I Am Deserved
© Copyright 2018 by Pavi Pavitha
An autobiography of a survived heart.
In common, autobiographies are written by people, who touched success because generally human expresses their selves when they won, their stories are mostly welcomed by people. But now for a change this is not an autobiography from a succeeded person but from a person who survived from her own battles.
Sometimes survival is more powerful than success. This is what the whole story is about...
In every stories the hero`s birth will be described as `born with silver spoon, but in this story the heroine (me) was born with confusions. Due to the war situation in my country, I was born in a hospital for mentally disabled, that`s why, to some extent in my life I never realised the own strength of my mind. At the time I was born, the doctors were at a fear that, whether I will live or die... Because I was a low weight baby. That was the first battle for me with fear and finally, I won and survived from death. From that failured fear had started to follow me. As I grow up I feed those fears at the corner of my mind and I was never cared about to showcase others about it. I hid it in dark part of me that’s why in one point, my life became dark. There is a psychological theory that human uses anger to hide their selves. Yes, I created an attitude with anger in order to hide my fear.
I was feared about people
I was feared about success
I was feared about future
I was feared about poverty
But the worst thing was, I was feared about me...
Because of my self-fear, I was influenced by the words that the society said to dominate my family. some causesed positive effects and some were wise versa.
Firstly I want to say the positive,
One day I was going with my dad to his office. He was the security guard in that office and at the time we went there, the place was filled with people. I was very little and holding my dad`s hand. One man from them asked me ‘what is your ambition? ‘
I said, ‘doctor’
He asked again ‘is your dad educated? Then how an uneducated jean become as educated? Change your goal’
I was afraid. I put my head up and saw my dad. He was broken. I felt it through his face but he silently leave that place with dragging me out there.
is the very first time I got an ambition to show them it is not in
the jean but it is inside of the brain. I was aimed to study and from
that incident I was positively influenced to study heard no matter
what happens. This is why after the all struggles I never lose my
The society that I spent my childhood was so weird, it was a rural area, and there was high recognitions for fathers who was having male children. There was a deep belief that feeding a girl baby is waste to the society. In my family I was only one girl so that my father was dominated by others. But my dad never show any type of deviations while caring me. He was very confident that his girl child is also capable for achievements and she deserves all kind of appreciations that the society gives to boys. The whole society thoughts it wrong but my dad believed that I was deserved. He was uneducated and my mother also an uneducated women. Because of poverty and ignorance the society rejected them in all places. But my dad and mom were never caring about the society they were very confident that one day these all will change...
But I was influence by their words. I started to connect all the problems that were faced my family with this, and at every time I was hearing about the society`s criticism about a male siblings I look up and asked god, why I am not deserved with a brother?
There was no answer.
Time was passed.
At the age of 11 I joined in a high school and that school was a high class school where the students who were studying there were mostly from high class income families. But I was poor and feared. It was very hard for me clanged with that surrounding. At my school I was one of the brighter student but inside I was dark. Because I was guilt about my parents and my family situations. I was in poverty in income and esteem. I was feared to show my parents to my friends. Because I believed I was not deserved for that environment.
There was times too that I was feared to call my dad to the school meetings.
After the end of school studies I felt that I got escaped from all these fears. The truth is that I was already failed but I never knew.
Because of not having male siblings I was influenced by boys. Especially I was eagerly expecting a brother. I spent more of my time with my brother in law and I thought him as my real brother.
One day he misbehaved with me and luckily I got escaped from him. But I thought it was my fault. I was self-feared so I thought I was not deserved with a brother that`s why it all happened. That was the first deep depression in my mind. I got good marks in exams but inside I was depressed. I studied not to cure my mind but for train my brain to achieve my ambition I said before.
It will be very hurting to women to feel that they are only a flesh wrapped by attractive skin. There is a concept that women are equal to men but in my point of view women are more pained than men. In buses, trains, offices, schools in any places there will be one eye that see them as a reflection of sex. Every women might feel at least once in their lifetime that their life would be better if they were born as men. I felt it so many times in my life. I cried and asked god that why he created me as a girl. Every girl would be affected by this but not everyone will be influence. But I was influenced by these because of my birth attitude.
I hid everything and act as normal. But it was hurting.
One day, I asked my mom
‘Amma, why didn`t deserved for a brother?
My mom smiles at me and said,
‘Honey, there will be a plan for everything. One day you will find someone who holds your hand and say I will be your all that you need. Because you deserved it.’
It was flashing on my mind. From that moment I got an answer that
I can’t got a brother anymore, but I can got a man who can be my everything. I started to search...
Life holds a moment for everyone which is called as turning point. In my life there was a time that turning point got started…
I got selected to the university and it was very delightful that I was the only girl who entered to the university from my whole area. It was the biggest slap for all the people who were dominating my father at once because of feeding me.
I was satisfied that I slapped everyone who dominates my dad, but life planned to slap me for all the thoughts which are dominating me.. but the weapon was different…
I was met with a boy. A boy with a question, and it was ‘Will you be my better half??’.
he was one of my friend whom I shared everything in my university.
I looked up and asked god, ‘ what you want me to do now ?’
As usual there was no answer.
I rejected him at first because of the instinct that I gain from my negative thought about men and because of my fear that I was not deserved for a man.
There was a severe battle going on between us. He was compelling me but in my mind I was also searching for a shoulder to cry. But there was a barrier of fear. I strongly believed I was not deserved for him.
But life`s plan was different.
One day at climax,
We were talking in a corner of the road and at one point he started to cry and hold my hands said
me, I won`t let you go.. You are my better half and this is not an
attraction as you said I am deeply in love with you. Say me yes, I
will show you what the life is....’
I was frustrated by his tears and words were overloaded in my mind. I was silent and compromised my mind that may be he would be the answer for all my questions... I started this battle by saying yes to him, and no to my mind.
He was very happy because he won.
But me, I was relaxed... There is a different between happiness and relaxation, I relaxed.
sometimes in our life we satisfy others to hold them because of the fear of loosing relationships. so I started to satisfy him. I acknowledged all his wishes about his life partner and I started to become his perfect. It was hard for me to change but I did because to hold him.
It was very sweet to feel that there was someone for me. Slowly I my feelings won my fear I started to be addicted to that feeling.
On those days. I wrote it in my diary as a poem which I still remember
It is a bomb
Wrapped with sweetness
I am enjoying the sweetness
The deep the sweetness goes…
The hard the blast will...
Actually we thought ourselves as brilliant but the truth is life is more than us. It knocks me down with what I asked. I got what I want but I was not happy because of fearing my worth.
And the love bird was flying..
We were talking…
We were dreaming…
We were believing that we were meant…
But I alone was satisfying...
But it also was a sweet thing because as I said the bomb was not opened.
Time was passing... After 5 months love started its blast slowly…
He started to avoid me and one day he came to me and said,
‘Let’s breakup, it won`t work... ‘
I shocked and strucked with words. Just asked ‘why?’
He said ‘You are not enough for my expectations. And you don`t deserve me...
I put my head down and all the things I did for him came out as tears on me. But he did not look my face.He was not want to do so.. After some moment
He said ‘make your parents wish, take care’
I was looking at him
Inside of me my mind was praying ‘don`t go..; But it wasn`t heard he left... But I was broken and I just looked at one extent and thinking what kind of life is this…??
God ‘what was my fault…..?? ‘
There was no reply as usual
Tears came out…
But memories were stayed inside...
Then I realized it was too late I have to return home.
I started my motorbike and it was a rainy night. Rain outside and rain in inside of me also. I was driving but my mind was out...
That day I met with an accident, due to that accident my legs were injured. Not a big injury but after that day I can`t sit on the floor, I can`t sit on the chair for more than half an hour. Because I can’t fold my legs.
I was laughing that what kind of life I was supposed to live?, I was searching for a spouse but can`t sit for my wedding. I said to myself ‘yes I am not deserved for him ‘. With tears
I never revealed these things to my friends or family because of the belief of true pain cannot be understood by others. moreover in our society we people are too busy in concerning and blaming about others faults. I didn`t want anyone to blame him or me. because together or separated love has no ending. atleast I want to keep my love within myself true.
Those blasting breakup was very painful.I was very silent in day times and cried silently in nights.I avoid to talk with my parents. And almost I did all the solutions to get him back.There was no reply
it was very painful to wake up without his message, yes it was very short time relationship but it was my 22 years dream to be deserved for a man. And I failed on that.
Then some months after, I got to know that the reason he was rejecting my love was, his new interest on someone else. There is a proverb in English ` The grass always looks greener on the other side. ` Yes he destroyed this grass and found another better. The very first time I got this news I looked up and asked the god,
‘I don`t know who he was, but you know everything if he was not meant to be with me then why did you allowed him in my life?? ‘
There was no answer again.
Finally I got a decision to commit suicide. Because it was too painful to live a life with a rejection by being true. And it was very horrible to see him with his new partner at the same university. it was like pushing my heart with a knife, Which was already bleeding.
I decided to die at once rather than dying slowly every day.
I went to the shop and buy the poison and returned home, collected all his memories in my room and all the poems I wrote for him and burnt them. Then I closed my room door and opened the bottle.
I was ready to die. But something was holding me.. You know what?? My fear.
I was feared to die.
I tried again and again. But I was not supposed to die. It became doubled pain to live with an expectation to die.
I asked myself
‘Even am I not supposed to die?’
This time I got a reply from one person whom I left because of love. It was my friend with whom I was very close but after the love, my lover forced me to avoid talking with him. I forgot him actually. But he was called me for a contact number.
I gave him the number and he asked ` how are you?’
I said ` Not died. ‘
He asked `why, what happened?’
I said all what was happened. I felt the relaxation because it was loaded in my mind for three years, and after I revealed it to someone it became relaxing. I realized why our elders instruct us to share our sadness to someone else to reduce the load.
He listened everything and asked ‘what next?’
I slowly said I want to die. I am not deserved with this life
He asked, are you deserved with death?
Ok, you can die after 6 months from now. I assured. But you have to promise me that throughout these 6 months you have to live for yourself. We can make a deal. You live 6 months and then I will help you to die.
I said, I try.
‘Not try. You have to do. ‘He said.
I believed on his words because I was in dark and I want someone to help me so I started to do
I rearrange my room, collected all memories of love and burnt them. Take a paper and drawn 180 circles and promised to cross the circles day by day. I marked the last day as ‘finally I got my answer of death’
I was waiting for my death by living for me. It was pained actually but I said to myself that after the 180th day, it wouldn’t pain me. These all will leave me. So till that day I have to wait by accepting this pain. Slowly I accepted everything
Planned to live for me
I dressed for me
I expected for me
I wrote word for me
But this time not as sad poems but I wrote my lessons from life. I published them in social medias , people used to read them and sent me a reply with a question.
That question is
‘How old are you?’
This is a very normal question that we all heard in our nurseries. But it was differently meant for me. I asked it again and again
‘How old I am??’
This time also no reply but I got the answer that I want. Yes I was empty of age, because I only spent all my days to others but not for me, the now can I measure those days as my years? I started to count my age from this moment. After that every circle that was crossed established my age. I felt life slowly.
that times also I faced failures but those were not influencing me. I
just said, failure… ok let it go... Because after that 180th
day there would be no failure.
It was felt as I had powered with a superpower. Everything started to change and it became interesting. I wrote continuously, and accept my loneliness to improve me.
Day by day I became fearless, my friend instructed me to not talk with him before these deal end. I want to tell him everything and waited for the end, wanted to know how it all happened.
On the 180th day
At the time I crossed the last circle, I read the line that I wrote on it, ‘final I got my answer to death ‘. I read it and called my friend
He answered, hello new girl, now how are you?
I smiled and said, ‘little fine in life, I felt like powered, but how?’
He said ‘yes, powered. That power is fear. You were destroyed because of fear of perfection. But now you survived by Fear of death. I poured this fear on your mind with a belief that you will die today. So you become fearless of others. This big fear destroyed all your other fears. You rushed in to your life with only one goal that to live for yourself before your death. That’s why you started to listen the answers from your heart which caused all these changes.
Remember, there is no lost bigger than death. Your final limit is your death. It is usual to die but why we all are feared about death? Just think.. Like this way..
All were born
All were died
But not all were lived...
That is why humans are afraid for death.
Then he asked all my experiences I said about the responses for my writings from people.
He listened and asked
‘Now answer me
How old are you?’
I smiled and said, ‘I am just 6 months’
‘Hmm, Only 6 months child, so you think you are deserved for death now?’
No but deserved for life... I replied.
I replied to life this time. I changed that line, finally I got an answer to my life.
Life always plans better than us.
There will be so many persons in our lives who put us down. But by seeing them as our darkness we become failed in realizing the light near us. there will be some people in our lives who hold our hands and say we are worthy, in my life I got my parents to see my worth at my childhood and there was my best friend who saw my worth even I was broken.
The storm is not over now but I learnt to surf.. And I am not the same person who was at the starting… I think this is what those all problems were about...
I am not succeeded in life till, but survived from a great disaster. I started to circle the days in calendar and counting my age.
I never forget that love but I forgive him because to forgive myself,
Yes sometimes we have to forgive others in order to heal ourselves.
From that day, at every time, when I see him with his new partner
I smile and say to my self
I am deserved with someone better.
believe that life always plan more than my wish... it takes time but
it will be happened at the correct time…. because as my dad`s
dream, I am deserved…
I am Pavitha Ranjinithas and I am from SriLanka. I am studying third year Management course at University of Jaffna, Srilanka. I am 23 years old. I have a great passion in writing. I came to know about the contest through website and it is great pleasure to write for the very first time in an international contest.