he started touching me,I haven't been touch before and I was scared I tried stopping him but he asked me if I loved him and I said yes,of course I loved him,he asked if I trusted him and I said yes then he told me to relax he will make me happy. So I let him. I allowed him touch me,he undressed me and pleasured me I had feelings I have never had,he entered me it was hurtful at first then pleasure after that there was drops of blood on his bed he helped me wash off. I just lost my virginity with him but for some reasons I was happy because it was with him. We continued like that once in awhile I would visit him and we will have sex,he later got me a small phone I was so happy.phone I know no one will ever get for me in the house he got it for me and told me he was traveling far I told I would miss him,he told me that was why he got me a phone. 

Unfortunately when I got home that day and my sister's saw me with the phone they started asking who gave the phone to me I told them it was someone that dashed me the phone,they kept asking I couldn't tell them it was a boy,I couldn't tell them it was my boyfriend but I know they suspected that out of anger they smashed my phone and beat the hell out of me. They beat me badly of course no one will stop them and after that I fell very sick.i was so sick they bought drugs for me to take but it wasn't working so my dad called in a nurse to come check on me and then she gave a breaking news. A news that changed my life,a news that made me realize yet again that I was alone.the nurse told my dad I was pregnant. Oh my God!!I didn't see that coming my father was so disappointed and angry that he sent me out of the house in the night with no where to go.where was he expecting me to go I cried and begged him,I pleaded grabbed on him but he kicked me out not even with a cloth I was given nothing.i was sent out on the street in the night,a young girl like me with nothing.no cloth,no money,no phone absolutely nothing.where will I go?I was crying on the street and I was scared I went to a closed shop and his myself there praying no one would see me.i was crying and started wishing my mom was alive she would have atleast fought for me as I was hiding in the shop a young guy was passing and pointed his touch in my direction immediately I went to hide behind a table in the shop he asked me what I was doing I lied and told him I was waiting for someone he didn't say much he left I snuggled myself and prayed to God to help me.i know my father he will never accept me and I don't have any other person to go to and I couldn't go to Daniels house. He doesn't live alone and I wasn't sure he was still around as I was lost in thought still crying the young man passed by again and tried hiding from him again but this time he came closer and asked me again what I was doing all by myself in a place like that and at this time of the night I told him I didn't have anywhere to go,he asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell him,and he didn't force me to tell him he asked me if I will like to go with him I became scared,I told him that I can't what if he was a bad person he smiled and told me he wouldn't feel happy leaving me here all by myself he might leave and then the bad people will now come for me.i asked him where he was living he told me but I didn't know that place but then I have no where to go and this man just invited me so I followed him.it was late so I didn't really know where we were going and I didn't really know what he looked like but I followed him with faith. We got to his house it was a small apartment he didn't say much to me he allowed me sleep on his bed and he slept on the floor and I cried myself to sleep. 

 The next day he woke up before me and was preparing to go to work and that was when I saw his face,he was a good looking young man he gave me food to eat and a cloth to change into when I bath then he left to work.i ate had my bath and changed into his cloth I went back to crying.later that day the guy came back and sat across me,he told me his name was Kelvin,I told him I was ella he asked me what was wrong so I opened up to him I told him everything and how my dad sent me out of the house and how my mom was late.he asked me about the father of the child I told him I haven't been able to reach him. So he gave me his phone to call the guy good thing I know his number by heart.i called him and told him I needed to see him,Daniel told me to come to his house Kelvin gave me transport money to go see him. So I went to see Daniel I told him I was pregnant and how my father sent me out of the house because of it and was staying with guy I didn't know. Daniel was shocked and asked me if I was sure it was his own??oh my God!!how could he ask me that?I lost my virginity to him it's been only him I have been seeing and he knows that why will he ask me that?he then apologized and told me we should remove it that besides he was leaving the country and won't be around but I was in love with this guy why will he be so casual with me in a situation like this?but how he ended up having sex with me that same day I don't know and gave me small money for transport told me he will call me so I went back to Kelvins house I told him what happened and that Daniel said he would call.so we waited but Daniel didn't call,I had to call him and Daniel shouted at me and asked me never to call his line again.kelvin was so angry Kelvin called him himself,but instead Daniel insulted Kelvin and blocked his line oh my God!!that was when I knew of a truth I was on my own. My mom is not alive,my dad sent me out of the house,my sister's are not even in search of me because I know my dad restricted them from having anything with me,The man that got me pregnant has denied me and the baby how he succeeded in having sex with me in the midst of this I don't know I was really so stupid how could I have fallen this deep. That was when I realised I was really on my own I was scared,helpless and heartbroken .

 It was so clear to me the only one I had in my life was Kelvin and I was living each day afraid that he might ask me to leave but Kelvin wasn't like that. He didn't treat me as a stranger and he cared in the little way he could. Kelvin didn't have much and the work he was doing wasn't paying him much,he was working as a voters card agent and it didn't pay him well yet from the little he would still take care of me. He allowed me wear his clothes he asked me if my sister's wouldn't even look for me I had to beg him go visit our house and beg my sister's for cloth I could wear and he went. Thank God it was Jane he met Jane followed him to his house to see me she was happy to see me she brought clothes from the house for me and she told me our father warned them not to be in contact with me atleast she is happy now I'm with someone so she left afterwards. Unfortunately Kelvin lost the job he was doing and it made him stay in the house often,his friends kept asking him to send me away,told him that I could be bad luck I always hear them talk by the window and each time they feed Kelvin with this talks I got more scared that Kelvin might listen but never for once did Kelvin pay attention to them. He asked them to let him be every night Kelvin will sleep on the floor and I will sleep on the bed never for once did he make an attempt to touch me. Kelvin started wrapping weeds in the house to sell so we could survive he taught me to wrap and helped him out. The money he made from selling those weed was what we were surviving on. 

Kelvin told me to learn to come out even if it's once that I should stop hiding myself in the room every day but I was too ashamed to come out. I didn't want people to see me I and Kelvin started getting to know ourselves.he told me he was the only son and had a sister but they never met their father or know who he was. He didn't want his mom or sister to ever meet me. He would get me fruits sometimes when he is coming back and some days we won't have any thing to eat,he will beg his friends for food and give me to eat. One day we were in the room I started feeling pains in my stomach I started shouting the pain was so much Kelvin rushed me to the hospital the bill was much I was treated,how Kelvin was able to afford it I didn't know drugs were given to me and I was advised to enroll for antenatal. When we got home I noticed our foam and television was gone.kelvin told e he had to sell them to be able to pay for my hospital bill.i cried knowing how much of a burden i was to him what did I do to deserve I'm to treat me this way,Kelvin hugged me and old me not to worry hat things will be okay. That night he spread sheet for me on the floor and poured lots of cloth on the floor to make it soft for me.Kelvin was indeed an amazing man,not once did he try to take advantage of me. Luckily someone gave him a tricycle to use for transportation as higher purchase he was so happy. His first day coming back after work he bought me food and some clothes,I was so happy and I really appreciated him. His friends became nicer to me and started referring to me as his wife,they will playfully call me his wife and I will laugh and pass. Things started going well for I and Kelvin he was now able to buy us another foam.I wanted to assist him so he gave me small money I used it to get flour to make snacks for kids in school.i will make snacks and go to schools to sell it.

 I know I was meant to be in school but this is the story of my life.i didn't want that hold me down anymore I tried hard to pull through and Kelvin made it easy for me. I sold snacks in schools and in weeks I made money enough to buy us a gas and Kelvin was so happy.we were doing fine and we were happy,I always wondered if Kelvin had a girlfriend he was too good not to have any girl in his life but I didn't want to ask him. I wasn't sure why I never asked either because I was hoping he didn't have one,or I avoided knowing he had one so it won't be a reason for me to leave.i was in the house one day preparing to go to schools again to sell my snacks when I had a knock on the door I opened and it was a lady,she told me she was looking for Kelvin with the way she looked at me from my head down to my toe,then fixed her eyes on my growing belle I presumed she was Kelvins girlfriend I told her he was not around so she left. When I was back I prepared something for I and Kelvin while he was eating I told him of the girl that visited he told me that was his ex girlfriend he wondered why she came visiting. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. That night I and Kelvin slept on the bed together,we started sleeping on the bed together but Kelvin still didn't try touching me. The next day as usual Kelvin went to work I was preparing to go for my sells then a woman and her daughter barged into the house she started asking me what I was doing in her son's house? I never expected to see Kelvins mom atleast not like this,a and I never expected her to be this loud,I told her I was Kelvins girlfriend I had to say that,she asked me if the pregnancy was his and I said after she stared me down she left with her daughter. I waited patiently for Kelvin to come back so I could tell him what happened. I told him about his mom and sisters visit,he asked me if they harassed me and I said no,I told him the questions his mom asked and the reply I gave her he was happy. 

The next day my sister Jane visited me,she was so happy I was being taken care of she stayed a while with me and left.i was receiving air proudly outside I remember when I use to be ashamed to walk around the compound now most of his neighbours believed that the baby belonged to Kelvin only his friends knew the truth. I was inside trying to arrange the house then I started hearing a bang on the door,I wondered who could be knocking like that opening the door it was Kelvins mom and sister again she started calling me names and telling me how I have planned to kill her only son and impose a pregnancy that isn't his on him she and her daughter started beating me. I held on to the protector by the window so I wouldn't fall,and I tried keeping my tummy away from their hits,they beat me without being mindful I was pregnant and they asked me to leave his house,they dragged me out of the house.could my life be any worse I was outside crying sitting on the floor have never felt this assumed I went to where I knew Kelvin usually stopped before coming to the house i stayed there and waited for him. I wondered who could have told his mom the child wasn't his. Kelvin was surprised to see me there crying he saw the bruises on my body he asked me what happened and i told him he took me back to the house he apologized then I went to sleep. Kelvin left the house out of anger and went to his mom's shop warned her never in her life should she come to his house to beat up his girlfriend again whether the child is his or not it has nothing to do with her.besides him and his sister don't know who their father is. Kelvins mother never expected him to act like that more reasons she hated me.kelvin warned her never to come to his house again if the child was his or not it was none of their business he took the responsibility upon himself and that they should stay away he asked her how she would feel if it was her daughter that was treated that way for blessed sake you beat up a pregnant woman,and told his sister how disappointed he was in her instead of her to go get herself a man she is trying to destroy a person's life. After he was done speaking he left. 

Kelvin came back to the house and apologized to me,made me a meal and served me this man was loving me in every possibly way yet he wasn't the one that got me pregnant. After that day we went back to our normal lives but every day I overheard his friends telling him to send me away and how can he let a total stranger make him have problem with his family. His friends will see me and pretend they are okay with me but when I'm not there they kept persuading Kelvin to send me away. One day Kelvin came back from work early and told me to get dressed he wanted to take me to his aunt's house she was a midwife that he wanted to travel it was best I stayed with her since she was a midwife he would react me better,I felt t was nice since I wasn't enrolled for antenatal, I packed a few things and followed Kelvin the road we went through was a lonely road and if I was to come back alone I might get lost we arrived in the house Kelvin claimed his aunt stayed the lady welcomed me and took my bag, Kelvin and his said aunt took a distance to have a conversation in my mind probably family matters I didn't think much about it when they were done Kelvin told me to relax that once he was back he would come and take me after that Kelvin left. The lady took me into the house and told me I was not allowed to come outside,that I'm only allowed to move around inside that was a weird command but I was in her house I had to listen to her. That afternoon she gave me a drug to take I took it, whatever happened afterwards I didn't know only for me to open my eyes to a new day. I wasn't allowed to go outside to bath she would get a bath I would sit in it and she would clean my body, then she would give me food and fruits after that she would give me the drug to take again,she told me the drugs will help my baby I would sleep and only wake up the next day. I didn't like the treatment and I couldn't leave, I started praying for Kelvin to come back already little did I know that Kelvin was the one who always visited to drop fruits and food for me. I begged the woman to allow me go outside or even bath outside she told me I can only do that when her daughter comes back,or do I want people seeing me in this condition? I felt she had a point I wasn't totally proud I was pregnant at this age so I accepted and started praying for atleast let her daughter come.  

A week later I was still in this house with this woman, Kelvin wasn't back yet but luckily her daughter came back the girl was 11,12,13 I wasn't sure . The woman started allowing me go outside the house with her daughter. The first day I stepped out I finally had a feel of breath air,it was so refreshing and cool I never knew I could feel this way about going outside I finally had the opportunity to have a bath. Her daughter brought me a bucket of water I washed myself poured all the water on my body,called her to get me another one I used 4 buckets of water on my self that day I felt so happy and refreshed. I sat with the girl outside and she was telling me about her friends and for some reasons I don't know the girl liked me. One day we were outside she was peeling melons and I was helping her peel it the little girl told me that she likes me but she doesn't like what her mother does. The little girl told me her mother sells people's baby,I had a shock look on my face I never expected that. Did Kelvin know this?was that why he sent me here? Or he wasn't aware I wasn't sure. The girl told me not to be taking the drugs her mom gives me that the drug will make her sell my baby without me knowing. That she sells people's baby and when they ask she will tell them their baby died,her mom was arrested before that was why they came to this secret environment. Fear gripped me after that day the woman will give me the drug I will throw it away without her knowing.i think the woman noticed I wasn't drinking the drug again she started giving me a drink she mixed herself whatever was in that drink I didn't know I would pretend to drink it and throw up I told her the drink was making me throw up she was angry and told me to force myself to drink it,it would be good for I and the baby I would try again and throw up, I didn't want it to be suspicious so I started acting like everything was making me want to throw up, body spray, perfume anything with smell I would throw up. 

The next day I was with the girl peeling melons again I asked her if she knows if Kelvin was back,she told me Kelvin didn't travel that he was the one that always brought food and fruits for me I was shocked by that. Why will Kelvin do this to me? I thought he cared about me I know pleaded with the girl to right to Kelvin for me I told her to tell Kelvin to please come and take me that I wasn't treated fairly here. The girl went and delivered it for me,I was so grateful to her I wish her mother was a nice person the girl deserves better. The next day in the morning Kelvin came to pick me, when I saw Kelvin I was so happy I hugged him so tight. I have missed him,I have missed his face,I have missed everything about him and it was at that moment I realized that I loved Kelvin. Kelvin held my hand and told the woman he wanted to take me out just for a walk that he will bring me back. I saw the girl when I was leaving and she smiled at me she knew I was leaving she waved without her mom seeing her I smiled back.i was so grateful for her while we were leaving I told Kelvin I wasn't going back there Kelvin told me he knew,and he apologized that he wasn't aware I wasn't being treated well. He felt that me being aware was for the best so his mom won't come back for me but now he is taking me back no one will ever make him send me away that whoever wants to fight me will have to go through him first. Tears dropped from my eye receiving this type of love from a total stranger,he didn't get me pregnant,he never knew me before yet he has shown me greater love than my sister's or even my father.we went to the house I had another cold bath,I changed into an outfit Kelvin bought for me he told me he was taking me out. So we went out on our way some tried stopping his tricycle but Kelvin refused to carry anyone I begged him to carry so we could make money why trying to have fun but he refused he said today was just for me,it was for his girlfriend. I was so happy he takes me as his girlfriend I was so grateful to God for sending Kelvin my way. We first went to the pool,the swimming was so relaxing I think I and my baby loved it after that Kelvin took me to a restaurant where he asked me to order whatever I wanted, then we went to see a movie it felt so nice it was the best fun I have ever had since I was born. Going back Kelvin kept telling me of everything that happened while I was away he told me he came every day to see me,I told him I knew because the woman's daughter told me. He also told me that the woman has warn his daughter never to greet him again,that the woman called him bad market and insulted him that he wanted to put her in trouble we both laughed at that. When we got home,I changed o my night dress Kelvin brought out a wine for us to drink atleast today I had every reason to celebrate I'm breathing fresh air again.when we were done drinking as usual Kelvin always wanted to respect me by not touching me so he was ready to sleep but I had to ask him i know that I'm pregnant but don't he ever intend touching me? He laughed and told me he finds me attractive and he loves me but he has great respect for me but that day I told him to please disrespect me and touch me. So for the first time ever I had sex with Kelvin and I was happy he was too I slept off having my head on his chest. In the middle of the night I woke up screaming with a sharp pain in my stomach I was scared I thought it was labor so Kelvin rushed and drove me to the hospital after everything it wasn't labor probably the treatment I had with that woman's or the swimming after that they asked me to enroll for antenatal this time I got enrolled.some times Kelvin attended the class with me and some women addressed him as my husband I was happy and I felt relaxed,no one was seeing the small girl that got pregnant while in school and sent out by her father,no one knew my story and that was enough for me. I was relating with other pregnant women on antenatal classes and after antenatal classes they all shared their experiences and how their husband treated them I shared mine too. I was really getting along with other women. One of the classes they asked Kelvin how often we had sex and indeed we rarely had sex and we were advised to have sex often.with all pleasure Kelvin made love to me. My sister Jane never failed to visit and I appreciated her. Kelvins friends were now open to me,no one was judging me they referred to me as "our wife" which usually means I'm accepted even Kelvins neighbors respected me too. All thanks to Kelvin I was receiving all the love and attention my family may not be giving me the love I needed but Kelvin has done everything for me. Kelvin came back the other and started telling me he would like us to go see my dad I told him that wasn't a nice idea my dad would send me away again he told me,he wanted to see my dad and tell him he wants to marry me. Oh my God!! Kelvin wants to marry me? I was so happy so I hugged him I asked him again if he was sure he really wanted to marry me and he said yes that my child is now his child and he will never treat my child differently I was so happy and I knew my father too might be okay with that but I know my father wouldn't want to see me so I wouldn't bother. The day Kelvin went to see my dad I was in the tricycle with him when we got to the house I remained outside I didn't go in with Kelvin. He told my dad who he was and told my dad he had the intention to marry me my dad was okay with that and accepted but told him he will have to wait till I give birth because custom wouldn't let him marry a pregnant woman.kelvin was okay with that atleast he has made his intention known. He asked my dad if he would want to see me but my dad said their was no point seeing me atleast he is okay with the new development. I was pass with feeling emotional about having a distant father,a man that doesn't care about me,what if the day he sent me out I had died,he doesn't want to know how I have made it this far or what I'm suffering and how I'm surviving I wasn't going to dwell on that Kelvin was my happiness. Kelvin came out and told me how everything went and we went home. We lived our life happily, one would think we were married already.

  I and Kelvin just finished having dinner when I started feeling pain in my stomach I started shouting again I told Kelvin I think I was in labour but Kelvin told me to relax I would be fine he thought it was like before but I kept shouting then my water broke he called one of our neighbors and they told him I was in labour so Kelvin rushed and drove me to the hospital the doctor and nurses rushed to me and carried me into the labor room, before I was rushed in just like that Kelvins crazy mother and sister rushed to the hospital and started calling me all sorts of names they called me a witch,and how I have come to kill her only son,she announced to everybody in the hospital that I'm not Kelvins wife that the child I was carrying doesn't belong to her son,just when I needed strength to push this woman came to draw out the little strength I had,I started crying I was crying with the pain I was going through and the words she was saying she told everyone my story just when I was happy no one knew my story which gave me courage to have beared it till now.

 Now she has come to ruin everything, everybody looked at her in disgust they told her to keep quiet the doctor asked her to keep quiet or she will be sent out of the hospital but she didn't stop,the doctor asked some men to drag her out of the hospital before they could Kelvin was there already and pushed her out of the hospital. I was pushed to the labor room with uncontrollably tears flowing down my cheeks i was asked to push but I couldn't push I was weak,so weak they kept begging me to push I tried but it wasn't working they were worried my baby would die,they were tired,they asked me to push again but I didn't the doctor left and came back later yet their was no progress. They asked if they should bring in Kelvin I said yes Kelvin was in their holding my hands and begging me to push "please mummy push,push our baby" Kelvin said with tears in his eyes he called my baby our baby so I begged him to put a Christian song for me,a song that will calm my spirit so they put a song for me with kelvin holding my hand and a song calming my spirit I kept praying inside me I can't die now I have held it till this point I can't die now please God don't let me die I picked courage and started pushing I pushed and finally a head was out finally the whole body but nothing from the baby,no sound the baby was not alive I felt weak and started crying again then the doctor told me not to stop their was another baby so I pushed again and the head was out,and the whole body came out and the baby was crying. Kelvin felt so happy I was so happy I finally did it,I did it...they showed my baby boy to me and asked if they should show my dead baby to me and I said no. I never knew I was carrying twin and whatever is the cause of the baby's death I didn't know was it when my sister's beat me up? Or when Kelvins mother and sister beat me up or when I was with that woman I didn't know but it would break my heart more if I see the baby it was a girl so I refused to see the baby. Kelvin was the only one that saw the baby. Later my new baby boy's name was registered bearing Kelvins. I was happy and felt free a little, Kelvin went home to make food for me that was how he was doing everyday until I was discharged I went home with him and our baby Kelvin junior. 

The next day his friends started visiting with their gifts and as usual it was only my sister Jane that visited. My elder sister eve made it easy for me to hate her. I had she was married now and lives with her husband I was happy for her. I had no one to nurse me as a woman that just put to bed luckily one of our neighbors an elderly woman always came in the morning to assist me and help me out I was so grateful to her when I was all nursed and my baby too was fine everything was back to normal so it seemed. But it seemed like Kelvin became so busy he was working so hard that I hardly saw him in the house,he would come back with gifts for our baby stay with me small and leave he was always away told me I shouldn't worry he was working on something I think he was trying to make enough money for us,money that will be enough for us to marry. I missed his presence but I tried to understand him,one day he packed his bag told me he was traveling with his friends but he will be back,left me with money. Tried coping with just me and the baby indeed it wasn't easy now I understand the pain of being a single mom,I was grateful I had Kelvin he will be back after awhile so I thought. But a week went by and Kelvin wasn't back and no phone call,I wished I had a phone that could help me connect with him but I didn't. I tried relaxing maybe what he traveled for was still keeping him but then another week passed and Kelvin wasn't back yet. I was becoming worried and scared didn't know who to ask or who to talk to his friends too were not around.  

On a Thursday after giving breast to my baby and he was sound asleep i decided to sleep to he kept me awake through out the night after all. In my sleep or what felt like trans I saw Kelvin and it felt like reality Kelvin came to me and told me he loved me and I should never forget that,I should take care of myself and our baby,I asked him why he was saying that with a sad look on his face he told me I should never give our baby to his mother no matter what and I shouldn't let our baby close to his mother,I asked him again why he was saying this he then told me he died for us,that for my sake he died for us I started crying I begged him to stop saying that I tried holding onto him but he went away with speed I jumped up from sleep I looked around Kelvin wasn't here I realized the crying I was having in the dream reflected even in reality. Not long someone knocked on the door,I was shivered and scared the knock continued I opened the door it was one of Kelvins friend he told me Kelvin was dead,that Kelvin was shot they had a business they went for then those other people started shooting the rest escaped but Kelvin was shot. The news crumbled me to the ground I didn't know if I should shout without talking tears started flowing uncontrollably from my eyes his friend came to hold me to console me but I kept crying I didn't want to mind if my baby was sleeping I was crying. Why me? Why will this happen to me?why will Kelvin leave me just like that? Which other business did he have to go for we were okay the way we were,we were managing fine. Kelvins friend was with me hours and left but I didn't stop crying my baby got up and started crying I gave my baby food but I was still crying. Kelvin was my happiness, Kelvin was my saviour,he gave me hope when I didn't have hope,he gave me a chance to be loved and desired,he respected me in spite of everything,he didn't look down on me, he loved me even more than my family could love me now he is gone. It was really hard on me I wasn't okay I was living in a shell I couldn't get over the fact Kelvin was gone. I loved that man and I wasn't opportune to say it often or show it. 2 weeks later I had a knock on my door I went to open the door it was Kelvins mother and one guy I didn't know she shouted as usual with her name calling and how I have succeeded in killing her son,she looked around the room and started carrying things she said belonged to her son she carried everything and wanted to carry the gas I bought with my money but I refused and told her I bought the gas after carrying everything she left. I heard of the day Kelvin was to be buried but I know I can't go there or be seen there I mourned him alone in the house. Weeks later I went with one of Kelvins friend to meet the person that gave Kelvin the keke as higher purchase,kelvi Kelvin only had a month to complete and would have had the tricycle all to himself the woman told me she sympathises with me and told me because she liked Kelvin I can have the tricycle myself I could give it to someone to ride for me I knew that wouldn't be easy so I begged the woman to just give me some money and have back her tricycle the woman felt for me and gave me some money enough to start a mini business so I left. I thanked Kelvins friend for going with me. That day I said I was going to go to my father's house if he likes let him send me away that day I packed I and my baby's things and carried everything I had, Kelvins friend helped me pack and dropped me in my father's house and left my sister Jane assisted me I saw my brother he was all grown too I saw my father he didn't send me away and I then saw another woman. My father remarried and I never knew it's all good it's his life as long as I and my baby has a place to sleep on. The woman too has a baby for my dad just how nice later I was well settled. In the house when I want to boil water for my baby or make food for my baby my father's wife will shout at me and ask if I provide anything in the house? Every day she does that a gas that belongs to my own mother now the woman is claiming possession of every property. I decided to start up a small business for myself that would help I started selling roadside gas with the money I got, my father's wife will always buy from me but never pays. My child started growing so I enrolled him in the same school with my little brother when my brother want to go to school he will wait to take my baby along the woman will shout at him and ask him why will he be waiting for my son?if I was the one training him in school? My brother will always reply her by saying the baby was his nephew and the woman will shout at him and he will leave. Because I didn't want a fight with my father's wife and I didn't want my brother to be maltreated I will ignore her and take my child to the school myself. I tried hard raising my son all by myself.

I was running out of baby food after I dropped my son in school I went to a mall close to his school after picking what I needed I went to the cashier to pay and of all people i could run into and of all days it was Daniel. I saw him and pretended not to see him he saw me and acted all excited tried hugging him I pushed him ,I tried making my payment and he insisted on paying for me I ignored him and packed my things to leave he paid and followed me behind. He was begging me to atleast talk to him so I stopped to listen to the rubbish he had to say.He went on apologizing to me for the way he treated me,and that he was back for good. I told him I had forgotten him long ago,he asked me if sincerely I was pregnant for him I told him I wasn't he asked me who I bought the baby things for I told him my father's wife he felt I was still angry and kept begging I just walked away from him. After that day the next day he came visiting in my house nobody was home it was just me, good thing my son was in school already he  begged me again that I should give him a chance again, and I should tell him the truth if I was really pregnant for him I was tired of going round so I told him yes,that I had a son for him he wanted to meet him I told him I would let him meet him when I was ready so he left. My sister came back,eve my sister was visiting when they heard what was happening they urged me to let my son's father meet with his son, I should allow my son get close to his dad and family so I will have time for myself and my son too will have a father. That was how I allowed Daniel meet his son and my son started going visiting to his father's house. Daniel's mother was nice and just when I thought that something could come out from meeting Daniel,just when I thought we might have a relationship I started seeing violent spirit in him. He was aggressive even to his mom so I withdrew I only allowed my son go stay with his people I visit them sometimes my son comes home to me but I allowed him stay there with them and as my boy was growing he became understanding and loving. sometimes when I visited I would just see him and will immediately want to go he will smile and tell me he knows I don't want his dad and grandma to see me,he will kiss me on the cheek and run inside. That boy was the reason I really wanted to work hard. I had to close the gas business I had on because nothing was coming out of it,my father's wife ran me dry I needed money for myself,for my son and I needed to go back to school and I needed to leave this house but their was no one I could ask for help and no one would help me if I asked. 

Their was this man in our neighborhood that always liked me and he had made advances at me severally I decided to go to him for help I asked him for little money I could use to register myself back in school he told me he would only help me if I would let him sleep with me. I left him and went about meeting the other men interested in me but they all said the same thing. I came home locked myself in the room and thought about my life the only man that was ever ready to help me without asking for anything in return was 6ft underground I had no one else to turn to for help. I needed education,I felt like I needed to live life,I'm not in a relationship after all I have known suffer only till now so I deserved to be spoilt. The next day I went back to the first man he had sex with me and gave me money enough money for school registration,I was so happy I went to the next man he gave me enough money I was more than okay. That was how I started sleeping around with men for money call it prostitution but the world was evil enough no one would help you for free. I started living my life that way and started losing my morals. As long as I was happy and comfortable as long as I wasn't doing bad to anybody I was justifying my actions. I got enough money moved out of the house enrolled myself in college for a 2years program I just needed certificate. Once in awhile I visited my son with gift I became comfortable. I even went as far as learning skills from my sister Jane who was a fashion designer and hair dresser but I have lost my morals I could have used the money I got from those men to set up business for myself but I lost it all didn't want to work. I have suffered enough, I went through hell now I'm seeing a little comfort I was all cried out I deserved to be happy. I felt the life I was in currently was happiness even my father who now is a father of two children usually calls me to beg me for money the same man that deserted me and never cared and his lousy wife now they are calling for help. I still helped not minding atleast I'm not the one that need their help now. I normally sent money to my brother too I know how it felt being alone and feeling like you don't have anyone I made sure to make my brother feel like he has someone. I wasn't in for love anymore since what every man wanted was sex any man that met me all they were interested in was sex so I give it to them and go with my money with no emotion.

 I was already satisfied with the fact that no man will truly love me atleast no man would love me the way Kelvin did I had already given up on love and removed my mind from the thought of ever falling in love with any man I believed every man just wanted me for sex and I was okay with that as long as I got my money. One day my friend Olivia was having a bad day,she was having a fight with her boyfriend so we went to the mall together where she was to meet her boyfriend they were talking and I just sat quietly pressing my phone. A young handsome guy walked to me, he didn't beat around the bush he just asked if I would give him my number he told me his name was Victor I told him I was ella,already in my mind I believed he was another guy that just wanted sex but atleast he was better looking than the men I have been having sex with for money so I gave him my number and he left with his friend another good looking man I wouldn't mind if the two of them wanted me for sex by turn. My friend was done with her boyfriend,now ex because they broke up more reason I wasn't even looking to fall in love with anyone. That day I went home expected the victor to call me but he didn't,weeks later a call came in my phone and it was Victor for some weird reason I was excited he called he invited me to his house and I got my self ready in a sexy attire after all it was sex he was calling me for. When I got to his house I looked around his house it was comfortable for a young guy his age. Not too big and not small too I sat in his living room while he was in the kitchen what he was doing there I didn't know I was waiting for him to tell me to come in let's have sex but surprisingly he came out with drinks and snacks he made himself. He served me, he engaged me in a conversation started asking me about myself to me it felt strange but I answered anyway before you know it I was deep in conversation with him,we talked and laughed that I didn't realize it was so late already I couldn't go so I had to sleep in his house he gave me his cloth to change into I had my bath and waited for him to still make move to have sex with me but he didn't. I slept comfortably in his room while he slept in the living room the next day I had my bath and he saw my off. I went home that day feeling all confused. I haven't felt like that in a very long time, I didn't understand the feeling no one has treated me that good since Kelvin left all they want to do is see me get undressed, have their way with me and pay me then leave. But this guy who I wouldn't even waste time to get undressed for, did not only just make me food he listened to me and made me laugh. When I got home he called to know how I was doing then he asked me to take care. After that he didn't bother calling me to come again, he chats me up once in awhile and I was desperately waiting for him to ask me to come over again but he didn't. On my own I called him and told him I was coming over, I came around as usual he was nice to me and didn't treat me any different again he didn't ask me for sex but this time I offered him sex. We had sex and I left,I started calling him wanting to know how he was doing and he cared about me too he advised me to start up a business so I will always have something for myself I told him my full story,ab about my son and he never judged me. He even gave me money to assist me in my business every time I would visit he wouldn't ask me but I would want to help him clean up and cook I was in love with him and I wanted him to love me back I didn't know I was acting desperate all my friends had either a boyfriend or a husband, My sister had a stable boyfriend the other was married so I wanted same for myself unknowingly I started pushing myself on him but he clearly told me he didn't want a relationship that we could be friends with benefits so I accepted. I would go to his house cook,clean and have sex with him. We would gist he would listen to me and advise on life matters without bias before me he would answer other girls calls and it usually tore my heart. His family always came around and they knew me his mom and brothers and they were always so nice to me so I felt it was a sign that they have accepted me.  

Unknowingly I was acting crazy and desperate because I wanted love from him when clearly he told me he didn't want a relationship. I would fight about him talking to other girls then apologize that I didn't mean it like that,I told him I was okay with us being friends with benefits but my heart was tearing apart. Just a little kindness he showed me I already felt he showed me the world how did I get here? I thought I was comfortable with men having sex with me for money now I started feeling like I wanted more. I tried hard to make victor look at only me but instead it made us fight, it only made him want to stay far from me that he thought I was okay with us being friends with benefits because I wanted him I will call and apologize that I was only being dramatic that I was okay with us being just friends that besides I didn't have time to fall in love with anybody. Then we went on again,stay staying around him he helped me develop myself I tried to stay focus in school and successfully I finished and finally gained my certificate my business was moving well too in difficult times he came through, his family were nice to me I felt like they were family too because of him I learnt to stop saying yes to men for sex. I wanted him to see me as a changed person and I wasn't going to act desperate again I was ready to keep acting as just his friends.

WHEN I LOST IT ALL 

     Life was going normal for me and I felt like I was losing feelings for victor I felt like I should really stick on just being his friend besides I had other things to worry about. I had my son to think of,I had my business to work on,I had myself to make happy I went back to feeling I was the only one that owed myself happiness I have gone through alot to know that. I went back to feeling no one gives you anything for free. My birthday was coming up I wasn't expecting anything from anyone I have never had my birthday celebrated the only woman that always made that day special for me was no more ever since she left my birthday was just like any other day for me. On my birthday I woke up and as usual there was no call from anybody to wish me a happy birthday or even text message I was getting dressed atleast I could go spend my day with the best gift I had I was planning to spend my day with my son the only joy that came from the pain I went through and the reason I keep fighting to be better. I was about to leave the house when a call from my sister Jane came in,I was wondering why she was calling and I was sure it wasn't to wish me a happy birthday but surprisingly to sang a birthday song for me and prayed for me.

 The only sister I loved by the way she then told me that we could hangout later in the evening that I could bring two of my friends that one got me surprised I asked her if she was going to sponsor the outing she told me not to worry that I should just get dressed and come out when it's time. For the first time after a very long time on my birthday I felt happy. For goodness sake I was feeling happy on my birthday I can't remember ever feeling this emotion on my birthday. With happiness I got dressed bought ice-cream and snacks and went to see my son. He ran towards me kissed me and sang a happy birthday song for me and gave me a card he made himself I was blessed to have him. I gave him what I bought for him stayed with him good thing his grandmother and father was not around I didn't have it in me to deal with his father and I didn't want my day to be spoilt. Hours later my sister called me to remind me what we planned for he evening she gave me an address, I went to my friends house Olivia her roommate Sarah was around too she was my friend as well. I told them my sister asked me to come o a club with two of my friends to celebrate my birthday I was still surprised my sister wanted to celebrate my birthday, all those years she didn't celebrate it for me what changed? I didn't want to think deep on it, it was my birthday after all the birthday that actually felt like it mattered so I stayed with the girls we visited as girls do and it killed time when it was time we left to the address given to me getting in their as always clubs are usually noisy and crowded I tried locating my sister brought out my phone to atleast call in the midst of the noise then I saw victor and his friends, I wondered what he was doing here to think he didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday don't friends with benefits atleast do that? Walking towards him I also saw my sister she stood up to hug me with a smile on her face I never knew she communicated with victor. I asked her how come she was here with victor she told me victor called her and asked her to tell me to come with my friends to celebrate my birthday. I had a look of shock and surprise I covered my mouth in a gasp. I couldn't believe it,just when I thought was actually my sister that planned this. Victor stood up smiling,he walked towards me kissed my cheek and hugged me and wished me happy birthday when I came back to earth I hugged him back and thanked him so we all sat down they brought lots of drinks for us on the table, and snacks he had the d.j play a song for me I had so much fun everybody was happy and victor paid for everything. I went home with my friends and they kept telling that my boyfriend is nice and he is so handsome they started asking me about his friends if they were single it felt nice that they actually thought he was my boyfriend how do I tell them he was just my friend,if I tell them that I know them they will definitely want to get close to him so I kept smiling all through.

 I went back to my house in my bed I couldn't sleep I kept tossing just when I thought I could live without him, just when I thought my feelings where gone he came with this again how will I not want this man in my life. I went to sleep the next day I called him to thank him I visited him as well and we went back to being friends with benefit. As usual he had other girls he talked with,he had other girls he gave attention to my heart tore apart each time he spent on the phone with them,my desperate self would ave wanted to call all those girls and scare them away but that would be going too far with everything I did to make him just see me. He kept telling me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship then he told me why all his last relationship the girls he dated hurt him without looking back they were never faithful to him and only came to him when they needed help he told me how the last girl he dated and did everything for,even paid for her apartment hurt him without remorse. The day he was meant to see her, he drove 300miles to her house but she wasn't there he waited for her only for her to be dropped off by her ex boyfriend when she came in she lied to him that the guy was driving by when he saw her and decided to drop her he didn't argue so she went to bath dropping her phone in the room a message came in and he saw it her ex thanking her for the sex,told her how incredible the sex was. He told me how shock and painful the message was to him he opened it and saw that it wasn't the first time they have had sex he discovered too it wasn't even just him when she came out and saw him she didn't even feel bad or remorseful atleast she could have started with an apology and the popular defensive line when caught in the act "it's not really what you think" but she didn't say anything and just stood their he left her that day entered his car and cried he drove all the way back and said he was done with relationship for now he wasn't ready for one.
 I tried convincing him that I will be different that I will stay faithful and love him he asked me to give it time that lets just see how it goes. But that didn't go well with me I wasn't okay with it,that day I went out and I needed money my business was not giving me much and I needed money so I went to meet a man who had sex with me and paid me, that same day victor called me I went to his house we wanted to have sex but he stopped and asked me if I had sex with any one I couldn't lie I told him yes,we were friends with benefit but I remember telling him I was done with that life he asked me why I told him I needed the money the money was big he asked me if we used protection I told him no, victor withdrew he couldn't have sex with me he told me to get myself treated first and advised me like he always did he asked me to invest the money in business and stop going around with men. To do that I started spending more time in victors house from their to my business place, then go see my son,back to his house I wasn't giving him space his family usually visited him too and I always made food for them I started feeling like victors wife in my head,any other girl that visited him I always gave them attitude and would want to make them feel uncomfortable,once victor shouted at me to call me to order but it only made me angry I started acting out on him too he would call me to order again but I didn't stop I think I started making him feel uncomfortable but I didn't care since he wouldn't take me serious out of anger I left his house he tried calling me back to speak to me but I declined I didn't pay attention to him. 

I ignored him but after a while I started missing him and wanted him so I started calling him but this time he never picked I called him severally and he didn't pick nor returned my call, it started driving me crazy I was flooding his inbox with text messages he read them all but never replied. It was really hard on me I started feeling sad no one to talk to I needed him I would cry myself to sleep will wake up the next day was anxious for him to call me back each time my phone rings I rush to check if he was the one but it wasn't him, I hear I message beep rush to check but still not him I was going down I had to go to his house to see him then he told me we can't do this anymore no more friends with benefits it would be best if we didn't see each other again he advised me to live right and be well I fell on the ground begged him with tears dropping down my cheek I held him but he was calm and kept telling me to stop crying that I will be fine I cried out my eyes but victor didn't change his mind after I was all cried out he saw me off and wished me well and left I stood on the road for hours thinking about my life I didn't enter a cab I took a walk instead finally I have succeeded in driving victor away if only I didn't act desperate and try to take things slow,if I had taken things slow we might have ended up as a couple. I wasn't sure I would meet a man like victor again but if I ever did I would be sure to take it slow and not push the man away I know have seen life I have gone through a lot and am all cried out I can't let the pain I have experienced determine my life for me,I can't let what I have been through be the definition of how I live my life,I can't ignore my morals because of it. It took me weeks to get over victor but I was okay,I was living my life and I was done with my old life I only worked to better my life and only hoped for the best.