What Is It With Squirrels? Deon Matzen   © Copyright 2024 by Deon Matzen

Photo by Christine Matthews at Wikimedia Commons.

What is the explanation? Well, many websites posit many answers while others admit that they haven’t a clue. I still haven’t a clue. I strongly suspect these are teenagers and there is a buddy in the bushes at the side of the road egging him on. Are they are playing a game of chicken?

True, most of the areas where this happens are wooded as is the area around my home, so going to the post office to pick up my mail entails traveling through several areas that are wooded. I travel these roads about four times a week and three out of four, I experience the squirrels playing chicken. I have yet to see a dead one smashed on this route, but I have seen them squished in other areas of the island. Guess the ones in my neighborhood are either more practiced or faster.

I have another issue with squirrels. Last year I asked for a suet feeder for the woodland birds around my house for my birthday. I chose suet rather than loose birdseed so we wouldn’t have so many rodents eating what falls to the ground. It was a great idea and it brought lots of birds to our patio where we could watch them while we, and they, ate meals.

This lasted about a week when the suet feeder wasn’t there in the morning. I went out and discovered it on the patio ripped open and all the suet gone. I put more suet in and hung it up again.

Well the entertainment began. Two grey squirrels, not the black Douglasi that are natives to our woods, seemed to be the culprits. The native squirrels in my yard are a black mutation, not the reddish brown ones. Two grey squirrels were the culprits, working on having themselves a suet breakfast. Since the suet cage was suspended by a chain from a very long wrought-iron arm, they were having quiet a struggle leaping from the fence that edges the patio to hang from the suet cage. They succeeded in short time, hanging from the metal box and gobbling suet and seeds as fast as possible, occasionally trying to open the box so they could steal the five by five inch cube of goodies. If that didn’t work they tried to steal the whole cage again, something that we had made impossible.

Finally I took the whole thing down as this seemed to be a futile project. Though I loved seeing the birds, and the squirrel’s antics were fun to watch, it was defeating the whole idea of feeding the birds. We had never had grey squirrels in our woods. Where had they come from? They tend to force out the native squirrels and I didn’t want that, even though the natives think it is cool (or warm) to sleep in my rafters for the winter.

Finally I gave the suet feeder and the wrought-iron arm from which it hung to the thrift store, my favorite shopping store.

Well now the grey squirrels were thoroughly pissed!

The patio had a string of lights that went around it. The black rubber type that have a lead hanging down about six inches with Edison (old fashioned) light bulbs hanging from it. Twenty-five light bulbs.

Breakfast the next morning I noticed the grey squirrels were back. No suet=no treats.

I did notice that one of the lights on the string of twenty-five was missing; the light bulb, socket and the three inch lead from the primary feeder line. Then I notice that the squirrel is about to take another! I race out and chase the squirrels away. The next morning several more are missing and over three or four days thirteen of the twenty-five had disappeared. We took down the lights and threw them in Bob’s shop. The remaining bulbs still worked, but I wasn’t letting these marauding varmints steal any more unless I left the electricity on to electrocute them. I wasn’t sure I wanted to blow fuses or pick up roasted squirrels.

Two or three months later I am walking down into the woods. I spy something that looks very much like a VERY LARGE slug egg, round and translucent. It was located about two hundred feet from the house and about fifty feet into the woods.

I walked up to it, cautiously, as I had never seen anything like it in my woods before. When I got close I recognized it not as some type of egg, but one of my light bulbs buried halfway in the ground. These light bulbs are normal-sized light bulbs, not little tiny things. I pulled it up and, low and behold, it was the whole light bulb, the socket and three inches of rubber cord buried up to half way up the bulb. The squirrel had to dig a hole about five inches deep to leave just half the bulb sticking out of the soil.

I couldn’t believe it. My husband, Bob, couldn’t believe it. Why would a squirrel do such a thing? Had he decided the fixture was worthless to his taste? Was he just being vindictive? Who knows?

Winter continued on and we had a bad windstorm—yet again. Power went out, we had to leave home, and two small cedars lost the top half of their trees. We needed to clean up the mess and cedars make great kindling.

My husband cut up the tops of the trees, now standing on one of our paths through the woods. He came in the house and asked me to come outside. I assumed to help, but he had something to show me back in the woods not far off the path.

Another light bulb, socket and cord buried in the duff of the forest, just like before. Were these vindictive squirrels tormenting me? Now twice they have left these “signs” that they were upset with my removing the suet feeder. I expect over time we will find the remaining eleven that are still missing.

What is the matter with these creatures?