Lost Voice


Angali Dangwal


 
© Copyright 2018 by Angali Dangwal



Photo of a thistle blossom.  (c) 1999 by Richard Loller.

I heard You, I know what you are going to say . Nothing , nothing happened it’s alright , you can handle it and you are strong . I hate that word it changes the sense of my pain , I too have feeling when they are crushed I bleed . do you know how it feels when you are treated like a kind a monster when you are just a human . being ignored , no one listen and your voice is lost and when someone push you just cry or sometimes end up faded and then completely gone. Everyone humiliate you in every possible way .

This is my story, I am the hero here because I survived and came back from the dark hole.

November, 2007

A crying child , pain , loneliness … all I remember is a dark room with no door and window , not even a crack.. nowhere for light to flood in. save me and I came back to my senses . get out I said , I heard a voice , oh I know she is my teacher , why , why are you scolding me . oh I remember now.

August ,2007

It’s raining outside.. Raindrops from sky. I am in my classroom. How quiet and calming and I am smiling. Maybe at that moment, I don’t know , monsters smiling at me saying , “ she don’t know what is going to happen to her ” . well here i start my story. . It was raining so hard that the glass of the window was like about to break. I was heading back towards my class while walk inside the room I saw in a table something was write.. It got all of my attention. It gave me all the hard work to read but I still I did. It was written for me and it says “ she give a kiss for 10 rupee ” I was in shock I thought who is responsible for that then I realize if anyone came to find about it what they go think me. First thing I thought was to erase it so that nobody could find out about it. I used my pen to scratch it, I thought if I will scratch it out, my pen point came off. I thought to use compass needle. I started scratching it with causing any scene. I was so lost in the thought that somebody will find out that, my compass needle also came off. I asked compass from a boy he told me he will help me and all of my tears came out rolling down my checks. I believed him I told him everything, he assorted me to help. It was I saw god in him, I was happy. He told me to take me to that table and then i took him. He saw that, at first he made a serious face and told me wait here I will bring something to remove it. So he went I started starching it. He never returned. I thought he maybe got engaged in some work. That why he never came back … I was successful to make it starching to that extent that it was not readable.

Next morning I came to school, half asleep. He came in front of me and told his friend what it was she can give for …. I was blank ……….i stayed their spacing for like forever everyone left, laughing at me. You know at that time nobody understands you. They laugh, because it is most easy thing to do. I was late for my class, I was punished for being late, none of my teachers asked me why this punctual student was late. While entering the class, I was prepared that everyone knows about it, and they are going make fun. It was not just that it was something worse. Coming for me, I was not frank with my family, so I never let them in this situation. For days It continued every time on my lunch I used to go to washroom to cry. There was a teacher who noted some strange behaviour with me and called me to staff room. He asked me what happened . Finding a friendly face among those monsters was a real magic for me. i told him everything and what is going on with me and how people are behaving. He heard everything and told me, you are being to so much and assured me that he is going to help. He took me to principle and explained her everything. I was really happy I thought it is going to end. I was wrong it was a start of a nightmare.

She sent me back to my class and followed me there. When we entered, everyone rose up. She glared at everyone and said “I want everyone to sit separately ” and everyone was confused, and I was more confused. , and she followed “I said boys and girls to sit separately, boys on one side and girls on other ” and glaring at me, “ and for you cannot be a part of this school, get out of this school, you bring shame to our school”. Do you ever feel breaking down? I know everyone has that time in their life, my time of breaking down was that day, that very moment. I immediately asked what wrong I did, and he said, take her out of my sight and asked me to bring my parents. Why I am a child so young, treat me like one.

I pleaded, ‘please don’t do this’ and I can take anything please ,it is not my fault (I never wanted to bother my parents , I know they were proud of me ,it could have made them sad ) .. so she smirk and said , alright , bring your chair and table , place it next to dustbin. Sit there that is your place, next to dustbin.. , I still remember she made special signboard for me which say ‘indiscipline’ for whole of the year you have to sit here .everyday trauma, teacher give you look, like you are a kind of rubbish.

One day after a year of this happened to me. My principle approached me saying , I was wrong , I am sorry . I know beforehand that person made a reckless in the principle office after drinking . And next he dropped the school . You know what I said to that principle . I will forgive you if you can give me my year back. My time when i felt my self-respect is gone. Give me my voice back and above that say a word that will make this all disappear.

I use to stare at the door, thinking maybe someone will come , maybe i will be saved. That was a mistake. Today i am working in a corporation and when i look back at that day i always say to myself why, why did i let it happen. i should have told to my parents and they could have given me a way out.


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