I remember ...
Feels like I'm dying, the pain's so intense. Something's broken inside, a hole torn in my soul. Not merciful death approaching, standing betwixt life and oblivion. Only the pain of dying without the sweet release.
I feel myself sliding towards Oblivion, tenebrous, gargantuan creature, eternally consuming maw ready to swallow all that approach it; I welcome the cessation of agony that annihilation brings. I'm already dead, I just can't admit it; the cosmos does not realize my termination, therefore chained to this wheel of pain.
My happiness destroyed, never again attainable. All I have to look forward to in life is anguish. I just wish it would all end, that it would all be over.
Nothing to live for; without love there is no life. Can't feel anger, only terrible sadness, crushing regret. I feel my love pouring out; wasted useless, received by no one but the cold dead earth.
I burn with love and pain, a whirling vortex of pure suffering, filling me, consuming me. So deep, it's hard to see where love finishes and pain begins.
I want to lash out at someone, easier to deal with pain if you have someone to channel hatred towards, someone to blame for your suffering, but the only person to blame is myself. When you inflict your own pain, you can only hate yourself.
I'm so cold, so very cold. I can't understand that, it doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense any more. I am lost, there truly is no hope.
At the total nadir of my existence, I possessed only a broken heart, a nexus of pure pain.
Contemplating steps to remove myself from this misery.
Please kill me.
I ask this of the universe that has given me such pain.
Please end it, end me.
And then he came, my friend.
He saw the terrible mockery of life that was me and he offered to take away the source of my torture. Just because I was in pain didn't mean I was an idiot, I wasn't born yesterday. I asked him his price for my release.
He said he just wanted to help, he'd do it for free. I didn't believe him at first, but he promised me he'd take my pain and I would never see him again - no strings attached.
All I had to do was accept his offer and submit to the process.
What did I have to lose?
He spoke the truth, I no longer feel the slightest pain, and my broken heart is just a memory. Even the events that led to my anguish are foggy.
I feel so safe. No pain. That means I'm happy?
Happiness = no pain. No pain = happiness?
Therefore I must be happy.
I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. I don't feel hate, I don't feel anger, I don't feel love. Do I want to feel these things? I can't remember, is it good to feel these things? No pain, though. Just comfortably numb. My friend took away the source of all my pain.
I think I should feel something about that. I don't. Why not?
What did he take away from me?
Questions, so many questions. What does it matter, the pain is gone. Something else has gone forever, I don't know what it might have been. It can't have been that important if I can't remember. Something insignificant.
A small price to pay for relief.
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Cailean's Story List and Biography