Kelly Maida--The Ghosts Of Christmas Past

There is a quote that I love by Jim Morrison. Death makes Angels of all of us. When people die I think we put people on a pedestal. We quickly forget anything wrong they did. We think of them as almost god like in a way. Until we have had some time to heal our wounds. Death is a traumatic experience. Especially if you lose someone close to you. I lost my cat Niklaus last year. I walked in the hospital room and he had his final heart attack in front of him. I thought of him as my child. But animals are different they are pure love They never do anything to hurt us. They just love us unconditionally. They do not say mean words to hurt us. Humans are different. Humans are flawed. I believe we already come into this world with past life baggage. Then we have our family’s wounds and traumas. Then we just keep picking up things as we go along.

But this story that I started is more about humans. Why do we put people on pedestals at all? For instance celebrities. We put them on this pedestal like they are god like. But they are no different than we are. I used to do it but I stopped. I do not even watch that much tv anymore. It just feels so imaginary, watching things that have nothing to do with your life. I feel it brings us further away from ourselves. We give our power away when we put people on pedestals. It detaches us from ourselves and reality.

When people die we also put people on pedestals. We glorify them and immortalize them. When someone dies we don’t see with a clear sense of anything. We are to consumed with fear, grief and a wide range of emotions. The person that you once felt was toxic, you look at like they are the end and be all. Could it be that while they were alive you did this as well? And maybe when they died you went all in and completely put them on a pedestal. Maybe in life we hope to be rescued. Rescued from this fear of not feeling completely safe. And this fear comes from our childhoods. I know I never felt safe. And it stems from that. So we feel this fear and put people on pedestals and then feel crushed when they let us down or die.

When the father of my children died, I felt a wide range of emotions. I felt really bad for my kids. I also tried to suppress my feelings because I felt that I had no right to feel anything for him because we were not together when he passed away. I gave away my power to him a long time ago. He always told me what to do, where the kids should live. He pressured me to move down south so that the kids could be close to him. I never really thought of the trauma of moving to a completely new state and how it would affect my kids or me. I just thought the kids should be close to their father. Even though he was making the choice of moving away from them. I always thought he was a better parent, a better person. Even though at times I would fight with him. But i put him on a pedestal. I look back and see now I was just manipulated. He was toxic and had addictions but we somehow forgot those things when we are being gaslighted. I wrote this because I see this happening to people now. We put all of our trust into people instead of trusting ourselves. We think that our kids need their parents but what they really need is to feel safe. I didn’t even know the word toxic until 8 years ago. My counselor woke me up and said your family is toxic and that is why you choose toxic partners. I had no idea they were toxic. It’s so crazy now that I look back. People can yell and scream at home but out in public they put on this smile and everyone thinks how wonderful they are.

All I know is I am so grateful for all of the counseling that I received over the years. I left all of the toxic people behind me. I worked through my fears. Feeling safe now is the only thing that matters. It’s good to not walk on eggshells. It feels good not to be yelled at or manipulated. It’s nice knowing that no one will lay a hand on you again because I don’t surround myself with snakes anymore. I left the snake pit. The best advice I was ever given was a snake scenario. A counselor told me to imagine a toxic person as a snake. See that snake in a box. Sometimes when you put your hand in the box the snake won’t bite. But sometimes it will. You just never know. And there maybe a lot of times when you put your hand in that box and it doesn’t bite you. But is it really worth the risk? Why keep risking yourself and putting yourself in those situations. It’s also like being kidnapped. Why go back to your abuser?

Unfortunately I think it happens because of what has been passed down to us. Some people have money passed down to them. Others have addictions passed down to them. It does not matter what you get passed down to you. You can make excuses for yourself or others or heal yourself at anytime. I would rather heal myself it feels more full inside my heart now. This holiday I’m alone. . But I’m not lonely. I felt lonely around toxic people. I used to be in a room filled with toxic people and I felt lonely. They were not able to authentically communicate with me. It’s the first time I felt really at peace in a long time. No one is upset or being passive aggressive. Or fake smiling just to ignore you a few days later. It’s just me and I honestly prefer this compared to being around toxicity. Even the ghosts of Christmas past have left me now. They found their peace as well.