Destinations
Lori Hilton Brizius
©
Copyright 2020 by
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When
I think of all the chapters of my life, all the exciting places I've
lived or visited I realize that I was never really alone, yet
somehow, my
voice
was but a whisper to those closest to me.
From
the time I left my home in Canada to move to the United States at the
tender age of 21, I was forever moving from place to place,
and
giving
up things I loved and people I grew fond of.
Now,
we all have to make sacrifices for our significant other, our
marriages, our families but, what happens when the sacrifices become
such a
way
of life that you forget your own needs, your own passion in the
process? Little by little, you start to neglect your own happiness,
and focus
only
on the happiness of those around you. When this happens, we can truly
lose ourselves, our identity, and sometimes, our self- worth.
How
does this process begin? What triggers us to give up ourselves for
the sake of others? I don't think there's really one true answer to
these
questions
because for some of us the transformation is so slow that we almost
don't notice the changes until it's too late. As we get older,
we
just
kind of "go with the flow," and hope that one day when we
say " hey, I think we should move back to Texas," we have
the love and support
of
the person sitting next to us.
Unfortunately,
that is not my story. Perhaps some of you can relate.
As
far back as I can remember I have dedicated my life to sheltering and
caring for homeless and abused animals. My dream was to one
day
open
my own rescue facility, and focus on bully breeds and elderly
animals. No matter who I allowed in my life and in my heart, I was
always
open
about my dream, and the fact that I needed to be with someone who
truly cared for animals, as well.
Many
agreed with me... many lied.
It's
very subtle.
Remember
the first, wonderful days when you fall in love, and spend hours on
the phone talking about everything? Oh, what a blissful time
that
is! Your likes, your dislikes? Your hobbies and interests? You can't
believe your luck when you hear the other person agree with so many
of
the
things you love... wow!
When
my husband and I first met we had those talks. I specifically asked
him about his need for affection, what kind of communicator he
was,
his
love for animals, and being supportive. He, of course, said those
things were of utmost importance to him, and he was wonderful
at
showing
me how true this was... for a while.
Two
years into the relationship we decided to get married, but it was
soon after that that I noticed how different he was. No
communication,
and
most of the support came from me in the form of leaving a job I LOVED
in Virginia so he could go back to his job in Michigan. For the
most
part,
I became a "stay at home" mom because anytime I wanted to
go back to the workforce it conflicted with his hours. The worst
part... I
found
out that when I wasn't home, he was not very kind to my dogs!
So,
I pulled him aside one day, and asked point blank, " I don't
understand. You used to care, you used to talk to me and listen, and
you used to
make
me feel like my feelings were important. What happened?" He
shrugged his shoulders, and very calmly replied, " well, back
then I was
trying
to get you. Now that I've got you, I don't have to do those things
anymore."
Did
he JUST say that?
Now,
you would think that after leaving my country, a great job, my family
and friends for one man that perhaps my sacrifices would be
limited
for
another. Nope. Once again, I left a job I loved, friends, and a
wonderful home to support this man, and here I stood wondering
how
someone
who could be as intelligent as me be so dumb.
The
years went on, and I realized that my marriage was going nowhere, and
I needed to move on from this man. I had to do whatever it took
to
take
care of my 4 boys as a single mom so, I worked 3 different jobs to
make sure that their way of life did not change. My thoughts were
never
far
from my dreams, and my passion to work with animals so, I reminded
myself that this was only temporary.
As
luck would have it, I met a wonderful man who, once again, made me
believe in love and trust and honesty. He loved animals, my kids,
and
after
a 2-year long distance relationship we decided to move in together.
Of course, I was the one who moved, left my friends, my job so that
I
could
support my loves' desire to stay "close to his work contacts,"
not give up his house, and pursue his many dreams.
One
of his dreams lead us to a border town in South Texas which I was
hesitant to embrace. I was reluctant to move my 2 younger boys
again
after
only a short time, but the guilt I felt over not allowing my partner
to fulfill his dream overwhelmed me. We packed up the family, the
dog,
the
cat, and the kids, and headed to Texas.
While
there, he decided where we would live, and even chose the house we
would buy.
Six
months after living in this lovely town I landed my dream job of
becoming the Director of the animal shelter. It was a huge
responsibility, but
one
I dove into full speed ahead and with a full heart! My kids were
flourishing in this environment, and my partner was truly loving his
job, as
well.
I thought this would be our home for a very long time.
My
partner and I did not spend a great deal of time together after we
both took on very important, very time-consuming positions. When
we
did
have the opportunity to see each other or have a day off I could see
a distance forming. He became very unkind, and seemingly jealous
of
my
youngest son. It was apparent that he had issues with rage, but the
boys and I continued to appease him, and meet his demands. It was
"go
with
the flow" or feel his wrath.
I
could no longer allow my boys to grow in this environment so, once
again, we found ourselves in a predicament that would change our
lives. I
left
my job, we gave up a beautiful home, left our friends, and moved back
to Michigan to start over.
Starting
over was beginning to become a lifestyle for me, and I couldn't
believe I had allowed another man to change my life, again!
I
happily found another job working with animals, but the money wasn't
great and I knew I had to do better for my sons. I was living with a
dear
friend
who had helped us move, and gave us a place to stay. We were only
there a year before I was offered a position on the west side of
the
state
that would bring better pay, and a chance to really make a difference
for the animals in that community. I took it!
Working
with animals again, and sharing my knowledge with coworkers, as well
as the community, was a dream come true. I flourished in my
new
position while making new friends and valuable contacts. This time, I
was determined to concentrate on my career, my passion, and my
happiness.
Then
he came along.
Out
of nowhere, I was blessed with a wonderful partner who swept me off
my feet, embraced the family unit, and loved animals! As time
went
on,
we even talked about starting a rescue together! Life was good, love
was good, and I had planted my feet firmly in a place I could finally
call
home.
It's amazing how everything can just come together in one moment, and
put you on the path you had paved for yourself long ago.
Then,
something happened.
Although
we didn't work together, our jobs did "tie" together, and
one day at the shelter there was an incident with a volunteer that
put me in
an
awkward position. Because this person was directly related to my
partners' place of business, the incident made it become a conflict
of
interest
for us to continue seeing each other. I thought long and hard, and
made the painful decision to leave my job because of the love I
had
for
this man, and so he didn't have any issues with his job.
I
didn't regret the decision at the time, after all... sacrifice is
part of loving someone without conditions... right? We loved, we
laughed, we
made
mad plans for the future, and 3 years later... we moved in
together... at his place. So, once again, I packed up everything to
start anew in a
different
town because it was more convenient for him to stay close to his job,
his kids, and his friends. I ended up taking a job that paid
way
less
than what I was used to, and was very reluctant to do so until my
partner assured me that "everything would be okay!" We
would be
combining
our incomes, have one rent payment, less utilities, and would be able
to save money towards a house and our future!
I
must be crazy.
Four
short months later my world turned upside down. Our relationship came
to an end very quickly, and with no warning. I had to leave
"his"
house,
and start my life over, again. I had no place to go, very little
money, and immediately went into a deep depression. I stayed with
my
oldest
son for a bit, and we decided to find a place together where we could
split the bills.
It
was 4 months before we found a suitable place within our budget, and
during that time I had to max out credit cards to pay for things,
and
hire
a moving van. I spent that 4 months applying to different apartments
and houses which dropped my credit score each time. I barely
made
the
first/last month and security deposit when we moved in, and my next
check was another 2 weeks away.
This
became a dark time for me.
There
was a light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope that everyone learns
a lesson from this in some small way.
Over
the next year and a half, I took stock of my life, and the decisions
that I'd made along the way. Do I blame the men in my life for
what's
happened
to me and my family? Perhaps, to a certain extent, but I, and
everyone else, must take responsibility too.
How
many moves did I make in all those years for someone else's
happiness? How many jobs did I give up for the convenience of others?
How
many
times did I "give in" to make sure that someone else, or
someone else's kids or someone else's friends didn't get upset?
Too
many to count.
Sometimes,
we begin to love others so much that we forget to love ourselves.
Sometimes, we forget that we matter too, and our voice should
be
heard. I could have said, "no!" I could have walked away
before I lost myself. I could have taken a stand, and not given in to
every demand or
request.
I let this happen. The question is, "will I let this happen,
again?"
No.
Ask
yourself this... "if I asked you to name all the things you
love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?"
There
comes a time in everyone's life/relationships where you have to
become selfish. Not in a bad way, of course, but you have to embrace
the
fact
that YOU are important too... YOU deserve to be loved correctly...
YOUR happiness matters... YOU are worthy!
It
took me many years to discover that my worth, my happiness was
essential to my well-being, and the well-being of those around me. We
can
either
look back at our life and smile or we can say to ourselves "what
was I thinking?" and move forward.
Never
again will I give up the things I love for someone else. Never again
will I put my passion aside to appease someone else. Never again will
I
sacrifice
friends, family, and home for someone who wouldn't do the same for
me!
Today,
and for the rest of my days... it's all about me!!
Learn
to love yourself so much that when others are around you, they will
know exactly how it should be done!
Through
all that's happened, all the places I've been, all the people I've
met along the way... there is only one regret. That I never chose my
own
destination...
that I never had a chance to plan my own "next step" or
future.
The
time is now.
I
don't know if I'll ever fall in love again, I don't know if I'll stay
in one place very long. I don't know if I'll have another "dream"
job or make a
difference
in someone's life. I don't know how many friends I'll make or if I'll
make any at all. What I am sure of is that now I am in control.
I
choose,
I move, I change, I want, I need... and it feels good.
My
destination is unknown... but I'll make it just fine.
So
will you.
I
was born and raised in London, Ontario Canada, but spent 30 years
living in the United States, and raising 4 beautiful boys.
I
am an animal advocate, tree hugger, nature lover and Grandma.
I
now spend my time traveling and learning about different cultures.
(Unless
you
type
the
author's name
in
the subject
line
of the message
we
won't know where to send it.)
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