Churlish Fate

Pavithra Silva

© Copyright 2020 by Pavithra Silva

Photo of a sunset.  (c) 2002 by Richard Loller.

Welcome to the most churlish episode of my life’s expedition, which knocked me out at a younger age than I expected. So, particularly my autobiography does not present a person overridden with self-confidence or life’s ecstasy but merely a sentimental human being trying to communicate the tragedy of her life, so as to inspire all readers of this story to evade all sentient and insentient mistakes I committed, by simply not being true to myself and by not being genuine with others. Specifically, readers will discover the one and only action that contains the power of dispelling darkness from one’s life. By all the lessons I learned out of my tragedy, currently my aim is to dispel the darkness in my life by dispelling it from others. Thereby, read my story expecting the churlish reality of a real human being, that will add something to your life. Do not dive in expecting a fairy tale happy ending.

I understand that in the essence of humanity, most readers will be sympathetic of my sorrows, while some might disregard my emotions as a girlish cliché. However, rather than sympathy or disregard; I sincerely hope that you will cherish the lesson learned from my romantic journey and ensure that you live life with no irreversible regrets.

I was in 8th grade when I first fell in love. Sam was the brother of my mother’s best friend. You must think that he has to be much older than me, but no, he was just 3 years older. I still cannot put into words as to how or why I fell in love with this guy. Once in a while he came to my house to bring something by. He never came into my house, but I always heard his voice outside the door. I was charmed by that voice and that was far as it went, for a while.

However, in 2008 I met the owner of this charming voice for the very first time at some wedding. For my surprise, he came and talked to me in a blissful way. If there is something called ‘love at first sight’; this was it. I fell for him instantly. I did not want him to stop talking to me. He smiled from his eyes and he was extremely handsome. I waited until I came home late that night to evaluate on why an electric shock ran down my spine when he started talking to me. I thought to myself that this might be what people called love. After this day, my only purpose in life was to meet him again. I really did not have any way that I could make that happen. So, I thought that it was worth to at least catch a glimpse of him every now and then, even though I did not meet him. With this in my mind, every time I had a chance to go out, I always bent a way to go by house.

After nearly one year of mere glimpses, I felt like I had no chance with him because I could not meet him at least once. So, I relied on the judgements of the whole world and thought that an 8th grader could not fall in love, but my love was only a misinterpretation of attraction and that I will just forget him over time. This did not quite work out as I had hoped.

Unexpectedly, I got invited to a party to where I knew he was coming. I decided to give myself one more chance to make him fall in love with me. I knew that I would never have the confidence to ask him out or anything. So, I dolled up to my level best and went to the party, hoping to get his attention and there he was with his new girlfriend. It is hard to explain how I felt. Tears rolled out of my eyes and I felt sick. I left that party immediately.

My pain was deadly. How can one lose something that they never had? But bizarre as it is, true love owns your heart from the very first moment until forever. The weird part was that even though I never tried to reach him again and only met him rarely by accident, I could not take him off my mind. I acted like it was all ok. I started relationships with several other guys, hoping to move on, but none of those worked out because I could not get Sam’s breathtaking smile off of my mind. It was nearly 7 years later; I was still in love with him. I felt like if he was the only one for me. I met him only 3 times for the last 7 years but I could not reset my life to a point where I was free of him.

Anyhow, around this time, I met another guy that I felt like I had a real connection with. Alex and I became best friends and lovers. Our relationship was the easiest. We were always comfortable with each other. He loved me with or without makeup, he loved me despite I was fat or slim. This was just perfect. But the harsh truth was there being no butterflies in this relationship. I was all comfy, but I did not feel like my heart was longing to be with him.

This was an unresolved dilemma. I could not breakup with Alex because I was too afraid to lose my best friend, but Sam was the one I wanted to be with. Even though this problem was always on my mind, I tried to forget that and enjoyed Alex’s company.

It was nearly 1 year into dating Alex, when I was invited to a wedding that changed my life. I went to this wedding with some of my friends and met Sam after a very long time. He came to me and we talked for a little while. The electric shock that went running down my spine before 8 years was still the same.

Later when I was walking towards the buffet, Sam suddenly came to me, grabbed my hand and walked into the hotel lobby where we were alone. He tightly held me against the wall, ran his hands through my hair and said, “I love you so much that I cannot keep it hiding anymore”. I was looking at his shining eyes and had the strongest urge to tell that I loved him from the day I met him and this was my dream come true, but I was out of words. I barely could breath and felt too guilty by suddenly remembering Alex. This was when he pressed his sweet lips on mine and fireworks went on for a second there and his kiss felt so much better than the billions of times, I imagined it in my mind. But everything went wrong at this moment. I felt too guilty for kissing him back, I pushed him away and ran out the lobby and went home immediately.

I cried my eyes out all along that night and meanwhile tried to get the grasp of that sweetest moment of my whole life again and again. I did not know what to do. I wanted him for 8 years, but I could not I tell him that I loved him, while my heart was screaming that out loud.

I kept my phone off for another two days as I could not make up my mind to talk to Alex and I stayed in bed. Every time I opened my eyes from sleep, I hoped that all these sorrows were gone. Finally, I got up from bed and decided to confess my love for Sam and to explain Alex all about this. It seemed like sooner or later Alex was meant to get hurt because of me. This thought gave me a strong headache and felt like my head was going to explode. I felt like I am the worst person in the world and that I did not deserve neither Sam nor Alex.

I went to see Alex the next day. I nearly felt like killing myself when I saw how worried Alex was because I did not return his calls or texts. However, I decided that I had to do this no matter what. I explained Alex all about Sam and what happened along these 8 years. Alex did not speak a word. He kept staring at me for a while and then acted like he was trying to find something on the floor, until he finally found something to tell me.

He looked at me sharply with mixed emotions and said, “I never thought I would ever have to be in a situation like this. It feels like I am losing my girlfriend and also my best friend, who should be the person that I go for comfort at a time like this. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t blame you, but I think it’s time for us to part ways.”

Tears rolled out of my eyes. I looked at Alex for the last time and said, “Goodbye Alex. You’re the last person I wanted to hurt. I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t expect from you to forgive me, but always remember that your best friend will always be just a phone call away.” He did not say anything back. I stepped out of his house. I was on the road all by myself. Even though I was longing to tell Sam that I loved him, I felt like it was too much for the day. I could not handle that kind of pain and happiness at the same time. So, I went home.

About after a week of sulking alone, on the 7th May 2016, I collected all the strength I wanted and was on my way to Sam’s place. The taxi was heading towards Sam’s address when suddenly the driver pushed the brakes hard. In a split second, I witnessed how a lorry hit a biker hard. I called emergency services fast and ran to help. The biker was lying on a puddle of his blood. I knelt next to the injured biker and that is when I witnessed the pain-ridden face of unconscious Sam. My head started spinning and my heart was going to explode. I felt like I could not control myself. I burst into tears and kissed his blood-soaked body repeatedly.

The ambulance arrived and a doctor checked his pulse while I tightly held on to his arm. Then, the doctor told those three words that wakes me up in the middle of the night even after 3 years. The doctor said, “He is dead”. I cannot clearly remember what happened to me at the moment. I think I screamed like I was going insane and held on to Sam’s arm saying “Please don’t take him away from me. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him all this time and when I’m finally here, he’s gone.”

After Sam’s death, I was in a very vulnerable place. I had no method whatsoever to understand what was happening around me or to understand my next damn move to keep surviving. I came to my senses after a week and had no idea what happened all through that week.

Then I went to Sam’s grave by myself and expressed my love for him word by word and apologized him repeatedly for not doing this before. I was given the due punishment for my mistakes. Love is something to be handled with extreme care and I know it now more than ever.

There is one thing that I realized after all this. No one should ever procrastinate on revealing their true feelings about someone. Everyone should genuinely reveal their feelings, at the very second it occurs; be it love or hate. Being true to yourself and being genuine with everyone else at all times; is the easiest mode for accomplishing real happiness and liberation of the soul. Clandestine truth will only leave you with regret.

Moreover, I learned that there is only one person in the world that you could love unconditionally. That is the birth of the word ‘soulmate’. The rest of them are just trickeries of fate and sexual attraction. One has to prove worthy, to deserve the love of their soulmate.

My story ended tragically. I did not deserve Sam’s love. I am going to cherish my Sam forever in my heart and live my life on my own, trying to be worthy of him even if he is not here. My only hope is that anyone and everyone who reads my story will show their love to the one they love, “right now”.  Let love win. Do not let your ego and your churlish fate win.

I am Pavithra Silva from Sri Lanka. I am 23 years old. I am a graduate of BSc (Hons) Business Management from Cardiff Metropolitan University, United Kingdom. Currently, I am reading for my Master’s degree and managing my own business.

I am heavily interested and invested in all kinds of writing; including creative and academic writing. I’ve been pursuing writing in various genres from a long while but never had the chance to show my skills as a published writer. But, being kind of a loner, most of my free time is spent on writing and reading. My reading pertains to reading book of different authors as well as of reading my own work. Thereby, the best feature about my writing is that I read my writings and ensures that they’re interesting reading materials to me. So, now it is time to check whether my writing is acceptable to other respectable readers as well or whether I have set the bar too low.

Contact Pavithra

(Unless you type the author's name
in the subject line of the message
we won't know where to send it.)

Book Case

Home Page

The Preservation Foundation, Inc., A Nonprofit Book Publisher