Scot Walker--A Note To My Old Man

A Note To My Old Man

Part Two in A History of the World

Click here for Part One

Dedicated to my high school Latin teacher: Viola Koonce

Scot Walker

Painting by Vincenzo Camuccini: The Death of Julius Caesar at Wikimedia Commons.

Written on an Etruscan vase and discovered along the shores of the Rubicon.

My dearest Jude, I’ve heard rumors of what the people are saying. . .but I’ve shunned their murmurs. . . avoided their fetid breath and even tried to stop gazing at the young warriors.

I’m writing to you, dearest, to warn you that the people think you, like Hannibal, plan to cross the Rubicon with elephants! Elephants for Minerva’s sakes, where did you find elephants? Elephants do not grow on trees, you know.

My sweetheart, perhaps you have no elephants—perhaps they exist only in your silly head—or in the heads of those who have been brain-washed with your orations and victories and glories. But. . . if you do have elephants—please remember we already cast all our peanuts before the plebians during the last monkey parade in the Colosseum. . . but I am distracted, my love. This is not why I wrote. I am writing because I had a dream last night and all I remember was the haunting word: “Beware!” All the rest was mumbled and jumbled and rumbled and turned into smoke and blew away.

But, my dear husband, please, I fear you are in danger, so by Apollo, go back for the elephants and I shall buy more peanuts and be waiting for you in the top tier at the Circus Maximus, seat CLV on the XV of March.

The Ides of March, my love, the Ides of March; no one in the world will ever remember that date, but you must, my dear. I shall be waiting in the Circus Maximus with XXII elephants and CDXCLLV libra of peanuts—still in their shells—but roasted and salted—and my goodness, my dearest, get home soon before I consume them all and your precious elephants starve their ivory tusks off.

And, my sweetheart, my love, take the Via Apian around the Alps—it’s longer but safer—and you can find an easy route for Valerius, yes, I know it’s silly for me to name an elephant after your nephew—but they both have big ears and I couldn’t resist.

Your adoring wife, covering you with CCXL kisses, and tossing MMDLLX peanuts before your ravaged elephants

Calpurnia.

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