The Struggles of Everyday Existence






Kelly Maida



 
© Copyright 2023 by Kelly Maida


Photo by Elisa Ventur on Unsplash
Photo by Elisa Ventur on Unsplash

I am trying to find my voice but it is plagued in a sea of responsibilities, that is drawing in doubt. I am trying to listen to myself, but I canít hear. Because somehow, I just feel fear. And all of a sudden I feel so disconnected from myself and my surroundings. It is as if your heart stopped and you canít feel your pulse. You are just existing and it feels like at any time you could just stop or collapse. Why does society push us so hard? We then push ourselves even harder. It is as if the only time that people say anything nice is when you are working really hard at your job or achievements. And then we also do this to ourselves. We treat ourselves like Pavlovís dog theory. Giving ourselves rewards only if we accomplish or do something. So basically this is what the world has taught us. From our jobs, relationships, family, government etc. They ring a bell and we are on command. Then again this is how the government set us up. The government set up to fail. I feel a new earth and a new way of living is upon us. It is a time of awakening right now. Awakening to what we truly want. Not what was forced on us.

Trigger warning for what comes next. I am tired of not saying what I really feel. And we were programmed from an early age to basically just be agreeable and not ask questions. We are taught to respect elders. What if the elders do not respect us? Respect should be a mutual thing. How long can we just be doormats? The whole world has been contradicting itself for centuries. It picks and chooses what you should believe in. Even if it does not make any sense. You are supposed to obey and not ask questions. I used to just sit around and take it my whole life from family members and strangers that would constantly complain and just argue because that is all that they know. But over the last six years, after a lot of deep healing and self reflection, I canít do this anymore. I canít just agree with people to keep the peace. No matter who it is. I watched a very powerful video that woke me up to some scary realizations. A woman had a near death experience. She had cancer and died and went to heaven. While she was there she was told that she got cancer because of her toxic ways. She hated every single thing about her life. But she did not realize it. She was on auto pilot. She hated her job, situations, people, where she lived. Basically she did not like anything about her life. And she had no idea that she had the power to change any of it. This is so powerful. How many people die like this. I started to do some deep introspection. And lately I have been noticing that some days I feel that it's an effort just to wash my hair and to move from my chair. I have little to no energy some days. My energy became depleted recently. I have been in and around so many toxic situations that I feel dizzy. Now when I say this, it is toxic situations out of my control. I just moved out of an apartment because the neighbor above me was stomping around day and night. The cops were showing up. People fighting and threatening each other. Witch hunts. Everyone trying to blame someone for something. To be honest that place I was in was filled with negativity. It started to affect my mental health. I knew that I needed to move out. It was a lot of work moving all of my stuff into a new place while I was working full time and writing and acting. All the while I found out I had some health issues. I felt my world was just caging me in and my life was becoming so difficult. I thought that once I moved that my life would magically improve overnight. I was so upset when it did not. I still have the health issues to deal with and I just feel so run down from moving and day to day life. Also my full time job is burning me out. I decided to switch to another department in my company. However the move to another job will not happen for a month. I feel that every area in my life is being highlighted right now. Some days it's like which item do I tackle next. Do you ever feel that even on your day off you still have 100 things to do. Whether it's taxes or car issues to fix, doctor appointments, getting your hair done. How many times do we have to repeat something. Life somehow turns into a routine. It makes you feel like you are on autopilot. You question yourself and wonder if this is even your life? Or is the life that was set up for you. Or that you have to perform in order to survive. Some days I just stop and cry and ask god what did I do wrong in life? I feel like I am being punished.

In one session that I had with my counselor he said that I am under the Spiritual Squeeze. He said that it is when God is putting pressure on us. My counselor explained to me that God puts pressure on us when it's time to make changes in life. Sometimes itís when many areas of our life need to change. He was right it was also old mindsets and habits that were not working for me anymore. My counselor said to me how does holding on to all this anger help you? I didn't even realize that I was doing that. I was so busy with my life that I did not realize just how angry I was because of all this change. It is scary when we make a lot of changes in our life at once. I was waiting for my shoe to drop or the next thing to go wrong. But that is no way to live. I am learning to slow down more and check in with myself. I have been so busy that I forgot to do that. We get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to take time out for ourselves. The hustle and bustle can get so overwhelming.

Sometimes I wonder which way to go next in my life. The main thing in all of this is I learned that I needed to slow down. I was burning myself out. I forgot to laugh and enjoy life. Life was becoming a boring burden to me. I started to feel like is this it in life? I work and go home and eat and bed and that is it? Plus when you're not even happy at your full time job you start to resent your life without realizing it. And then that spirals into your life. Next thing you know you're just mad at the world. I thought I was a positive person. But somewhere down the line I feel that I lost touch with myself.

So when my life started crumbling around me and my energy was depleting, that is when I started to really be present in the moment. Asking myself real questions. For instance, is this making you happy? If not, find another way? Or how can I make my life simpler and easier? I was also taking on too many projects at once and becoming overwhelmed. I thought that I could handle everything. Once I started paying more attention to my thoughts and listening to myself, I was able to become more aware. I was more aware of my surroundings. How often do we stay in places, houses, apartments, jobs or dead end relationships? We just keep going everyday and trying to distract ourselves from the unpleasantness in life. Until our lives become so unmanageable. Why do we let it go this far? For me I think I just didn't know which way to go. Or which problem to handle first. Until I did not have a choice and then I started to prioritize which task had to be done first. All I know is that the struggle in life is real. We have to prioritize ourselves and our well being. If not then the Universe always comes through by shining a light on you. Putting you in the hot seat and making your life really uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable but without it, how would we grow?


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