I Am An Aquarian Deal With It Love Hurts But We Keep On Tryinng Tatenda Alex Chirambira   © Copyright 2022 by Tatebda Alex Chirambira

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

I cannot anymore, its not your fault but I am just not in the right place right now.....

In my entire life I have never been more eager to end a conversation with anyone but at that certain point I felt that the 8 second mark on my screen signified that maybe I had made a wrong judgment call...(if you can put a pin to this)

We met in college, me a wide eyed freshman who for the first time in their life have been offered an opportunity to grow into a productive member of the society and her a woman. Already the playing field had been tipped in a certain favor just that being a man I am inclined to being a naive, idiotic but most of all a confident bag of macho ego that can be easily deflated by a few words (Yes people words either deflate or inflates us but the simple fact that women can either build one or destroy is one that most men are not able to successfully understand).

Growing up hearing stories about how people committed suicide because of relationships I always thought of them as cowards, that was not until I had my own heart broken. Have you ever loved someone so much that when you loose them at first you pretend to be okay, you act as if everything is fine and the world will continue moving forward. I was never in the fast lane nor was I in the slow lane but I was in between, everything seemed to be okay till it then sunk in.

I remembered the first time I saw her on campus, she wasn't fake like the rest, no make up, no weave just her radiant ebony skin and natural hair. I remember telling a friend that maybe I had found the one and them laughing in my face for my choice but in all honest truth I was smitten I had fallen and I wasn't even prepared for what awaited me in the distant future at that time. I remember seeing her then and that being the last I ever saw her till, my same friend who laughed at my choice would not only humiliate me by asking her out and on top of that want to borrow my room keys so as to invite her to my room to sleep with her. There and then that pain resonated within the deepest parts of my heart but I felt as if the phrase "you sleep you loose" better described my situation and I was quick to accept that I had lost out and I had to accept fate's wretched play.

Weeks on end would become months and they inturn would be two three years till one fateful night whilst making my way back to campus one evening I bumped into her in town. Right there and then it felt like our first year encounter the one time I had failed to muster enough courage to ask for her number; this time around well I had nothing really to loose she was the " THE ONE". For once in my young adult life I was actually making myself proud for taking an initiative. Having been never to be the one for straight up confrontations, in most cases I would have shyed away from this situations head on but on seeing her again I felt as if my fears where a thing of the past and it felt as if a fresh breath had been blown under my wings and not any time soon was I going to fall from the skies. (Maybe that should have been the sign that i was Icarus and i was at some point going to burn my wings.)

I didn't waste time this time around, I began wooing her and finally she agreed to just one ice cream and I remember how on that Sunday I failed to eat anything for I was nervous and i didn't know what to wear because for me it felt as if maybe it was my audition and I only had one chance to impress Simon Cowell, well in this case she was my Simon and I was that one nervous kid looking to get the golden ticket from the first attempt. Somehow it felt like maybe I was trying to impress the scouts on that one single play with seconds left on the clock. What shocked me the most was how my fears at that time I would learn where hers also but unbeknownst to her for me a lot was riding on this for in her I saw my future Mrs Me. As God's will would have it we both enjoyed an honest first date in a long time, (for me luck in relationships hasn't been that kind, i guess you could say cupid has not been that much kind to me for i have had the unfortunate luck of meeting the most incompatible of partners.) Not that I have bad reviews of my ex's before her but its basically because of the past relationships before her, we just did not work out from conversations, interest and even humor. With this one everything seemed to click, from inside jokes to even the silliest of street gossips it was that of people who were made for each other as so did I think.

I remember telling her that I had fallen for her the day she told me of her last relationship and her biggest fear. It might sound cliche' but she was half way through her story when suddenly out of the blue I muttered to her that I loved her and she looked me straight and the eye speechless and what I did next even shocked her. You see as she wanted to ask what was happening I just took her hand and repeated myself, she was silent for a few minutes and then i saw her eyes getting watery. Had I known that her last relationship was a still birth and a disappearing baby daddy, her family at some point had abandoned her (the trend of most african families when their daughter falls pregnant and the man responsible decides not to be part of the picture).

I remember telling her that if it was a test or some way of pushing me away she had failed for in all honest and truth I really fell more deep in love with her and I was willing to be there for her. I felt that her fear was because she had never been loved and I felt that it was my prerogative to love her and be there for her. ( to some extent maybe in her chapter i was the one who had to love her till she was healed).

Time would fly by since that day but i would not get an I love you back from her, though for me I felt as if didn't have to hear it say it for in my love for her I was okay loving her for she did not have to tell me that she loved me. In as much as people always say that you can only feel comfortable in a relationship as long as both of you have told each other that you loved each other I felt as if maybe my love for her was what we both needed and for some time I felt that my love was enough to make everything last till the day one of us was laid to rest six feet under (for some reason i have always felt that i would be the one going in and her being the widow who had lost her partner).

This woman had me strung into her chords, she was the conductor and i was that one fan at the concert who was just in awe of the strumming of her hands, and how they moved in unison without any effort, her effortlessly movement. I was whipped, off the little I had she took and and off everything I gave she splunged.

They say when you fall, you fall had I guess i fell harder. Had I known that would be my death then I woukd have played the trumpets much less and focused on healing myself, way before because from the last she said to me she not only killed me because I was vulnerable with her, and I felt numb when I heard the broken record playing

' its not you its me, I need to figure out what I want' .......

She broke up with me over the telephone with the oldest line in the book (ego killer of all man and woman alike). I am an aquarius and we have that side of us that hopelessly falls and gives all problem is we do not learn I guess but hey If Ted Mosby didn't give up why should my sturborn factual personna give up.....

Tatenda was born on the February 15th of 1992 in Zimbabwe graduated with a  B.A in Development Studies. Has a passion for creating helping and assisting the less fortunate and in the mean times offers advice and life tips on dealing with heartbreaks, relationships and career guidance. Believes that sometimes the best scars are healed by sharing and being open.