Certain photos we love having around us to remind us of beautiful memories. It took me a long time to be okay to actually have pictures out of Klaus. My cat Niklaus passed away a year ago. I called him Klaus or Klaus mouse for short. He had a lot of cute nicknames. I also called him poppers for Mr. Poppers penguins because he liked that movie. I put all his stuff away hidden in a closet when he died. It took me a year to start taking out his pictures. I slowly started taking out pictures and I just put his ashes by my bed. It takes time getting over grief. I didn’t think I would ever be able to look at his pictures again without breaking down. I would get so afraid to cry because the pain hurt so bad. I would feel real pain in my throat and chest when I cried over Klaus. He was my son. Pets are the only ones that love us no matter what. I think we forget that we are mortal. We think we’re immortal and that people and pets will always be there. I never even knew anything was wrong with my Klaus. I don’t even know how I drove home from the pet hospital. I remember screaming and crying the whole way home saying I’m so sorry Klaus. I was in shock.

I still remember that weekend like it was yesterday. I went out for a few hours after work and I came home and Klaus was in his Halloween pet house. He never usually sleeps in there. The next day was Sunday and Klaus was lying inside a kitchen cabinet. He never does that. I thought maybe he had an upset stomach and got into something. He didn’t eat or really drink that day. I wasn’t sure what to think. I started calling vets.  It was a Sunday. My vet was closed as pretty much all vets were. I didn’t give up I kept calling. It was down to two choices. To drive out an hour to a vet hospital or a local vet that was open on Sunday’s . The local vet that was open on Sunday’s had told me they will have the vet call me back. I honestly didn’t know what to think. I still kept thinking I gave him a new treat and maybe it didn’t agree with him. Or maybe he has an infection. I kept calling people asking for opinions. I just was so anxious and afraid. I left my place for about 15 or 20 minutes just to get some air. The Vet calls me when I’m on my way back to my place. He says you can bring Klaus here if you want to but to be honest you should take him to the hospital. If he didn’t eat or drink he will need an iv and it’s serious when a cat hasn’t had anything to drink all day. I knew right then it was time for the hospital. Before I went i had his blanket on the floor and was petting him and I just started to cry saying please baby drink something let mama help you. His head was bobbing and I cried so bad not knowing what was going on. At that point his head started to bob. He crawled to the water and started to drink. I thought to myself dear lord please let him get better. Thank god he had something to drink. Maybe he would get better. But the head bobbing continued on and off and I know now as I look back at that day I was in shock the whole day. I was completely terrified.

I don’t know how I drove him to the Vet I kept crying. All kinds of scenarios were running around in my mind. But I had to be brave for my boy. I was going to get him the best help that I could find. We got to the hospital and the nurse came out and took him right away. The nurse said the same thing that I thought maybe he was sick from something he ate. I must of waited 30 minutes. Then a vet came to get me and brought me into a room. She looked at me and said how long has he been blind. I think my heart sank. At that point I think my spirit started to slowly leave my body. I said I don’t know what you mean at all. The vet continued to tell me he is completely blind. I said I will help him whatever way I can. She said he will stay blind it’s permanent. I said how can this happen? She said it must of happened on the way to the hospital. At that point my heart was racing. I then said well what is going on with him and how can we help him? She then told me this was more serious than I thought. She said you are going to have to face the fact that your cat has a brain tumor and possible cancer. And that he may not make it. At that point the words kept coming out of her mouth but I’m not sure what she said after that. I just started losing consciousness and felt dizzy. I insisted that I will take him to doctors and he will get better. She then said I think you should think about the option of putting him down I said no way. I said I will give you the money that I have and I’m applying for credit as we speak. I’ll take him to the necessary Dr appointments. I said now you go back in there and save him. This went on for I don’t know how long where she kept coming back in and trying to change my mind but I would not change my mind. Always and forever Klaus. Just like on the TV show The Originals. I named him after Niklaus the main character. No one gets left behind. Family looks out for each other.

The Vet came back in again this time she said he had a small heart attack but she brought him back. She asked what did I want to do. I said we will bring him back. At this point I was doing Reiki. I was sending him symbols and love. I started to pull out my heart energy and send it to him. I said if anyone can save someone it’s going to be me. I refused to let Klaus go. I was always told I’m a strong healer. Then I should be able to heal him as well. I then asked the Vet if I could go see him? She let me go in the room he was in. I walked in and he was hooked up to so many machines and wires. I go mommy’s here Klaus and I’m never leaving. He then started to have another heart attack. I said I’m not sure if you heard me Klaus I’m here and I’m never leaving you. Don’t be scared I’m here. And I will always be here. They told me to leave the room. I’m here Klaus, I’m here! Don’t you go Klaus you hear me. It’s not your time. The vet said that his heart stopped, I said keep trying to bring him back he didn’t leave he’s still here. She said how long do you want me to try. I said what do you mean? Just don’t stop. I never gave up hope. He will be okay. He is gonna make it. This went on for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes she said we can’t try anymore. I said why? Why? You don’t know what you’re talking about. I then just slid down the wall to the floor. I was leaned up against the wall. I think at that point my spirit left my body. I felt so empty and confused. I brought my cat here thinking he had a cold? How could this happen.

I don’t know how I made it home. I cried the whole way home I’m sorry Klaus. I’m so sorry. I don’t remember much after that. Except that the pain was so unbearable. I had a counselor already. I don’t know what I would have done without him. I kept blaming myself for his death. If I would have done this differently or that. I then would pray to god to please bring him back. Then I got angry at god for a little bit. Not understanding why Klaus had to leave. There is so many stages of grief. I couldn’t get past the acceptance part. How do you accept someone you love is gone? I have such a crazy past and I only knew toxic people and partners. Klaus was my son, my stability, my safety, my strength. When he was gone I didn’t know what to do. It was like the rug was ripped out from underneath me. I kept going to healers to try to fix the pain. One hit the nail on the head she said you have never known real love not from any type of relationship. I said you’re right. Just from my cat. Everyone else was toxic. After he died the different scenarios kept playing in my head. I just felt so guilty. But the worst part of guilt is when others make you feel it also. I was already down and I felt the kicks of others while I was there. Someone close to me said I can’t believe you left even for 20 minutes the day he was dying. I tried to defend myself at first and said but I was gone for 20 minutes and at that point it was not serious. But it I could go back I would have stayed glued to him. Then the same person went on to say I will never let that happen to my pet, I constantly take my pet to the vet. I think my heart went into my stomach. I felt sick and so other worldly as if I was having out of body experiences. It’s like I lost Klaus and now I had to deal with the fact that no human cares. If in life we could try to be tactful of peoples feelings it would help others.

I recently went to a pet psychic, because I needed closure. And she told me to make a list of questions for Klaus. I had so many but my major one was do you blame me? This woman was the real deal she said things that only Klaus knew. She said that him and I signed a soul contract before we came into this world. It was his time to go. She said there was nothing anyone could do and that Klaus wants me to be happy. She said he worries for me and does not like seeing me like this. She said that someone close to me said some cruel words because that was their pain and grief not mine to carry.

She said to let it go. It reminded me of how this person that was close to me got upset with me when I said the wrong words and said I was so insensitive. I was in shock because this person throws all of her hurt on me. And she stopped talking to me. I said you know what please go heal yourself. No one has the right to think they can treat us any way they want and act like nothing happened. I then focused on what the psychic said because Her words really hit me. Especially knowing Klaus was worried. I just wanted to focus on getting better. I told myself I’m going to do things for Klaus. He will be proud of my accomplishments. Different moments that happen in my life now no matter how big or small, I say this is for Klaus. I only want him to be at peace now not worrying about me. She said he was happy and at peace. That is what I needed to move on. Well we don’t ever move on when we love someone. However we do let the pain go at some point. There are still moments when I tear up but it’s not the horrific pain that I felt before.

I just put a donation in to a humane society to get a plaque for him. It’s something I wanted to do for a year and finally just did it. I keep his baby toy and blanket in my cabinet and look at it daily, along with his pictures. I used to have to hide everything of his but now I can smile and say that’s my Klaus and I love you Klaus. I’m so glad that I was your mommy in this life. Thank you Klaus for everything that you taught me. Always and Forever your mom!

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