I was quite pleased that I had also survived the Egyptian equivalent of “Delhi Belly” by only eating food that had been thoroughly cooked and drinking bottled water. It became a source of amusement to see some of my fellow cruisers retreat to their cabins for a day or two after eating cold salads.

So there I was, two days before final disembarkation, lunching on curried camel (not really) swilled down with a bottle of Aquafina. Studying the desserts, I circumvented some strange looking jellied offerings and settled on a rosy red apple. After five minutes vigorously polishing it with a paper napkin I began munching. It tasted as good as it looked. When I was almost down to the core I noticed a guy sitting nearby who also had an apple in hand. But he was peeling his. I immediately knew I was in trouble. I had forgotten one of the cardinal rules for travelers to these parts. Always peel fruit. My apple had probably been dunked in the Nile and had bacteria crawling all over it

Back in my cabin I lay and waited and sure enough, after a couple of stomach gurgling hours I started my long days journey into night sitting on the toilet. By noon the following day I felt like a piece of chewed rag and my poop had turned to water. Where was Louis Pasteur when I needed him? I spent the rest of the day flat on my back knowing that if I moved a muscle I’d be back on the toilet.

The next day was worse. The end of the cruise and a four hour coach journey back to Luxor airport. And the coach didn’t have a toilet. I sat rigid, hoping that the rough roads and  moving occasionally to sip from a bottle of Aquafina was not going to result in me getting thrown off the coach.

I made it back to the airport with my dignity intact and as I sat in the departure lounge I started to feel a little better to the point where I managed to keep down a can of orange juice.

Luxor airport is not the best place to be for someone feeing like death warmed up so I was relieved when I finally got to my seat on the plane. Unfortunately, remission was only temporary. The starting of the engines, the taxiing, the hurtling down the runway and the take off were  shocks to my delicate system. I needed the toilet desperately but they were occupied fore and aft. Having  waited for what seemed like an hour but was really only a few minutes, I saw a green light, took my chance, ran and got there, thwarting an elderly lady by seconds. 

Then my troubles really started. While sitting on the toilet pooping water, I started to throw up in the sink. I couldn’t figure out where all those diced carrots had come from. I hadn’t eaten anything for a couple of days. The sink was blocked up. I panicked, grabbed a handful of paper towels, scooped up a lot of mess and deposited it in the toilet bowl. The sink was still blocked but now so was the toilet bowl and still I was pooping water

I had now been in the toilet for about half an hour and people started rattling the door while water and vomit were coming out of me simultaneously and doing more blocking. After a further 15 or 20 minutes of liquid passing and door rattling, my system started to calm down a little. So I adjusted my dress unlocked the door and ventured out.

There must have been about 20 people in waiting in line, most of them being from the cruise. There was a lot of muttering and someone said “Oh it’s him”. A flight attendant was nearby. “ There’s something wrong with that toilet “ I said “It’s all blocked up”

I made my way back to my seat. A little while later came a voice over the PA. “Would passengers please refrain from flushing paper towels down the toilet. The cubicle next to the kitchen area is unfortunately out of action due to misuse”

“Ah well” I thought. “Whoever has the job of fixing that won’t be in a bigger mess than I’m in right now”

After landing at Heathrow and going through the usual airport procedures, I sat waiting for my sister in law to pick me up. I must have looked a miserable forlorn figure sitting there, as several passers by shot me some curious glances and I was asked  by someone selling The Big Issue if I had somewhere to stay for the night.

It took me about a week of medication after a doctor’s visit to get back to something like normal. When I started pooping solids I couldn’t have been more pleased if I had won the lottery.

That was my first trip to Egypt and it will be my last. And since then no matter where I am, I always peel my apples.

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