Episodes of my Life




Swetha Arun


 
© Copyright 2018 by Swetha Arun



Photo of wild flowers.
These are different episodes of my life. It copulates around since when I was in 7th grade to the events that occurred a month back. Sometimes I have skipped a couple of months or years to deflate the passage of time and give myself a sense of the occasions. I have marked the time with the date at the top of each entry. And I chose to write this work in the format of a diary entry since I guess it is the perfect medium to transmute my feelings as it is and reflect it exactly onto words. And since I wanted the names to be anonymous, I have replaced them with counteracts.

Forever is a lie.

March 12th 2012
Thursday
7:30 pm

Never did I believe I could leave this place, my first educational institution for the first six years of my life. The place where I was introduced to the alphabets that constitutes the diary I’m writing now, the place where I met people other than my family who care for me, called friends, the place where I learned some of the most important values of life like ‘united we stand, divided we fall’ or ‘honesty is the best policy’, the place where I simply spent eight hours of everyday for six years which I don’t regret. The ‘goodbyes’ didn’t pain as much as I expected, in fact, even as I sit here and write, I’m quite content with the decision I made of leaving my school. I smiled as the scenes of the day replayed in my mind. Those warm smiles that tugged on to my skin, the precious gifts I was treated with, the cake that was smashed onto my face, most of it wasted rather than being eaten, the cards filled with abundance of love and best wishes and the endless number of hugs that made my heart swell with gratitude. And the most ironic thing of all; I was never the nice person who rejoiced the fact of making a lot of friends or even making frequent conversations with the ones I have. People never appealed to me, it’s usually their stories or the absurd thoughts and ideas that they have to share that catches my attention. When they have nothing to offer, I leave. I was never the one to cope with the “norm”. Inspite of me being not the great person I am, I was quite bewildered to see the amount of care my friends had for me. “I love you” “Take care” “Keep in touch” “Write to me” I’ll never forget you”, thats pretty much were the last things I heard from them that day, would that be the last time I heard from them at all? I’ll never know. Being a strong believer of one of those beautiful lessons life teaches first-hand, I moved on. The lesson? Well, people are meant to come and go, if they all stay, what’s the point of the ‘magic of meeting new people’ at all.”


May 8th 2012
Monday
2:45pm

I walked down the tarred slope to the brightly painted building which was going to be the altar of my education for the next I don’t know how many years. My bag weighed down my shoulders making me wonder why in the world were a 7th grader’s text books this heavy. I stopped for a whole minute as I came across the gold, bold letters reading the name of my school etched onto the black, polished background above the blue painted elevated platform. This is it. Here I am about to embark a new phase, little did I know that he had the most exquisite plan in store for me. Remembering what my mother had told me that morning ‘to believe in the magic of new beginnings’, I set foot at the interlocked tiled ground to the wide expanse of a smaller version of a basketball court. To the sides were the five flag poles, the middle one, mounting a little higher than the other four, life like trees and bushes rose on both the sides, their branches swaying in the wind carelessly. “Hello, I’m Jesse, Jesse Robin, the school leader. What’s your name?”, asked the six foot, strongly built guy. “Samantha Roberts”, I said rather a little too stiffly. “Nice to meet you Samantha. Would you like me to show you to your class?” “No, thank you. I’ll be fine on my own”, dismissing the offered help and successfully taking the first person I made a conversation with in this place by surprise, I strode to the notice board to find out which part of the 542 people I belong to. Climbing two sets of fairly lengthy staircase, I came to a rather big room, devoid of any furnitures a classroom should be having, except for a white board that covered one of the walls which read “A hearty welcome to 7th grade”. I placed my new bag next to the row of other bags whose owners clearly didn’t care to stick around to meet the rest of the class. I came out and saw a girl standing opposite, leaning on the wall, the over coat which all girls are supposed to wear was missing from her outfit. Her eyes, like those of the fishes, watched me come out of the class. “Where’s your over coat?”, I asked her, not being able to contain my curious mind. “Not stitched yet” was her well-reversed reply. Even before I could see them, I heard them. “Lara, oh my god. you cut your hair” “Becca, how was Australia?” “Jesus, you lost a lot of weight girl” “I missed you so much”. So many questions and remarks overlapped each other, I couldn’t keep up with them. Their excitement charged the atmosphere, making me feel less uncomfortable in the alien surroundings. The gathering broke off when they spotted me and the other girl, evidently wanting to make new friends, the new girl said Hi. The usual ritual of exchanging names and scripted questions of how one felt and where they are from took place. Never once did I mention I was the person they thought me to be.”

April 15th 2017
Saturday
12:14 am

It’s honestly kind of deviant how the heart and the brain work. So dissimilar but has such a toll on our day to day decisions, choices and ideas on everything. If my brain were to make decisions without the consent of what my heart had wanted, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. And I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. On the other hand, if my heart were to make all my decisions without the consent of my brain, I’d probably be dead by now. The heart is always the foolish one. But you see, our heart is what makes us all human. I would rather feel my heart wanting to burst out of my chest than make speculations on how it would turn out in the future. Foolish decisions are what makes us who we are.
I always knew the two of us wouldn’t work out. The war that carried out inside of me, between my heart and my brain was vehement. Your touch had never failed to convince my heart that you were worth the abominable days that were to come when you leave. But your absence when I closed my eyes was enough to convince my brain that defeating my heart was a cause that couldn’t be obstructed for a feeling so permanent. When I look back at the day, when I for the first time knew I fell for you, I was so perplexed that I couldn’t speak a word for the next few hours or so. But appreciating the noiselessness in my mind, I let the new feeling wash over me completely. Little did I know what was yet to come. All the chats and the revelations we had were memories far better than the ones I had made myself. I wish we could go for adventures.”

November 17th 2012
Wednesday
8:22 pm

Five months. Feels like I’ve been a part of this school forever. It came to me as the most astonishing thing when my name was announced as the Maths Ambassador of the year. My family burst out laughing when they heard this, don’t blame them, me and maths never got along, until I met Miss Maisie. She kinda gave me this whole new image about learning Maths, so thanks to her, I had a new responsibility now. Tracy, the first friend I made there, was from Dubai, unlike me, she fully supported the idea of making conversation and being part of a group, mostly just tagging along to satisfy the social needs I suppose. But then I thought, isn’t everyone like that? Sticking along with people just to be a “part” of some group. Wanting to be accepted by people even if it means changing yourself to pertain to the like of others. Not listening to yourself, rather just doing what the crowd does cause you think that’s how people are classified. I was never one of them, nor will I ever be. Well, inspite of our difference she was still my closest friend there. Of course, being the immature seventh graders we are, we had gangs and pranks and detentions and what more, I even almost got expelled from school once. I was sent to the principal more than twice in these six months. Told you, was never the kind of person you think I am. I guess eventually people in my class started sticking up to me, I never found out the reason why, never tried either. The boys who were once the closest to the girl who despised me are now closer to me. I even tried talking to her about it, why have fights, if the England could stop the great Germans from firing them to ashes, so can we stop a little immature fight in seventh grade. Yeah, don’t be surprised, my thoughts, they run deep. Giles, Jack, Tracy, Jules and myself, we were The Gang those days. Water fights, hiding other people’s stuff, playing with juniors badges, eating chocolates during classes, bunking the boring lectures, passing notes, name it, we have done it all. No, I wasn’t the gang leader or anything, we were just there for each other, having our backs. The unbelievable part of my 7th year was me being bestowed the duty of the class prefect along with Robin. He was the kind of guy who would take things seriously and sit in the front rows for classes and not involve himself in anything unnecessary. Unfortunately, his co-prefect, was the exact opposite. Things took a turn when I excused people for not adhering to class discipline, after all human beings make mistakes and we are meant to forgive and forget. Although Robin didn’t approve much of it, he kept quiet. And guess what, by the end of the term, even he turned out to be the cool guy who socialises not just with text books. I don’t know how many of you out there loathe getting up as early as six in the morning, dragging yourself to brush and change to uniform and go to school, I wasn’t one of you. I loved going to my school, in fact, I used to even question why schools weren’t functioning during public holidays. Yeah, that I was. I prolly loved my school for the people in it. I mean, isn’t it always like that. When someone says they like chocolate, they mean they like the taste of it and when someone says they like a particular dress, they mean they like how the dress looks on them. As the days passed on, we became thicker and thicker, and nothing could break us apart. It was then during those fine school days, when I fell in love for the first time. Or was it love?

April 4th 2016
Tuesday
2:03 am

The picture is still so vivid in my mind. The tall guy with specs, hair slicked down, walking towards me. His teal tee was one to admire. His silence, something that caught me instantaneously. He was the guy every other girl talked about. I looked up at him, trying to figure out what exactly made others spellbind. Maybe his flawless dress sense. Or the off-the-hook-half-smirk, or maybe the way he combs his hair with his hands every other minute. Or perhaps, just his silence.
And to this date, I still haven’t figured what about him beguiles me. Maybe it’s just him. Him as a whole. It’s been a year or so, and I haven’t confronted him about this, I don’t think I ever will. He’s whole, he’s beautiful, he’s perfect. And someone as broken as me is definite to scar his pristine soul. All the moments we’ve had, are seared in my mind, never to be forgotten. Even if they are the smallest of moments, they gratify my day. I don’t have to prove it to anyone, or solve the never-ending battle between my heart and my brain, they are my feelings to tell. He is one of those kind of people who listen to you endlessly. Though we don’t talk much, our occasional conversations were more than ordinary for me.
I thought you would be one of the others. I knew you were the calm ocean, and me the wild fire, who’d just consume everything good you have if you came too close. I know your eyes make the brightest star seem dull, sometimes, at moments, I loose my way in your gaze and never find my way back, and worse, I might not want to. Your look is hypnotising and it happens to crumble the walls I’ve built around my broken heart. I know how things will end if I begin a time delusion with you. But I didn’t care about it anyway. I still am, here, bewitched by you.

March 8th 2012

Thursday
12:32 am

Perhaps you must be wondering why on earth have I not yet slept. Well, I’m wondering the same too. As far as I can remember, it started out as a joke yesterday afternoon after school. Like every other day, Jack, Robert and I were playing Car Town, the online game which we’ve been playing like for six months now. This is how almost every after school hour goes. Come back from school. Lunch which is fed by mom, while I read a novel or text, which my Grand mom doesn’t at all approve of. Rushing up, firing the laptop and playing the visual-online-not-so-helpful game with them. Just so on a seemingly normal day, I sat there debating whether or not to buy a new car or upgrade the old one, a messenger notification pops. Assuming it to be someone who I less bother to reply, I continued playing. There it was, again, the blue pop-up flashing across the left panel of my laptop. I clicked it, not knowing it would change my life upside down. “I love you, would you be my girlfriend?”, read the message. I must say, as my eyes eagerly read the sender, a smile did decorate my lips. But was I ready for it? Do I know enough about love? Will this come to end? When I gave him the reply, I chose not to answer those questions, in fact, I didn’t even think of answering those questions. Cause then, all that I cared for was being with him, being with Jack. I still remember every word he had said, more likely, typed, when I said ‘YES’, his exact words were “YES YES, OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU” followed by about a 100 read hearts. Sweet isn’t? Oh boy, was I smitten in his boyish charms that had broken so many hearts before. So that’s how my first relationship happened. Yes, through a social media network, while playing some random online game. Heard what people say that ‘you are a lucky one if your best friend becomes your boyfriend’? That’s sorta the thing that happened there. But was I lucky?

Being the popular guy he is, it didn’t take much time for a news like this to reach the ears of my class. Being the unrivalled, 36 people we are, all got to know. Some surprised, some smiled and congratulated, some teased others just simply didn’t bother. On top of this, we also had the reputation of being the youngest couple ever to be in our school. Amazing isn’t? How 13 year olds could fall in love for the first time and believe it’s gonna last forever. Like every other couple in love, we had our very own moments too. My everyday used to start and end with him, the first thought on my mind when I woke up and the last thing I remembered before going to bed would be him. Sometimes, I used to wonder how two 13 year olds can belittle every other form of love that ever existed, so real was our love. Or was it just me who was thinking so.”

September 17th 2012
Tuesday
2:45 am

All of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the entire world had drained me for everything that I had. It was one of those nights when I’m alone, lying on my bed, looking at my phone as if it’s meant to bring me peace from all the demons tugging at me. I ask myself, who in the hell will love me? But he did, and I have no idea why. I ask myself the same question almost everyday, only to be left unanswered. But as time goes by, will the fire between us die? Will the laughter become a little softer and the love just fade away? True, our occasional conversations and everyday texting makes me happy, but what if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he wants more? What if I am not enough? And all our times flash across me in the blink of an eye. The time when we held hands in the rain as the dark clouds blanketed the evening sky. The unexpected phone calls and the late night texts. Him catching me staring at him. Unexpected “I love you”. Yes, my fragile heart was convinced over these little things, convinced that he was the one. People say we are too young to know about forever. Maybe they are true, but deep down, I didn’t want them to be”.


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