I wrote this piece on December, 5 1999. I had not written anything for months and I was beginning to fear that I was losing my talent as a writer. I could not feel anything and I could not write about anything, since I write about my feelings and my thoughts. I am a complex individual and I have my secrets as well as my problems... This is my tribute to all of the people who think that they do not deserve the love they get from their friends. The friend I am referring to in this piece is my best friend who came back from Canada on the same day that I wrote it. I had not seen her in 3 months and 11 days. I hope that you will enjoy the reading.
Have you ever had the feeling that something was taken from you even before you lost that something? Have you ever had the need to cry out loud that you love someone who is liable to hate you in a little while? Have you ever kept a secret so well concealed for the sake of someone and then found that this secret could ruin you and your relationship with someone that you love? Have you ever let someone hug you, someone that you thought would never hug you again, and comfort you, when you really needed it? Have you ever felt that you have wronged someone so much that you would give anything to make everything right again? Have you ever had the hand of a friend in your hands never wanting to let go of it? Have you ever drunk too much wine and then cried on the shoulder of someone who is not physically there? Have you ever let someone walk all over you, someone you thought you loved and then found that it was really someone else that you loved all this while? Have you ever slept with someone you did not love and then thought that if you loved that someone perhaps it could make all the difference in the world? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought that what you saw was not your own image, but somebody else's? Have you ever tried to think about a friend who means a lot to you and then found that you and that friend share this love that you would wish you could have forever? Have you ever found yourself wondering what it would be like if the people that you love left you one day? Have you ever seen the eyes of a friend sparkle as they see you, and just know, without anything being spoken that this friend loves you? Have you ever managed to love as much as you have been loved? Have you ever considered yourself to be lucky that someone loves you so much? Have you ever thought that you are substituting the love of a lover with the love of a friend? Have you ever tried to convince yourself that you don't need a lover because the love of a friend is much more important and much more gratifying? Have you ever tried to look at the truth of your feelings towards anyone? Have you ever felt afraid at seeing the dark in a room that is full of light? Have you ever looked at someone and just knew that this someone is a true friend and you need them? Have you ever been where I have been? Have you ever seen the bottom of a lake engulfing you in its own peaceful environment? Have you ever seen the depths of the woods becoming your home? Have you ever wondered how far away you are from the truth of yourself? Have you ever done anything that would please others and that made you feel like shit? Have you ever done anything that made you feel great and hurt others? Have you ever known how much courage it took to love and be loved by anyone in your life? Have you ever acknowledged that those who love you have made compromises to be with you? Have you ever known what compromises you've made to be with someone? Have you ever felt that the tears would choke you and still stubbornly held them back? Have you ever seen anyone too drunk to walk and helped them stand? Have you ever looked in someone's face and just knew that they felt towards someone what you feel towards them? Have you ever looked in the eyes of someone...Really looked into the eyes of someone and read in there everything that they could not voice? Have you ever felt guilty because you have been loved? Have you ever stayed up all night talking to someone who needs you? Have you ever drawn strength from someone who drew strength from you? Have you ever known who you really are?
Too many questions, eh? That's all I can voice tonight.... Questions that have no particular answer, that cannot be answered without thought, without knowing my story and my secrets and my dreams&
I have been loved by my friends, I have been forgiven for mistakes and wrongs that I have made; I have been hugged and my hand has been held in a way that was unique.... I have looked into the eyes of my friends, I have seen in their eyes what their mouth would not voice.... I have loved them and still love them all.... I have been jealous of those who were more fortunate than me.... I have been an awful friend in some respects, I have been an awful daughter in others...and I have been loved.... I do not exactly deserve it, but I have received the love of my friends in abundance, and I have received the love of my parents in abundance.... I have been here, there...I have not seen myself though. Can you believe that I have not seen myself? Well, I haven't! In all this time, I have not seen myself in any of these things.... I have taken plenty and given back very little, what I have given is next to nothing when comparing it with what I took.... I am lucky and unlucky at the same time.... I will be loved and hated at the same time.... I know nothing any more...nothing at all!
All I know is that I cannot think of a reason why I should cry tonight that I had all my friends with me, that I had everything I could possibly ask for and that I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday. Perhaps it was the hug that I received from the loving friend...perhaps it is a belated response to the fact that I finally saw my friend. I don't know, but having my friend hug me and show me love...I don't think that I have ever felt so loved in my life as I felt at that single moment, in that single hug, of that one person and I have not been worthy of this love...it's too pure for me to receive, too strong to deal with and too frightening altogether. I know nothing, I seek nothing, I just wish that I'll always be so much loved....
It's late at night that I'm writing this and I have had a few glasses of wine more than I could handle but I am lucid.... I am not sober, but I am lucid.... I know what I am talking about. I know what I am feeling and what I am feeling is immense gratitude for those who love me.... I love them too, but this is different...I love them and I know that they deserve my love; they love me and they think they know that I deserve their love. My friend would say that I am only making myself miserable because I deserve the love I get, but I have not been a good person nor a good friend and that is too much to bear. I am only paying for my mistakes and that's only fair that it should happen, I only wish that I won't have to pay too dearly.
Since I started with a question, let me finish with a question. If I were to die and my secrets died with me, would anyone ever really claim that they knew me? I said that I would finish, but how can I? Just think about what I just said.... Who knows anyone? Hell, we don't even know ourselves. Yet we love, and we are loved, often not for who we are, but for who we are perceived to be. If that is the case, though, then we are all blind and we are all too caught up in our own little selves to look at the ones that we love& and in the end, we don't love the people, but our idea of the people. No, this is too much! I know that I love my friends because they are good persons, I know that they love me because I have given them something.... I guess I need no reason to love them....
To hell with my theories.... I am too sick and too drunk to sit here and just ramble on about this. I'll be better in the morning, right? I have to look at the bright side, at least, I came to write something after a long while and that's important. Finally I managed to feel something other than fear, and that proved to be my catharsis from the mental sterility that I was experiencing in the past few months. If nothing else, I felt loved...reasons and faults and luck and people do not matter. I have been loved and I'll cherish that love until the day that I die.
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