Return of the Wooly Mammoth

Robert P. Herbst

© Copyright 2005 by Robert P. Herbst


In an effort to keep Mount Perry, Florida, historically accurate, Dr. Gene Splicer, eminent doctor of genetics at the world famous Mount Perry Institute Of Genetic Science, has taken on the task of reintroducing the long extinct Wooly Mammoth to the swamps around Mount Perry.

This is by no means a task to be taken lightly as to date there are no samples of the tissue if the Florida Wooly Mammoth, as there are in Siberia, for our learned doctor splicer to look at. All we have here in Florida are bones.

Where the color and length of the mammoth's hair are concerned, Dr. Splicer is on his own. To this end, Dr. Splicer has examined the local animal populations of Florida in search of an animal with hair which seems comfortable in the Florida heat and humidity. Many animals having the desired characteristics have been considered.

In the end, the common house cat was chosen for it's hair and the multi color of it, to be precise, the Persian Long Haired Classic House Cat. The question now became , how to cross the house cat with an African Elephant' Getting a female house cat to stand still for a cross mating with an elephant was a miserable failure. A male house cat trying to mate with a female elephant was also doomed to failure.

The entire scientific community at the institute was called on for ideas on how to combine the two species. The scientists retired to a special "Think Tank", where no one would bother them as they plotted a way to cross the two species. One day as Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, was cleaning up the empty coffee cups, happened to ask, "why don't you just get some sperm from a male elephant and artificially inseminate the cat'"

Astounded and impressed by Yodar's idea, a male elephant was quickly found and after several hours of squabbling, a volunteer was selected to collect the sperm from the male elephant. The elephant wasn't to sure it wanted to go along with this idea. As the volunteer pool shrank, Yodar finally stepped forward with a cup and said he'd gotten the sperm for them. The surviving scientists were very impressed.

A suitable female cat was found and inseminated. It was a terribly unfortunate situation as the poor cat tried to carry and give birth to six wooly mammoth/cat hybrids. After this first dismal failure it was decided to get some cat sperm from a local show cat breeder and inseminate a female elephant. This situation was found to work much better and the wooly mammoth gave birth to six wooly mammoth, ' kittens'

Naturally, Dr. Gene Splicer was called on to alter the DNA to the point where the two creatures could be mixed along with a few other ideas Dr. Splicer wanted to try. There were some monkey and sheep genes mixed in to give the creatures a harvest able fur coat, provided shearers can be found.

As the creatures grew they took on the characteristics of each of the animals. The resulting critter had a lone prehensile trunk like an elephant, extending out from a mouth sporting fangs like a Smiledon. The face resembled an elephant except for the hair, eyes and hair. The eyes were indeed cat's eyes and the creature seemed to prefer to prowl at night.

The hair was indeed long and quite colorful over the entire creature except the trunk. The tail was long like a cat's tale, but also prehensile. The fur did indeed grow long and curly like a sheep's wool. but finding someone to harvest it has prooved difficult.

The new creature was able to swing through the trees like a monkey and snatch it's food up from the forest floor, much to the surprise of the local alligator and snake population. Once having captured it's prey, the creature would hang by it's tail and gobble up the luckless creature holding it with it's trunk and frontal cat's claws.

Having cats claws on all four feet enabled the creature to climb trees quickly. Attempts at containment of the new creature was ineffective and the new mother had to chase it's ---- kittens, from the forest floor hoping they would come down from the trees and within reach of her trunk.

The new creature seems to be a carnivores even though the mother did manage to teach her kittens to eat their vegetables on occasion. It was quite obvious, right from the start, the Florida Alligator is no longer at the top of the food chain. Poisonous snakes seem to be a delicacy to the new creature and it eats them like strands of spaghetti.

The occasional tourist seems to agree with the new creature. However, in these extreme cases the tourist is expected to have a paid up ticket allowing them access to the areas the new creatures are known to frequent. Those tourists without tickets may face charges in our court system by our fair and impartial Mount Perry Judges, should they be apprehended either before or after their consumption.

The new creatures are about the size of an elephant and finding trees strong enough to support their weight seems to be giving the new animals some minor problems, this is expected to resolve itself as the weaker branches break under their weight.

Breeding in the wild is expected to continue to be true as there are no house cats or elephants hanging about anywhere near these new critters. Although they trumpet like wild elephants it comes out like a very loud "Meow". A huge litter box has been provided out in the swamps and a man with a back hoe and gas mask has volunteered to keep it clean.

As the number of these new creatures increases, the population will spread out and finally repopulate all of Florida with a new Wooly Mammoth. Dr. Splicer is expected to be featured at a dinner given in his honor, by the tourist trade industry. Dr Splicer doesn't know this yet but he will be the only guest and he will be chained to a tree, provided he can be found.

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