I
am trying to find my voice but it is plagued in a sea of
responsibilities, that is drawing in doubt. I am trying to listen to
myself, but I can’t hear. Because somehow, I just feel fear.
And all of a sudden I feel so disconnected from myself and my
surroundings. It is as if your heart stopped and you can’t feel
your pulse. You are just existing and it feels like at any time you
could just stop or collapse. Why does society push us so hard? We
then push ourselves even harder. It is as if the only time that
people say anything nice is when you are working really hard at your
job or achievements. And then we also do this to ourselves. We treat
ourselves like Pavlov’s dog theory. Giving ourselves rewards
only if we accomplish or do something. So basically this is what the
world has taught us. From our jobs, relationships, family, government
etc. They ring a bell and we are on command. Then again this is how
the government set us up. The government set up to fail. I feel a new
earth and a new way of living is upon us. It is a time of awakening
right now. Awakening to what we truly want. Not what was forced on
us.
Trigger
warning for what comes next. I am tired of not saying what I really
feel. And we were programmed from an early age to basically just be
agreeable and not ask questions. We are taught to respect elders.
What if the elders do not respect us? Respect should be a mutual
thing. How long can we just be doormats? The whole world has been
contradicting itself for centuries. It picks and chooses what you
should believe in. Even if it does not make any sense. You are
supposed to obey and not ask questions. I used to just sit around and
take it my whole life from family members and strangers that would
constantly complain and just argue because that is all that they
know. But over the last six years, after a lot of deep healing and
self reflection, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t just
agree with people to keep the peace. No matter who it is. I watched a
very powerful video that woke me up to some scary realizations. A
woman had a near death experience. She had cancer and died and went
to heaven. While she was there she was told that she got cancer
because of her toxic ways. She hated every single thing about her
life. But she did not realize it. She was on auto pilot. She hated
her job, situations, people, where she lived. Basically she did not
like anything about her life. And she had no idea that she had the
power to change any of it. This is so powerful. How many people die
like this. I started to do some deep introspection. And lately I have
been noticing that some days I feel that it's an effort just to wash
my hair and to move from my chair. I have little to no energy some
days. My energy became depleted recently. I have been in and around
so many toxic situations that I feel dizzy. Now when I say this, it
is toxic situations out of my control. I just moved out of an
apartment because the neighbor above me was stomping around day and
night. The cops were showing up. People fighting and threatening each
other. Witch hunts. Everyone trying to blame someone for something.
To be honest that place I was in was filled with negativity. It
started to affect my mental health. I knew that I needed to move out.
It was a lot of work moving all of my stuff into a new place while I
was working full time and writing and acting. All the while I found
out I had some health issues. I felt my world was just caging me in
and my life was becoming so difficult. I thought that once I moved
that my life would magically improve overnight. I was so upset when
it did not. I still have the health issues to deal with and I just
feel so run down from moving and day to day life. Also my full time
job is burning me out. I decided to switch to another department in
my company. However the move to another job will not happen for a
month. I feel that every area in my life is being highlighted right
now. Some days it's like which item do I tackle next. Do you ever
feel that even on your day off you still have 100 things to do.
Whether it's taxes or car issues to fix, doctor appointments, getting
your hair done. How many times do we have to repeat something. Life
somehow turns into a routine. It makes you feel like you are on
autopilot. You question yourself and wonder if this is even your
life? Or is the life that was set up for you. Or that you have to
perform in order to survive. Some days I just stop and cry and ask
god what did I do wrong in life? I feel like I am being punished.
In
one session that I had with my counselor he said that I am under the
Spiritual Squeeze. He said that it is when God is putting pressure on
us. My counselor explained to me that God puts pressure on us when
it's time to make changes in life. Sometimes it’s when many
areas of our life need to change. He was right it was also old
mindsets and habits that were not working for me anymore. My
counselor said to me how does holding on to all this anger help you?
I didn't even realize that I was doing that. I was so busy with my
life that I did not realize just how angry I was because of all this
change. It is scary when we make a lot of changes in our life at
once. I was waiting for my shoe to drop or the next thing to go
wrong. But that is no way to live. I am learning to slow down more
and check in with myself. I have been so busy that I forgot to do
that. We get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to take time
out for ourselves. The hustle and bustle can get so overwhelming.
Sometimes
I wonder which way to go next in my life. The main thing in all of
this is I learned that I needed to slow down. I was burning myself
out. I forgot to laugh and enjoy life. Life was becoming a boring
burden to me. I started to feel like is this it in life? I work and
go home and eat and bed and that is it? Plus when you're not even
happy at your full time job you start to resent your life without
realizing it. And then that spirals into your life. Next thing you
know you're just mad at the world. I thought I was a positive person.
But somewhere down the line I feel that I lost touch with myself.
So
when my life started crumbling around me and my energy was depleting,
that is when I started to really be present in the moment. Asking
myself real questions. For instance, is this making you happy? If
not, find another way? Or how can I make my life simpler and easier?
I was also taking on too many projects at once and becoming
overwhelmed. I thought that I could handle everything. Once I started
paying more attention to my thoughts and listening to myself, I was
able to become more aware. I was more aware of my surroundings. How
often do we stay in places, houses, apartments, jobs or dead end
relationships? We just keep going everyday and trying to distract
ourselves from the unpleasantness in life. Until our lives become so
unmanageable. Why do we let it go this far? For me I think I just
didn't know which way to go. Or which problem to handle first. Until
I did not have a choice and then I started to prioritize which task
had to be done first. All I know is that the struggle in life is
real. We have to prioritize ourselves and our well being. If not then
the Universe always comes through by shining a light on you. Putting
you in the hot seat and making your life really uncomfortable. Change
is uncomfortable but without it, how would we grow?
Contact
Kelly (Unless
you
type
the
author's name in
the subject
line
of the message we
won't know where to send it.)
