Copyright 2020 by Pavithra Silva
to the most churlish episode of my life’s expedition, which
knocked me out at a younger age than I expected. So, particularly my
autobiography does not present a person overridden with
self-confidence or life’s ecstasy but merely a sentimental
human being trying to communicate the tragedy of her life, so as to
inspire all readers of this story to evade all sentient and
insentient mistakes I committed, by simply not being true to myself
and by not being genuine with others. Specifically, readers will
discover the one and only action that contains the power of
dispelling darkness from one’s life. By all the lessons I
learned out of my tragedy, currently my aim is to dispel the darkness
in my life by dispelling it from others. Thereby, read my story
expecting the churlish reality of a real human being, that will add
something to your life. Do not dive in expecting a fairy tale happy
understand that in the essence of humanity, most readers will be
sympathetic of my sorrows, while some might disregard my emotions as
a girlish cliché. However, rather than sympathy or disregard;
I sincerely hope that you will cherish the lesson learned from my
romantic journey and ensure that you live life with no irreversible
was in 8th grade when I first fell in love. Sam
brother of my mother’s best friend. You must think that he has
to be much older than me, but no, he was just 3 years older. I still
cannot put into words as to how or why I fell in love with this guy.
Once in a while he came to my house to bring something by. He never
came into my house, but I always heard his voice outside the door. I
was charmed by that voice and that was far as it went, for a while.
in 2008 I met the owner of this charming voice for the very first
time at some wedding. For my surprise, he came and talked to me in a
blissful way. If there is something called ‘love at first
sight’; this was it. I fell for him instantly. I did not want
him to stop talking to me. He smiled from his eyes and he was
extremely handsome. I waited until I came home late that night to
evaluate on why an electric shock ran down my spine when he started
talking to me. I thought to myself that this might be what people
called love. After this day, my only purpose in life was to meet him
again. I really did not have any way that I could make that happen.
So, I thought that it was worth to at least catch a glimpse of him
every now and then, even though I did not meet him. With this in my
mind, every time I had a chance to go out, I always bent a way to go
nearly one year of mere glimpses, I felt like I had no chance with
him because I could not meet him at least once. So, I relied on the
judgements of the whole world and thought that an 8th
grader could not fall in love, but my love was only a
misinterpretation of attraction and that I will just forget him over
time. This did not quite work out as I had hoped.
I got invited to a party to where I knew he was coming. I decided to
give myself one more chance to make him fall in love with me. I knew
that I would never have the confidence to ask him out or anything.
So, I dolled up to my level best and went to the party, hoping to get
his attention and there he was with his new girlfriend. It is hard to
explain how I felt. Tears rolled out of my eyes and I felt sick. I
left that party immediately.
pain was deadly. How can one lose something that they never had? But
bizarre as it is, true love owns your heart from the very first
moment until forever. The weird part was that even though I never
tried to reach him again and only met him rarely by accident, I could
not take him off my mind. I acted like it was all ok. I started
relationships with several other guys, hoping to move on, but none of
those worked out because I could not get Sam’s breathtaking
smile off of my mind. It was nearly 7 years later; I was still in
love with him. I felt like if he was the only one for me. I met him
only 3 times for the last 7 years but I could not reset my life to a
point where I was free of him.
around this time, I met another guy that I felt like I had a real
connection with. Alex and I became best friends and lovers. Our
relationship was the easiest. We were always comfortable with each
other. He loved me with or without makeup, he loved me despite I was
fat or slim. This was just perfect. But the harsh truth was there
being no butterflies in this relationship. I was all comfy, but I did
not feel like my heart was longing to be with him.
was an unresolved dilemma. I could not breakup with Alex because I
was too afraid to lose my best friend, but Sam was the one I wanted
to be with. Even though this problem was always on my mind, I tried
to forget that and enjoyed Alex’s company.
was nearly 1 year into dating Alex, when I was invited to a wedding
that changed my life. I went to this wedding with some of my friends
and met Sam after a very long time. He came to me and we talked for a
little while. The electric shock that went running down my spine
before 8 years was still the same.
when I was walking towards the buffet, Sam suddenly came to me,
grabbed my hand and walked into the hotel lobby where we were alone.
He tightly held me against the wall, ran his hands through my hair
and said, “I love you so much that I cannot keep it hiding
anymore”. I was looking at his shining eyes and had the
strongest urge to tell that I loved him from the day I met him and
this was my dream come true, but I was out of words. I barely could
breath and felt too guilty by suddenly remembering Alex. This was
when he pressed his sweet lips on mine and fireworks went on for a
second there and his kiss felt so much better than the billions of
times, I imagined it in my mind. But everything went wrong at this
moment. I felt too guilty for kissing him back, I pushed him away and
ran out the lobby and went home immediately.
cried my eyes out all along that night and meanwhile tried to get the
grasp of that sweetest moment of my whole life again and again. I did
not know what to do. I wanted him for 8 years, but I could not I tell
him that I loved him, while my heart was screaming that out loud.
kept my phone off for another two days as I could not make up my mind
to talk to Alex and I stayed in bed. Every time I opened my eyes from
sleep, I hoped that all these sorrows were gone. Finally, I got up
from bed and decided to confess my love for Sam and to explain Alex
all about this. It seemed like sooner or later Alex was meant to get
hurt because of me. This thought gave me a strong headache and felt
like my head was going to explode. I felt like I am the worst person
in the world and that I did not deserve neither Sam nor Alex.
went to see Alex the next day. I nearly felt like killing myself when
I saw how worried Alex was because I did not return his calls or
texts. However, I decided that I had to do this no matter what. I
explained Alex all about Sam and what happened along these 8 years.
Alex did not speak a word. He kept staring at me for a while and then
acted like he was trying to find something on the floor, until he
finally found something to tell me.
looked at me sharply with mixed emotions and said, “I never
thought I would ever have to be in a situation like this. It feels
like I am losing my girlfriend and also my best friend, who should be
the person that I go for comfort at a time like this. I don’t
know how to deal with this. I don’t blame you, but I think it’s
time for us to part ways.”
rolled out of my eyes. I looked at Alex for the last time and said,
“Goodbye Alex. You’re the last person I wanted to hurt.
I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t expect from you to
forgive me, but always remember that your best friend will always be
just a phone call away.” He did not say anything back. I
stepped out of his house. I was on the road all by myself. Even
though I was longing to tell Sam that I loved him, I felt like it was
too much for the day. I could not handle that kind of pain and
happiness at the same time. So, I went home.
after a week of sulking alone, on the 7th May
collected all the strength I wanted and was on my way to Sam’s
place. The taxi was heading towards Sam’s address when suddenly
the driver pushed the brakes hard. In a split second, I witnessed how
a lorry hit a biker hard. I called emergency services fast and ran to
help. The biker was lying on a puddle of his blood. I knelt next to
the injured biker and that is when I witnessed the pain-ridden face
of unconscious Sam. My head started spinning and my heart was going
to explode. I felt like I could not control myself. I burst into
tears and kissed his blood-soaked body repeatedly.
ambulance arrived and a doctor checked his pulse while I tightly held
on to his arm. Then, the doctor told those three words that wakes me
up in the middle of the night even after 3 years. The doctor said,
“He is dead”. I cannot clearly remember what happened to
me at the moment. I think I screamed like I was going insane and held
on to Sam’s arm saying “Please don’t take him away
from me. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him all this time and
when I’m finally here, he’s gone.”
Sam’s death, I was in a
vulnerable place. I had no method whatsoever to understand what was
happening around me or to understand my next damn move to keep
surviving. I came to my senses after a week and had no idea what
happened all through that week.
I went to Sam’s grave by myself and expressed my love for him
word by word and apologized him repeatedly for not doing this before.
I was given the due punishment for my mistakes. Love is something to
be handled with extreme care and I know it now more than ever.
is one thing that I realized after all this. No one should ever
procrastinate on revealing their true feelings about someone.
Everyone should genuinely reveal their feelings, at the very second
it occurs; be it love or hate. Being true to yourself and being
genuine with everyone else at all times; is the easiest mode for
accomplishing real happiness and liberation of the soul. Clandestine
truth will only leave you with regret.
I learned that there is only one person in the world that you could
love unconditionally. That is the birth of the word ‘soulmate’.
The rest of them are just trickeries of fate and sexual attraction.
One has to prove worthy, to deserve the love of their soulmate.
story ended tragically. I did not deserve Sam’s love. I am
going to cherish my Sam forever in my heart and live my life on my
own, trying to be worthy of him even if he is not here. My only hope
is that anyone and everyone who reads my story will show their love
to the one they love, “right now”. Let love win. Do not
let your ego and your churlish fate win.
am Pavithra Silva from Sri Lanka. I am 23 years old. I am a graduate
of BSc (Hons) Business Management from Cardiff Metropolitan
University, United Kingdom. Currently, I am reading for my Master’s
degree and managing my own business.
am heavily interested and invested in all kinds of writing; including
creative and academic writing. I’ve been pursuing writing in
various genres from a long while but never had the chance to show my
skills as a published writer. But, being kind of a loner, most of my
free time is spent on writing and reading. My reading pertains to
reading book of different authors as well as of reading my own work.
Thereby, the best feature about my writing is that I read my
writings and ensures that they’re interesting reading materials
to me. So, now it is time to check whether my writing is acceptable
to other respectable readers as well or whether I have set the bar
of the message
won't know where to send it.)
Preservation Foundation, Inc., A Nonprofit Book Publisher