To My Beloveds(You know who you are)
Kirthana B. Raj
© Copyright 2021 by Kirthana B. Raj
I havenít written anything remotely good in the past year and this was not the piece I intended to begin with, see I have all these messy webs of stories, poems, essays about pandemic, about all the new people I got to shake hands with, the new things I got to learn, the social media and hundreds of others but this is important because this is all I keep thinking about (so we write what we must, not what we want).
This is whatís been on my mind (while Iím at home reading or when I take a walk by the lake): the beloveds we find, the chosen and accidental angels, humans and otherwise.
couple of years ago teacher H in school handed me a flashcard with a
single sentence on it: Notice what lights you up.
This was to be our guiding principle to list down a couple of things that lit us upÖ.my list as a 12 year old was very simple it was puppies, books,chocolates, drawing, skies and chickenÖwell, I wouldnít alter this list my 12-year self made except I would like to add something really important, whatís lighting me up now is friendlove, beloveds through whom I have found home and in whom I find home. It feels wrong to not have written about them sooner.
I do not know how it happens, who, what,where makes it happen, but somewhere we find each other and find we can say things to each other that we would only say to ourselves, and trust...that we will be loved despite-that we will love ourselves despite. You can work your way to this feeling, love can guide you there, but itís a special magic when its instant, a trust instantly affirmed and wrung with certainty. It just exists, it does and it stays as long as the two of you keep wanting to see ďhomeĒ in each other.
When I go to around the lake some mornings, I soon forgive the thoughts I intended to explore on my bike ride, and find my attention caught in the love between ripples and light, wind and wheel,feet and me.
There are all these boats stacked up at one part of the lake, it reminds me of them and this is The truth I wish I shall never forget: our beloveds are rafts that show us how to survive, and why its necessary to. When I see them wade through life I know I can Ė and must. It is friends who got me through the last storm of my life.
When you are caught up in dark ďwoodsĒ you have to run and finish the course of it. this metaphorical Ďwoodsí where your feet shepherd you into when youíre lost, a darkness where staying lost is the only way you can rid scripts of grief and pain. What you find and on the other side, I donít know but I suspect it has to do with grace and love, and though these questions have to be walked alone, your beloveds make the course of it a little less scary , and most importantly it gives you hope.
But itís not always a voice or an amulet that helps its Sís sloppy morning kisses;itís Dís hugs where I heal, itís Vís phone calls where I donít have to use actual words at all ; itís Mís presence that letís me be wholly myself; itís Pís random lecture on anything and everything that silences my brain; itís Nís random piece of poetry and Dís memes; itís K sending me sky pictures from different timezone and then there are also times when D & V are there to tell me Iím messing up when I need it, and M will spontaneously go anywhere with me, and A plays different songs just to clear my air of sadness and D clicks random pictures of me to convince me that Iím beautiful and I give in(sometimes), Iím now convinced What loves us is invested in our self-transformation, painful as it might be and that sometimes it takes others love to learn to love ourselves.
piece is in gratitude to all the beloveds who have been my light- Iím
here because of you. I needed you. One of the necessary spells I have
learnt in the woods is how to give love a home in writing, press it
upon the memory of the world and lift away the current of what
cynics will claim of it Ė YES love saves, Yes we lose people
and homes and are rendered lost by them also, but we must never
forget this, I must not forget this,love is what sees you through. I
have known it and lived it and sit here changed by it. If I believe
in myself or my art it is because of the sisters and friends and
lovers and skies and storms and dogs that have loved me; the ones who
love me and the ones who let me love-