A Cause for a Celebration Erica B. Donelson-Ellison   © Copyright 2024 by Erica B. Donelson-Ellison

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Although my immediate family remembered, My Mama forgot my birthday. I couldn't understand it as only a short time earlier ( it had been just a month or so), I had pulled out all of the stops to successfully celebrate her ninetieth year, by organizing an extended weekend lavish retreat of surprise entertainments. This had needed a number of agonising plans, negotiations and pre- bookings to come together and the organisation of the availability of attendees, had complicated matters, no end. Ultimately, it had all been worthwhile to just witness her enjoyment of being with her family and close friends. Of course a ‘ninetieth’, deserved a huge celebration - reaching such a milestone merited that, so at her age, shouldn't I just have cut her some slack for forgetting mine ? but, try as l might, at the time, l could not shake the fact that l was offended.

This was primarily because she had continued to talk about her plans to mark the birthday of an older sister, whose birthday had occurred the day prior to mine, and it was I who had reminded her of my sisters special day, during a specific call that l had instigated and dedicated primarily to this purpose. Had l done so deliberately in order to encourage her to remember the association between our birthdays? certainly not -consciously! But, this pattern of our birthdays- as they had occurred- the consecutive day after the other, was certainly one that l had presumed would spark a memory of association for her to remember my own.

She had constantly reminded us that she was in possession of ‘ all of her faculties ‘ and for this fact, shouldn't we all just have been grateful? As so many older people succumbed to forgetfulness, apathy and dementia; and having lost so many significant individuals from our older generations, that she is still with us was indeed a blessing. But, my older sisters had remembered my birthday, this year, without the need to prompt them to do so. Therefore, I was cross with them, for not reminding our mother of my own celebratory day. That was my light bulb ' Ah ha.... ‘ breakthrough moment.

l had finally succeeded in uncovering that the source of my nagging disappointment did not solely rest with a single family member. It wasn’t a single years displacement of the recognition of my birthday. My unease lay in being jolted into the memories of birthdays of so many past years because, although l conscientiously reminded everyone of family birthday’s- clarification arose that, the pattern of not remembering my own, was and had been, a repeated occurrence (far more than intermittent).The lack of a celebration of my birthday, by my family as l grew, spanned my childhood, as well as continuing throughout my teenage and adult years.

It was simply that -in retirement, as l had escaped the crushing tempo of work- that l could spare the time to reflect upon this evident pattern. And so, I morosely concluded that the evidence was significant- they had all remembered to celebrate each others birthdays, without exception, and each year l had been reminded of this by their shared pictures of celebratory photos which had arrived promptly and regularly in my inbox without delay.

This continued to spark the memories of celebrations of their birthdays, when l was a young child. They were obviously aware that l too celebrated birthdays surrounded by my own growing family. (Not least, by indication of my many prompts to all parties of pending dates),so l became forcibly aware of a latent defence mechanism that l had clearly become comfortable with for so long and tasked myself instead with understanding : what had happened with regard to my parents and siblings remembering and celebrating my own birthday? And why my day, generally, was not historically afforded the deserved attention that the family applied to that of other members?

I remember, as a child -not making a fuss as the day loomed, nor as it passed. Perhaps the fault was my own in establishing and continuing by reinforcement, the belief that l did not matter; that l was not upset when my birthday passed with little or scant recognition?

So, l want to assure my close and loving family that, as regards our future, l will not be guilty of such an action which may cause them concern and dismay when they self- reflect on the events in their lives, because, whilst l have occasion to continue to breathe, l will always make provision to remember their birthdays and that l shall prioritize this because of what it means to be valued by those who you love -when you want them to reciprocate the care, attention and love that you give to them.

I make a promise to my close knit family that: l will aim to use every method of the developing technology available to me, in order to seek to remind myself, should l forget to mark the special anniversary date that celebrates when they came to be. Even, should l falter with increased age whilst hopefully inheriting the remaining agility associated with all of our elderly members-that I shall ask them to help me in becoming proficient in my grasp of ever expanding technology aids,, though l may charge them with requiring an oath to me, in regard to this complicity,( in anticipation of my debilitating years! ) So that they may indeed expect certain anguished cries for help. But, that ultimately, I shall seek to ensure that their birthdays, will be stacked chockfull of happiness, and that the memories of collected repeated anniversaries shall always and forever give them joy and constant happiness that they, hopefully will, cherish and ultimately pass onto our future generations, for years to come.

Since, for us, the practice of celebrating each and every individuals birthday, once a year, is and will continue to be a cherished custom, that deserves, without exception, to be marked and continuously practised by and including everyone, without favour. It is a treasured way, to seek to enhance their belonging to themselves and also to enhance inclusion to the community that, excepting family,we choose, as our treasured friends.