The Bastard Devil
Made Me Do It
2014 by Jerry Vilhotti
"So you say you are going to make GOPish humonks who can drink tea from their large guns G?"
"No freaking human beings of all stripes!
"In our image!"
"Why do you say, 'our'?"
"I'm a modest God! Screw Zeus!"
"So you say they're going to be almost-perfect like you?"
"Yes, no blemishes. No hate - only love and compassion - the mother of love!"
"So you'll always be forgiving?"
"That's my nature - damn it! I'm not that First Testament God who was always foaming at
the mouth - trying to make all others fearful - like terrorist politicans do today!"
"Hey, G, if we didn't do old-time religion, would you even exist like you did in Salem?"
"Duh, I don't think so. I think, thus I am. I put that thought in Descartes' head."
"What about if we took a pill doing all our nutrional needs - would we still-"
"That's an interesting idea."
The devil laughed, knowing the temper God was hiding. "So, no bodily functions?"
"That's what I said! Christ you're dumb!"
"Would it not be better to test them?"
"What the hell are you talking about now?"
"I got an idea, G."
"I know! I know no fly can land on your nose, but don't you think you should test these beings
you are going to create to see if they muster up - so most of them don't become insane?"
"Like, what are you saying?"
"Only this: see if they can handle self-hate without killing themselves and others whom they
will hate more?"
"You mean test them?"
"Yeah. See if they're going to shape up. After all, your reputation is at stake."
"And who says you're not?"
"So what's your test?"
"Like you can make them do bodily functions. I know you can prevent this by doing your
digestive thing, but would it not be interesting to see if they can handle all the explosions, odors
and trials and tribulations? Comedians trying to make a buck will perpetuate the low self
esteem - making for great laughs and even more bucks!"
"Easy! If I make them - that's easy stuff!"
And so the great experiment began, but before long, after all the games being played in caves
with noise contests - wars began.
When God saw all this with the Aqua people - He lost it and sent a great volcanic eruption
to kill all the bastards and he would start again with another bunch but God couldn't figure
out how to eliminate the devil's idea and so mankind would have to live with it all! To that
day everybody dies.
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